Things We Go Through
by Elayna Fournier
Summary: Sirius is raped repeatedly during the summer before his sixth year. During that time he realizes that the one person that he will love for his entire life is unattainable. Or is he? Slash, mpreg, rape, and suicide attempt, none too graphic, hence rating
1. Chapter 1

Warnings: Mpreg, slash, suicide attempt, child abuse, vulgar language, and possible sex. If you do not like any of the above then this is not the fic for you to be reading. Otherwise, please enjoy my story.

Chapter 1

James waited on the train at the beginning of the new year. He and his friends, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew were starting their sixth year and at that precise moment, James Potter was waiting anxiously for his friends to join him. James was an impatient person and hated being alone. Especially when he knew that his friends should have been there what seemed like hours ago.

_"Come on, arrive now," _James thought pleadingly. As if sent by telekinetic forces, Remus Lupin walked into the compartment, dragging his trunk behind him.

James smiled as he saw his friend. Remus had light brown hair and grey eyes. He was really a thin, sickly boy, but only because he was a werewolf really. James and the rest of his friends had figured it out during his second year. They had confronted Remus, who had first panicked, and had been quickly calmed down by Sirius. Now there was no doubt that his other roommates cared about his condition in the slightest bit.

In fact, during their third, fourth, and fifth years, James, Sirius, and Peter had studied impossibly hard and long and had become animagus. It had taken the entire three years to do it, and this would be the first year that they would actually be able to accompany Remus into the Shrieking Shack during his transformations. James would be a stag, Sirius a dog, and Peter a rat. Remus still wasn't sure it would work, or that they'd be safe, but it had clearly said in textbooks that only _humans_ could be harmed by werewolves. All in all, the werewolf's friends thought that it was worth the risk to help their unfortunate friend.

Remus, for his part, trusted his three friends with his life. They had stood by him when his secret had been revealed and they had done their best to help him during his transformations, to make it more bearable for him. He had finally found some people who accepted him no matter what. Some people who were not ashamed to be the friend of a dark creature. Some people who he could trust with anything.

"Hey, Remus," James greeted his friend with pure happiness.

"'Sup, James," Remus replied, putting his trunk on the rack and plopping down beside his friend. James raised his eyebrows at Remus's reply. _"'Sup?"_ James wondered in bemusement. _"Where did Mooney get that term?" _

In response to James's questioning look, Remus answered, "I went to America during the summer, remember? Apparently they use that term for greeting. It's a condensed version of what's up."

James nodded, and started staring out of the compartment door again. Sirius had to arrive soon or he would miss the train. And Sirius would not stand for missing his chance of escape from his parents.

Just then, again as if from telekinetic forces, Sirius Black walked into the compartment. He flashed a grin around at his friends and then sat down, not even bothering to put his trunk up.

"How you guys doing?" he asked, using his trunk as a footrest. He looked paler and thinner than usual to James, but just as cheerful and carefree.

At a glance anyways. At closer observation, Sirius appeared to have a fading bruise on the right side of his face and his usually bright grey eyes were dull and lifeless, yet seemed wary for any sudden moves. His manner did not appear to be the confident, swaggering demeanor that he usually had and he seemed to want to curl up in a ball in the corner. His usually neatly combed hair appeared to be matted and all out of place.

Immediately concerned for his friend, James asked, "What happened? Are you alright? What did your parents do to you? Why didn't you come to our house for assistance?"

Perplexed by the onslaught of questions, Sirius opened his mouth and closed it continuously, unsure of what to say. However, at that moment the door to the compartment opened and Peter Pettigrew stepped inside, saving Sirius from answering James's questions.

"What's up, guys," he said cheerfully, stepping over Sirius's trunk and placing his on the rack with James's and Remus's.

James and Remus nodded at him and Sirius gave him a slight smile. "So how was your summer in America, Remus?" Sirius asked.

"It was interesting. Americans have interesting lives as far as I can tell. Their lives appear to revolve around eating, watching a muggle contraption called a television, and sleeping."

"Wow," Peter muttered, "They must be really fat."

This statement took all of the boys by complete surprise and they all burst in to laughter. "Actually," Remus said, once his laughter had subsided, "most of the females were so skinny I thought that some of them might have been anorexic. A lot of the older people were fat though."

This made them all laugh again and they spent the rest of the train ride talking about the differences of Americans and themselves.

Throughout the ride, no one noticed the increasing silence from Sirius. No one noticed how much he seemed to be hurting. No one noticed that he seemed to be fighting some type of internal battle that could not be one. No one noticed the tears that filled his eyes as they approached Hogwarts.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The train arrived at Hogwarts later than it usually would due to random weather conditions. The intense rain and wind made it impossible to travel safely. As such the train was brought to a halt and didn't move until authorized to.

When the train arrived, the boys got off of it and went to find a carriage that would take them to the castle. Sirius remained silent the entire time, while James and Remus continued to chat and laugh at each other, appearing to not notice his silence. Peter might have noticed had he been there, but he had run off to find his girlfriend the second they had stepped off the train.

"_How did Peter get a girlfriend before me?_ Sirius wondered, not meaning that in a bad way. Deep down he knew why though.

Sirius had been in love since the first year. At the first glance he had known who he would love until he died. In some kind of twisted way, that is. You see, Sirius was gay, and he had done the worst possible thing a gay person could do, in his mind anyways. He had fallen in love with his best friend, James Potter. The only person who had ever accepted him despite knowing his family and how evil they were. Although he had known that he had feelings for his friend that weren't normal at a very young age, Sirius had only recently began making sense of his thoughts and emotions recently.

It had started last year when James had admitted to being gay. That had surprised Sirius to no end, considering he had always thought that James was as straight as line. However, he was happily surprised and the first thing that had popped into his head upon hearing that was, _maybe I have a chance with him after all, _which had surprised Sirius himself. So, content with life, Sirius had gone home in blissful happiness.

That, however, along with his dream of being James's lover, was abruptly brought to an end when he actually got home. When he arrived he was greeted by an unpleasant surprise. Over the past year, the Black family had started to experience financial problems. As such, each member of the family had to work, and unfortunately for Sirius, his parents had already found him a good paying job.

Sirius's parents had made a deal with a rich wizarding family, the McCallisters, that Sirius would sleep with their gay son every night for a certain amount of money until his services were not worth it anymore. So every night Sirius Black was forced to play "whore" with the rich McCallister boy, Jacob McCallister. Every night he was raped, beat, and hurt repeatedly. And then during the day, his own family beat and hurt him as well. So by the time school started again, Sirius had bruises, cuts, and scars all over his body that he was forced to hide with a cover up spell.

Even then, as he sat next to James and Remus, he was forced to relieve the foul touches, repulsive actions, and the sickening words that were whispered in his ear. But what could he have done? If he had stopped he would have been killed for his insolence. Even when it got worse he had to go along with it, for after some time, Sirius was given a potion to take. No one had told him what it was. They had just handed it to him, or had forced it down his throat on some occasions. He had a slight idea what type of potion it was, but Sirius just didn't feel like dwelling on it.

All of those thoughts ran through Sirius's head as he sat in the carriage with his friends. James, who suddenly noticed his best friend's silence, touched him gently on the shoulder.

Sirius jumped as if he had been electrocuted and looked around wildly. James and Remus watched him in shock. Neither of them had expected him to react that way. "Are you alright, Siri?" James asked in a soft voice, trying to calm his tense and over reactive friend down.

"Sure I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" Sirius replied, visibly making himself calm down and be normal again. That only furthered James's belief that his friend was not doing okay.

James loved everything about his friend, from his head down to his toes, and more than a friend. Of course, Sirius did not know that, and according to James, he wasn't supposed to know that. However, the one thing he disliked about his friend, hated even, was the fact that he could not admit when he was wrong. He could not admit that he needed help in an unpleasant situation. And furthermore, when things did spiral horribly out of control, he degraded himself so intensely that James himself almost started believing the things he said.

"I don't know why you wouldn't be fine," James snapped, tired of having to be nice and patient with his stubborn friend. Remus raised his eyebrows at the tone of James's voice, trying to signal to him to try a different approach, but James just ignored him. He was tired of never getting the truth out of Sirius about his home life. "All I know is that you are not fine and I would like to know now. As your best friend, I would think I have every right to know what, or who, is hurting you. I would like to think that I have the right to comfort you when you're crying, upset, or just beaten by the world. Instead, though, you push me away and insist that everything's fine when it only so obviously is not! Now please tell me what is going on or...or I'll find some way to get it out of you!"

With each word that James said, Sirius visibly flinched back into his seat more and more. Each word stung and hurt him intensely, and for a moment, one brief moment, Sirius had considered telling James what had happened. However, the thought of James's look of revulsion at the thought of what that bastard, Jacob, had done to him if he knew quickly changed his mind.

"James," Sirius said in a composed voice, trying to will himself not to tell him and Remus everything at that very moment, "I honestly can't say anything about my summer without endangering myself."

This surprised James. What could have possibly happened that Sirius could not talk about? What could harm his best friend while they were at Hogwarts? Still puzzling over that mystery when the carriage arrived at the castle, they got out of it and entered the school, altogether very much subdued.

As usual, they went to go find their seats and the Gryffindor table to watch the first years get sorted. Usually this was a time of great joy for them, because they liked to guess who would go into which house just by looking at the person. Sadly enough, they were usually correct in their guesses. This year however, James was brooding on Sirius, Sirius was thinking of what to do about his love dilemma, and Remus was wondering about what to do with the two of them.

And then the sorting began. The hat sang its usual song with different lyrics and then the first years were called forward by their last names. The only time Sirius became even mildly interested was when one of his cousins was called up. She, like almost every other Black before her, became a Slytherin, much to Sirius's dismay. James noticed this and shook his head sadly.

Quickly enough, the sorting ceremony began and Dumbledore stood up to make his grand speech.

"This year, like the years before, the Forbidden Forest is, as it name suggests, forbidden for you to go into. Other than that, no rule seems so important right now to take away from our eating time. If you have any questions about what to do or what not to do in Hogwarts, please ask Mr. Filch, a professor, or a head boy, head girl, or prefect. Other than that, dig in."

Sirius smiled slightly at his eccentric headmaster and then began to pile food onto his plate. However, after he had done so, he realized that he did not want most of it and tried to find a quick way to dispose of it before James or Remus noticed. The problem was that during the summer his parents had rarely given him complete, full meals. In fact, he was lucky if he got a meal a day. And after all that starvation, his stomach just couldn't handle large amounts of food.

So instead of eating it all and making himself sick, Sirius ate what he could and got up without saying anything to his two friends. Quickly he walked away, leaving them staring at him as he walked away.

"He didn't eat all his food," James said softly in astonishment, staring at his friend's plate. Sirius always ate a lot, no matter how much food he had eaten before. Yet here he was, leaving his plate half full. "Do you think he's sick?"

Remus shrugged and took a bite of potatoes. After swallowing, he muttered, "Whatever happened over the summer, I think you handled your questioning very badly on the carriage."

"Well, what did you want me to do?" snapped James, waving his fork around and thus sending a piece of pork chop flying across the hall. "I'm not going to let him hide the truth from us anymore when it's clearly tearing him apart."

"Oh, the things you we go through," groaned Remus, taking a drink of pumpkin juice.

"What do you mean?" questioned James, looking at his friend strangely.

"Well, I'm a werewolf, you are madly in love with your best friend, and Sirius is obviously having some problems at home."

"Yeah, so?" pressed James, clearly not understanding his friend.

Instead of answering again, Remus hit himself on the head and muttered to himself in exasperation, "Oh the things _I _go through."

A.N. How was that, acceptable? Oh, I do not own this main overall story. It's J.K. Rowlings, not mine. And if you really, truly think that I am, seek medical help immediately. Thank you for reviewing!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

James found Sirius curled up in a tight ball on his bed. After Sirius had left, James had been overwhelmed with worry for his best friend that he couldn't concentrate on anything else. So, instead of sitting around doing nothing but torturing himself and Remus, James had decided to follow him.

"Siri," James called softly. He could hear sobs that were muffled by a pillow and the teenagers shoulders were heaving. Slowly, James walked towards Sirius's bed and sat down on the edge. Hesitantly he put his hand on his friend's back and rubbed it around in circles. The boy, however, immediately tensed and moved away slightly. James frowned and sighed. "What's wrong? I have never seen you this upset before, so don't tell me that you are fine."

"Really, nothing out of the ordinary is wrong," Sirius sniffled, glad that he wasn't technically lying. He rolled onto his back and James could see that his eyes were red and there were tears stains on his splotchy cheeks.

Sirius's answer, though, worried James a considerable amount. The problem was that things that weren't out of the ordinary for Sirius could sometimes be absolutely horrible. His parents were constantly beating him, verbally abusing him, and torturing him in every single way possible. Sirius did not know, however, that James knew about his home life. "Sirius, it's apparently not fine. I mean, the last time I saw you cry was when you got that Howler from your parents that attacked you in our first year."

"So," snapped Sirius defensively, "maybe I just feel like crying. Is that a crime all of a sudden?" James sighed in frustration and exasperation at that only so obvious lie. Why did it have to be so difficult to help his friend when he was hurting? Sirius was always willing to help out anyone who needed it, but he refused to accept any help from anyone who noticed that he was suffering. Instead, he effectively pushed them away.

"You do realize that I'm not going to leave you alone until you tell me what happened over the summer that has obviously upset you a great deal, right?" persisted James. He was seriously hoping that Sirius would tell him without making him argue all night. However, if he knew Sirius at all, he would have to.

Sirius sighed. Eventually he knew that he would have to tell James, Remus, and most likely Peter the truth about what had happened. He couldn't lie to the person that he loved more than anything else. He also knew that he wasn't yet ready to reveal the horrible truth. He wasn't ready to see the pity radiating from his friends' eyes. "James, please let me tell you on my own time," Sirius finally said, a pleading tone in his voice. "I'll tell you when I'm ready for you to know."

James sighed again and nodded his head abruptly. Those eyes, those chocolate brown eyes could melt any heart when they were looking at you like that. Without another word, James got up and walked into the bathroom. After hearing the door slam, Sirius began to cry again.

He hated to be seen in the condition that he was in at that moment. He felt weak and knew that he looked weak to the person that he so desperately wanted as a lover. The thing was, Sirius was afraid that James was just bursting with pity, and that was something that he did not want or need. Unfortunately, almost no one understood that and always showered him with it.

Curling himself back up into a tight ball, Sirius muffled his body wracking sobs with his pillow. He knew that he was messed up beyond repair. It was his opinion that if you allowed yourself to be beaten, raped, and starved continuously, for an entire summer, than you were a little more than useless and pathetic.

After a while of sobbing and hateful thoughts, Sirius fell asleep. Moments after he had drifted off, James came into the room again, all ready for bed. Immediately, his gaze fell upon Sirius, who was fully clothed on his bed and shivering.

Shaking his head slightly, James moved forward to the bed. Carefully, so as not to awaken the sleeping boy, he removed the shoes and slid and tucked Sirius in under the blankets. After a few moments, his shivering stopped and he rolled over onto his side, occasionally mumbling incoherently.

James sat down, deeply troubled by his friend. He feared that the worst had occurred during the summer. However, as much as he would like to help his friend, he knew that pressing him was not going to work.

The door opened behind him and James looked up to see Remus standing in the doorway, watching both of them. He had a sad smile on his face and seemed to understand what James was thinking.

"There's not much we can do is there?" James said softly, carefully taking Sirius's hand in his own. It was warm and when James closed his hand around it, the fingers curled as if trying to hold his hand in return.

"I'm afraid not," replied Remus, sitting down on his own bed, his head now cocked to the side, as if trying to understand something. "Why haven't you told him you feel about him yet?"

Blushing slightly, James pulled his hand away and sighed. "How do you really think he would react if he was suddenly told, _hey I'm madly in love with you and have been for two years._ Yeah, that would go over well."

"No need to be so sarcastic, James," he muttered, watching him intently. It made James feel awkward and he turned his gaze back to Sirius. He was now muttering under his breath in his sleep. "James." Remus's voice made him look back up, no matter how reluctantly. "You need to get some sleep. You seem to be tearing yourself apart because of this. Whatever happened, there's really not much you could have done to prevent it."

Sighing again, James nodded and walked over to his bed. As he lay there staring at the roof he said softly to Remus, "Do you think it's even conceivably possible that he loves me?"

Remus chuckled softly. "Is it conceivably possible that your animagus trick will work? Was it conceivably possible for you to accomplish what few wizards can do? Think James, of all of the conceivably possible things we've done these past five years. One would think, after a while, that you would learn that _everything_ is conceivably possible."

A.N. thank you all so much for reviewing. I really am updating as fast as I possibly can. Um, I was thinking about boosting the rating up to an 'R'. What do you think? I really need a second opinion with this. So, yeah thanks again for reviewing.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

_Sirius cringed as the door opened. "Not again," he thought as he inwardly groaned. However, much to his unpleasant surprise, it was his father. Slowly, he moved towards the bed that his son was lying on without saying anything. _

_Slightly confused, but with a growing sense of dread, the boy pulled the blanket tightly around his slender body. Upon his arrival Sirius had been placed in a room with no room and a quick beating. Shortly after that, his clothing had mysteriously vanished, for no reason as far as he could tell. _

_What did his father want at nigh, though? Sirius thought he knew. Although he often came into the room during the day, he avoided his son at night. _

_Sirius's fear increased when his father sat on the bed and began stroking his arm. The touch sent shivers down the boy's spine. Then, almost gently, the man turned the boy over onto his stomach. At this point, Sirius panicked and started to jump up. Before he could though, the man placed a body-binding curse on him, thus effectively freezing him in his place. _

_Thoroughly terrified, Sirius felt hands running down his smooth back, caressing his skin. "Such a pretty little boy, aren't you," the man whispered, his mouth close to Sirius's ear. "The only thing you were ever good for was looking at. Stupid little fuck. You're nothing more than a fuck toy, a whore. I'll bet you sleep around with every Gryffindor who asks. " _

_Sirius felt tears welling up as his father pulled away from him. He wasn't a whore. Behind him he could hear his father stripping out of his clothing. Panic once again settled into the pit of his stomach, but there wasn't much he could do about it. Moments later, Sirius felt his father's bare flesh rub against his back. "I'm going to teach you something that will come in handy soon," the man said. _

_Mr. Black began caressing his son's back. The entire time Sirius was thinking, "Not this, not this, not this. God, anything but this."_

_Before he knew it, his father was rolling himself onto his son's back. In one quick movement, the boy's father violated him in the worst way possible. Sirius let out a scream of pain, one long heart wrenching cry that screamed out, begging for anyone to just help him in any way. No one did though. No one ever helped him._

_After what seemed like hours later to the exhausted, abused boy, Mr. Black finally left his son, dressing hurriedly and taking the body binding charm off of Sirius. After he left though, Sirius remained frozen where he was. He could not comprehend what had just happened to him. Never before had he felt such pain. Not even during the worst beating he had ever had, which was when he had first become a Gryffindor. _

_After a while, Sirius grew tired of lying in a pool of his own blood. So shaking and barely able to stand up, Sirius walked to the bathroom and threw up all of the contents of his already mostly empty stomach. He had not been fed much recently. _

_He quietly crawled back to his bed and lay down again, much to exhausted to do anything else. Moments later, the door opened again. Sirius looked up, mildly surprised, but too drained of energy to do anything. There, in the doorway, stood Mr. Black and another man, around the age of 20. Now confused, Sirius sat up, wincing in pain. _

_"There he is," muttered Mr. Black. "He's good enough, worth every cent you're paying for him. Possibly more"_

_"And you can guarantee this how?" the man asked. He looked over Sirius as if looking over an animal that he was interested in purchasing. "He is a very good looking boy, but ugliness can easily be concealed." _

_"Trust me Jacob; I would never try to give you a bad deal. He'll do whatever you ask, and will easily submit to you with a quick beating." With those words said, Sirius's father left the boy alone with Jacob. Jacob moved forward and sat next to the boy. Immediately he began kissing him roughly. Shocked, Sirius tried to pull away. The man, however, would not allow it and slapped Sirius hard across the face. "You're mine now, bitch. From now on, I own you and will have my way with you." Roughly he pushed him down onto the bed and climbed on top of his bruised chest. Slowly, he admired the boy underneath him. "Your father was right. You are a pretty one."_

_Getting off of Sirius, Jacob rolled him over, easily resisting Sirius's weak attempts to get away from him. Moments later, Sirius was screaming in intense pain again, clutching to the bed sheet as if it was his only chance for survival. "You're mine now," Jacob's voice rang through his head. _

Sirius woke up screaming in his bed. Around him, the other boys were startled out of their sleep. James, however, was the only one who got up to comfort his friend.

"Sirius," came James's urgent voice from his bed, "what's wrong? What happened? Are you alright?"

Trying to calm his breathing down, Sirius just ignored his best friend. _How stupid am I?_ he wondered angrily. He couldn't believe that he had forgotten to place a silencing charm around his bed.

The curtains around his bed pushed open and James Potter's face was suddenly before Sirius, looking worried and tired. "You are going to tell me what is wrong now," he said, sounding determined, worried, tired, and sad all at once. It hurt him to know that the person that he loved was suffering from some unknown tortures.

"I can't tell you," Sirius said, breaking down again, sobbing. "Everything is just so screwed up. I mean, I'm a talentless mess, I'm turning your life into a mess, and life just sucks! I don't know why you even bother with me. All I'll ever do is bring you down."

"That is not true," replied James, somewhat angrily. He also hated how his friend always degraded himself, as if he weren't worth the energy. "You are an amazing person who has many talents."

"No I'm not," argued Sirius, now becoming hysterical. "Amazing people don't allow themselves to be beat up constantly. Amazing people don't have parents who hate them because they don't conform to their every word. Amazing people don't give in easily when they are faced with conflicts and threats. Amazing people don't allow themselves to be raped and treated like fuck toys. Amazing people don't fall in love with their best friends. Amazing people don't-" Sirius stopped abruptly, suddenly realized what he had just said.

James looked at Sirius, and felt as if he had been punched in the stomach. _"Raped?"_ he thought, very worried all of a sudden. Had Sirius been raped? It made sense, now that he looked over the past events of the day. Sirius had continuously flinched at each little sudden noise, touch, and word.

Sirius was chewing on his lower lip and looking nervously at his best friend. Not only had he just admitted to being raped, but he had also mentioned his love for James. However, it would appear that James was only dwelling on the first part. _"Now he'll never approve of me. I'm so screwed up. He probably thinks that I'm weak and pathetic and stupid and...maybe I am a whore. Maybe he thinks that." _

"Sirius, who raped you," James finally asked, looking carefully at Sirius, trying to suppress his look of pure fury.

"It doesn't matter," muttered Sirius, looking down at his lap, trying to stop the tears that wanted to flow so freely.

"Of course it does. Someone hurt you and they should not be allowed to get away with it so easily. Was it your father?"

Sirius opened his mouth and then closed it. Instead, he nodded curtly and then shook his head, effectively confusing James. Just when he was going to ask, Sirius whispered, "When I got home this summer, my parents told me that they had been having some financial troubles and that we would all have to work over the summer. It turns out that my job was being the personal slut to Jacob McCallister. Before that started, though, my father came into my room and...and....." Sirius sniffled, shook his head and then continued. "Then every night after that, with a few exceptions, Jacob would come to my room and abuse, rape, and hurt me in any way possible."

James,at this point, was completely speechless. His friend had gone through so much and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He couldn't even give him a comforting a hug because he would most likely have a bad flashback. Instead of pushing for gory details about his experiences, James decided to ask what his nightmare had been about.

"It was about the time my father had raped me. It was the first time anything like that had ever happened. Despite the belief of the entire school, I was a virgin before this summer."

Speechless once again, something suddenly struck James. _Amazing people don't fall in love with their best friends. _Could Sirius possibly...? It definitely sounded like it. However, then did not sound like the correct time to bring that up.

After a few moments of silence, Sirius whispered hesitantly, "James, would you...um, stay with me tonight? I know it's kind of awkward, but...."

James nodded his head quickly. "Of course I'll stay with you tonight. And tomorrow I'm going to escort you to the hospital wing because you could be hurt and not know it."

Sirius would have protested, but James had just lay down next to him, and wrapped his arms around him in a friendly hug. _Maybe he didn't hear me,_ thought Sirius, almost hopefully as he drifted off to sleep.

As James watched Sirius fall asleep, he muttered softly, "I'm so sorry Sirius. Why do you have to suffer so much while I'm living the high life?" Drifting off to sleep himself, James said an "I love you" and then fell asleep.

A.N. erm, I'm really sorry that that was really bad. I've never written anything like this before, so I have absolutely no idea where all of that came from. Uh, thanks for reviewing, I'm glad you like it.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The next morning, Sirius woke up and immediately panicked. There was another presence next to him. However, he immediately calmed back down when he saw that it was just James. And then he panicked again. He had told James everything, from his being raped to his love for him.

Suddenly, a wave of nausea hit him and he jumped out of bed and into the bathroom. James woke up with the sudden movement of the bed, and Remus woke up to the sound of the door slamming. James and Remus shared a look when they heard vomiting from behind the door.

"What happened last night?" Remus asked, looking at James questioningly.

James opened his mouth, only to close it again. He knew that it was not his story to tell, and had a feeling that Sirius would not appreciate him spilling his secret. So instead he just shook his head. "I can't tell you without breaking every boundary of friendship. It's his secret to tell, and I'm not going to blow that."

Remus nodded and watched as James got up to check on Sirius. Tentatively, he knocked on the door and pushed it open. Sirius was sitting there leaning against the wall, trying to calm down his labored breathing. He had a glass of water in his hand and seemed to have cleaned himself up rather quickly.

"Are you alright?" James asked, forgetting that Sirius was paranoid to touch and touching his arm. Sirius flinched back slightly, but nodded anyway.

"I'm fine, just a little bit…ill. Very icky feeling, if you've ever felt the urge to throw up your entire stomach."

James raised his eyebrows at his friend's sarcasm. He definitely was not happy with what was happening to him. "You're going to the Hospital Wing right now, no objections. Come on." And with that, James pulled the boy to his feet and dragged him out of the room, giving Remus a significant look.

"Can you really do this legally?" he asked as James dragged him down to the hospital wing.

"Yes, and I am," was James's short answer. He knew that he was probably hurting his friend with the tight grip that he had on his arm, but he'd rather hurt him slightly than have him suffering later for not going at all. If he loosened his grip, then Sirius could pull away from him easily. He may have been slightly smaller than James, but he was still really strong.

Sirius was nervous. He really didn't want anyone to know what had happened to him. He did not want to see the looks of pity. There was also the fact that he had mentioned his love for James. He was terrified about his friend's answer.

So far, though, James hadn't mentioned anything. Maybe he had forgotten entirely. No such luck.

"You know," James said, as they neared the Hospital Wing, "I love you too."

Sirius looked at James as if he'd suddenly gone mad. For an instant, James was afraid of what Sirius would say, but there was no way he could have mistranslated his friend's confession. For a moment, Sirius hesitated and then replied, "I love you too, but how do I know that you're not just saying that to make me feel better?"

"Would I lie to you?"

Sirius pondered over this question for a moment. No, James never had and most likely never would lie to him. "How could you love someone as screwed up as me?" he asked meekly.

James stopped at this point and spun Sirius so that he was looking directly at him. "You are not screwed up. Some unfortunate things happened in your life that should have been prevented. None of what happened was your fault. You can not possibly place the blame on yourself for what those bastards did to you. And you didn't allow them to rape you, that's why it's called rape."

Sirius looked at the floor and then back up at James. There was love and admiration shining in his eyes for Sirius. They were emotions that Sirius had seen before, but had never been on the receiving end of. They were emotions that Sirius knew he wanted, but assumed that he could not have.

"Come on, love. You need to see Madame Pomfery."

This time, Sirius didn't even resist in the slightest bit. He followed James quite willingly. As they walked, James pulled Sirius close to him and Sirius gladly snuggled up to him. Finally he felt loved and wanted. It was a strange feeling really, but not unpleasant.

All in all, they arrived at the Hospital Wing much too soon for either of their liking, but James knew how important it was for Sirius to see Madame Pomfery and even Sirius was resigned to seeing her.

Before Sirius went in, he turned to James and muttered, "I really would rather you not go in with me. Please, I need to go in by myself."

James nodded, but did not leave until he saw Sirius go in and get Madame Pomfery.

Inside, Sirius was explaining quickly what had happened during the summer. The woman listened with growing horror and immediately set him down on a bed.

"I know this is going to be awkward but I need to check for any tears that aren't going to heal by themselves," she said softly. Sirius's eyes grew wider, but he nodded and let her inspect him. It turned out that he was badly beaten everywhere on his body and would need some stitches in some places.

Right before he left, he told the nurse about his throwing up that morning. Immediately Madame Pomfery thought of one thing. "Were you ever given any kind of potion?"

Sirius thought for a moment and then nodded. "It wasn't outright or anything, but I'm pretty sure they slipped something into my drink occasionally."

She nodded as Sirius explained and sighed. "I think you may be pregnant then."

Sirius looked at her in shock and dropped onto the bed because his knees gave out. "I'm…I can't be…that's just not, there's no way…."

She nodded again, only this time sadly. "I'm sorry," was all she could think of to say.

Sirius looked up at her and then whispered, "Please don't tell anyone."

"I'm going to have to tell the headmaster, and probably some of your professors, but past that, it's your decision to tell anyone else."

Sirius nodded and muttered a quick thank you and left.

A.N. yep, thank you for reviewing. Um…I'm trying to post these quicker now, simply because I want to. Um…yeah, thanks a bunch to my fans!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

James was surprised when Sirius showed up in class. He had expected that Madame Pomfery would want to keep him for more than one class. Apparently he was wrong. Sirius sat down next to James like nothing had happened, although he did look somewhat apprehensive.

James would have asked what was wrong, but Professor McGonagall was talking and had already yelled at him for disturbing the class and threatened him with a detention. Normally a detention would bother James in the slightest bit, but he just thought that getting one on the first day back was a very bad idea.

So instead of talking, James decided to write his hopefully-soon-to-be boyfriend a note.

_How'd it go?-James_

_**Fine, Madame Pomfery said that I would just be a little bit emotionally damaged, which I could have told her myself- Sirius**_

_So nothing horribly serious?_

_**Erm, not last time I checked. Of course, I don't really care at this point. Whatever happens happens. **_

_Well, I'd rather good things happen to you. _

_**Well so would I, James, but we don't exactly get to decide how our lives turn out, do we? I mean, if we could, I'd chose a different family, a different childhood, and a different summer. **_

_Sorry, mate. Are you going to tell Remus or Peter? _

_**Do I have to? **_

_No, but you should. _

_**Maybe later. Did you really mean what you said while we were walking to the Hospital Wing? **_

_Yes, I did. Why? Do you doubt me?_

_**Not at all. **_

_I think you do._

**_Well, I was just wondering if maybe you suddenly started to care about me like that because you were feeling sorry for me. _**

_No, I've actually loved you for a while now. That's mainly why I confessed that I was gay last year. I wasn't sure if you were or not, but I figured I'd have a better chance with you if you already knew. _

_**Ah, I just thought you loved someone else. **_

_No, right now the only person I can even dream of caring about like that is you. _

_**How can you love someone so screwed up? I mean, I'm a mess. **_

_No you are not. What happened is not your fault and if I have to give this lecture every single day I'm going to get really fed up with you. _

_**You aren't serious are you?**_

_No, you are. Ha ha ha._

_**Oh the cuteness. Like I haven't heard that pun before. But you weren't, were you?**_

_No, I don't think I could ever tire of being with you. _

Just then Professor McGonagall came up behind them and grabbed the note away. Quickly she skimmed it and then shoved into one of her pockets. "Please save your conversations for after class," she said and walked back to the front of the room.

Sirius and James shared a sheepish glance and then began to feign interest. Both of their minds were dwelling on something completely different from the class's material though.

_"How am I going to raise a child?_ Sirius though sadly, staring at the front, but not seeing anything. _"Come to think of it, how am I going to raise my rapist's child without thinking about the horrible things that happened to me?" _He really hated the idea about terminating his own baby, even if it was one that was forced upon him.

The thing was that Sirius pictured the baby as an already living human being, which, technically, it was. And the way Sirius figured it, he would be murdering the child for something that he couldn't help, like the fact that Sirius was raped by one of his fathers. That, to Sirius, was to close to how his own life was, to close to the reason that he was hated by his own family. It wasn't his fault that he was different, and it wasn't the baby's fault that he happened to be conceived by someone who had raped Sirius repeatedly. Not to mention the fact that Sirius didn't like the idea of murdering anyone.

However, there was always that element of being able to provide enough love for the child. If every time Sirius saw the baby and felt resent towards it, what kind of life would that be? Sirius knew what kind of life that was because he lived it everyday during the holidays. Although he knew that he loved being alive, sometimes he wondered what it would be like if he were dead. Sirius sighed silently. Before he had this baby he had come to terms with what had happened to him first.

James, on the other hand, was wondering if Sirius would like to be his boyfriend. He had a vague idea that he would, but after everything that his friend had gone through, it did kind of seem like he was taking advantage of him. _"Well I'm not,"_ James thought angrily. He had known for a while now that he was in love with his best friend. It hadn't been a random, overnight discovery. However, there seemed to be something bothering his dark haired friend beyond his unpleasant summer vacation, and it was worrying James beyond what Sirius had told him.

He glanced at Sirius. He was staring at the wall blankly, not really comprehending his surroundings. Apparently he was deep in thought. About what? He had no idea what to do to help his friend. He couldn't even touch him without him flinching away. Indeed it would appear that he was scarred for life, no matter how much Sirius joked about it. Well, maybe not for life, but at least until Sirius was able to forget the horrors of it. Which would most likely be never, unfortunately.

James glanced at Sirius again. He was now actually trying to pay attention. He could tell by the way his eyes were now shifting and attempting to focus on the teacher rather than dozing off. Everything about the boy sitting next to him amazed him. How he could be so calm about something so terrible. How his strength and bravery had kept him alive all those years of torture. And his physical features were absolutely astounding. His chocolate brown eyes that could show such strong emotions, and his full lips that always seemed to be curving into a smile no matter what he was going through. And also his body, how slender he was and how his hips swayed when he walked. Everything about him was perfect, in James's eyes.

Sirius must have felt James's eyes watching him, because he turned around and raised his eyebrows. In return, James just smiled a smile that said, to Sirius, how much he loved him and that everything would be just fine. However, Sirius had a feeling of foreboding that everything would not be alright. He had a feeling of complete dread towards future events.

A.N. and there we go. I don't really know how far I should go with this story, but it's going to move really fast while Sirius is pregnant...kinda. So, thank you for reviewing.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

A few weeks passed and not much really changed. James and Sirius had started going out and could frequently be seen kissing in corners or hugging in the common room by the fire, despite Sirius's past experiences. Remus just watched the two as they seemed to fall more in love with each other whilePeter remained quite clueless to everything as he spent all of his time with his girlfriend.

That, however, was what everyone, including James and Remus, saw on the outside of Sirius's life. For some reason, Sirius still refused to let them in farther than the exterior, and as such, he was suffering for it. Not that either James or Remus knew it though. Sirius was very good at hiding his emotions.

Sirius still hadn't told James that he was pregnant, nor was he going to. Every morning he had morning sickness, so every morning he got up silently and vomited until he hurt so badly that he wished he could just die. He didn't though. He was now determined to live. To live with James, this baby, and his own self satisfaction. Of course, right then he just had to get past the birth and telling James part.

However, has his pregnancy wore on, his mood swings became increasingly random and more and more impulsive. One moment he would be perfectly happy and the next he would be running out the door because someone said a completely neutral statement that made him cry. Neither James nor Remus had any idea what was wrong with their friend, although Remus had vague suspicions.

James was really just content with the way everything was going. He had the most perfect boyfriend on the planet, good grades, and a family who couldn't wait for him and Sirius to visit during the vacation. He had absolutely no idea what his boyfriend was going through. And, to be honest, he didn't want to know if anything was wrong with him.

However, about three months after Sirius had discovered he was pregnant, he became a bit worried about how to cover that he was showing. Really, it looked like he would have to use a concealer charm, which he really didn't want to do in the first place. But what could he do? He was already starting to show a little bit, and he was getting strange looks from James because he was eating a lot. Well, more than usual. And just saying he was fat would not work because Sirius was so slender that he would have to eat ten times the amount that he was to reach a logical argument with that. Not to mention, his strange, random cravings were kind of strange.

So, around the fourth month, Sirius started using a charm that concealed his stomach. He hated it, but he understood that he had to until the baby was born. By that time he would have told James and everything would be perfect again. Unless James decided that he wanted to break up with Sirius because he had a child and would not be able to do anything that he wanted.

Which immediately filled Sirius with fear. What if James decided that he didn't want someone with a baby as a boyfriend? That would most likely kill Sirius. When he was with James, he felt such love and affection, and if he had to lose that love because he was raped and had gotten pregnant because of it, he would seriously consider abortion. Of course, he had already gone over that option and decided that it would be impossible for him to do that.

Then there was the conflict of when to tell James. He didn't want James to find out when he was walking around with a baby in his arms, but…he actually didn't find anything wrong with telling him right then. Like they said, there's not time like the present.

During the fifth month of his pregnancy, Sirius still had not told James and had been using a concealing charm. He was sitting on his bed, deciding that he would tell him today when James walked in.

"What's up?" asked James as he walked over to Sirius and sat down on the bed next to him. Wrapping his arms around Sirius, James noticed that he no longer flinched when he was touched by James.

"Nothing much," responded Sirius as he placed his hands almost protectively across his stomach. _"Now or never,"_ he though, somewhat grimly.

But before he could say anything, James started talking about how happy he was that Sirius was finally not so tense about being touched by James and how maybe someday they would be able to get married and do things that married couples do. Sirius couldn't tell him. He seemed so happy for it to just be the two of them. Why would he want a baby coming in and ruining their lives?

"That's great," Sirius said after James had finished expressing his thoughts, a hollow feeling in his chest. Suddenly, James looked at his watch and jumped up.

"I just remembered that I have Qudditch practice now. Hmm, I still don't get why you don't want to play this year, Siri. You are the best beater there is." And with that James rushed out of the room and out to the field, leaving Sirius staring after him.

He was tired of this. Tired of not being able to do the things that he wanted to do, tired of having to conceal things from the person he loved, tired of lying. Just then Remus came in and looked at his friend.

"What's wrong Sirius?" he asked. Recently, he had been noticing that his normally outgoing friend was becoming more and more reclusive. It was hard to see him like that, and Remus was tired of watching him hurt, so he decided to intervene.

"Nothing's wrong," Sirius said, turning away from Remus slightly. He couldn't tell Remus before he told James. Could he?

"Something's wrong, and I'm not going to leave until you tell me," he said stubbornly. He could see the internal battle that his friend was facing.

After a moment, Sirius sighed and looked at Remus closely. "Do you promise you won't tell anyone if I tell you? At least until I say so," he asked, looking nervous.

"Of course," agreed the werewolf, wondering what could be bothering Sirius so much.

"Well…um, I'm pregnant," blurted Sirius. Once he said it, he was amazed at how easily he had said it. Although he could feel tears starting to form.

"Well that's great!" exclaimed Remus, obviously assuming that it was James's child, not the rapist's. Of course, Sirius wasn't exactly showing because of the concealing charm.

"Not really," mumbled Sirius and grabbed his wand by the bedside table. After taking the charm off, his stomach, which was normally flat, was round and big. "You see, James and I have never had sex before."

Remus's eyes widened at the sight of a pregnant Sirius. That could mean only one thing. "This is your rapist's child, isn't it?"

Nodding slowly, Sirius rested his hands on his stomach and looked down. He wondered what Remus's opinion of that would be.

"Does James know?"

The question made Sirius freeze. Apparently Remus thought that he should tell James. "I'm afraid to tell him," Sirius answered honestly. He hated the thought of rejection. Then again, after being rejected his entire life, it was perfectly understandable.

"Why?" pressed Remus, trying to sort through Sirius's emotions.

"I…he might not want someone who was raped and then got pregnant because of it."

"James wouldn't do that. He would not just dump you and leave you in a horrible situation," reasoned Remus, trying to calm down his now sobbing friend. "How about we tell him sometime. I'll help you, if you want."

With tears in his eyes, Sirius looked up and gave a watery smile. "Thanks, Remus. You're such an awesome friend."

"I know, and look at what I go through to make you happy," he teased. Sirius just laughed.

A.N. how was that? I'm getting really tired of slow chapters so I think I'll put some action in...or at least some drama. shrugs I'm glad you're all enjoying this. Please review!


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Sirius was going to tell James that night, with Remus's encouragement, but it just happened to be the full moon. A full moon that Sirius would not be attending, to the urgings of Remus. He didn't want Sirius's health to be endangered because of the pregnancy.

So, instead of going with Remus, he decided to go for a walk around the castle. James was in the common room, he knew, because he had wanted to keep Sirius company, but Sirius just wanted to brood.

He was nearing the library when suddenly Snape appeared from around a corner. He looked at Sirius and laughed a cruel laugh.

"Well look at this, it's the bastard who was raped over the summer. Did you enjoy playing the bitch?" he sneered, clearly enjoying his time verbally abusing the pregnant boy.

"Shut up, Snape," he snarled in return. It was a little known fact that pregnant men were highly emotional and could act impulsively. It didn't help that it was Sirius, who acted impulsively whether or not he was pregnant.

"Why bother?" Snape hissed. "You know, I saw your friend being led out of the castle. I wonder where he is." He smiled slightly and continued, "You know, I will discover where he is someday."

Sirius was seeing red, couldn't think straight…things were quickly spiraling out of control. He wanted someone to hurt…pain…suffering…someone needed to understand…needed to hurt as he had…he wanted it to end...memories haunted him…rage consumed…lying on a bed…_"You're mine now"_…forgot who it was…it was Remus, the Marauders..._"You're mine now"_...had to stop…the pain…overwhelming emotions…raging anger…fury…had been disowned…"_No son of mine"_…pain…must feel pain…must hurt. Snape would know what it was like to hurt, to suffer, to cry, to fear. All these thoughts raced through Sirius's head without stop. All these thoughts pushed any rational thought out ofSirius's comprehension. He was too far gone…

"Why not make that day today," whispered Sirius, a sort of madness settling over him. "Just go to the Whomping Willow and prod the knob with a stick. The tree will freeze. Enter at the base. Follow the path, and then you'll find Remus."

Sirius then turned on his heel and walked away, his emotions finally calming down, letting him think clearly. Which made Sirius realize what he had just done. Without thinking twice, he ran off to find James, the only person who could help in a situation such as this.

"James," he gasped as he practically fell into the room. By then he was panicked. He knew without a doubt that Snape would try to find Remus. "You…you have to…have to help. Snape, I told him…going to tree…find Remus. Help James! Please help! I didn't mean…it was an accident…so angry…wanted him to…but not really…please go get him…I don't know what to do!" By the time he finished explaining in his jumbled sentences, James was running out the door without a spare thought for anything, except why would Sirius do such a thing.

After what seemed like forever, with Sirius sitting on the couch next to the fire brooding, hoping, crying, and occasionally getting up and pacing, James returned, a look of pure fury on his face.

"How dare you," he whispered, looking at Sirius coldly. "You almost killed someone. No, you did something worse than that. You almost made one of your best friends a murderer. I hope you're happy."

"No, James," Sirius cried, tears falling from his eyes. "I didn't mean to. I really…"

James walked away from him, shaking his head in utter disgust. Sirius knew that the night was going to be a long one, filled with tears and more mixed up emotions.

The next morning, Sirius awoke feeling like shit. He sat up and looked around him. The nights events came roaring back to him and he felt his heart skip a beat. James hated him, Remus wouldn't speak to him, and he hated himself. He stood up and put on the concealing charm. There was no way he could go on with school with a baby and no friends.

_"If I just leave…"_ Sirius thought dully as he took a shower. He decided, however, to go talk to Remus first. Hopefully he would let Sirius explain.

So Sirius walked to the hospital wing slowly, with a sense of dread in his stomach. When he got there he pushed the door open and was met by two angry glares, one from James and one from Madame Pomfery.

Remus, however, looked at Sirius curiously and then gestured him to come forward. Sirius did so, a little bit nervous. James looked shocked that Remus wanted him there, but he didn't say anything, just watched.

"I'm so sorry, Remus,"Sirius whispered. "I don't know what came over me. Everything was just so…overwhelming. I couldn't think straight. Things just…blew out of proportion."

Understanding filled both Remus's and Madame Pomfery's eyes. They both knew that his mood swings were due to his pregnancy. James, however, just sat there, looking at Sirius in an unforgiving way.

"James," Remus said softly, looking at his friend. "May I please speak to Sirius alone?"

James nodded, and after shooting a particularly murderous look at Sirius, left.

"You need to tell him," Remus said, watching him leave. Sirius shook his head and sat down next to Remus, completely ignoring his previous statement.

"I'm sorry. There's no way I can possibly give you excuses. Nothing's going to change the fact that Snape knows. I'm so sorry."

"You didn't mean it, Siri," whispered Remus in a soothing voice. Quickly he had Sirius calmed down. "Go explain things to James, please."

Nodding, Sirius got up and walked out the door as he would have done almost anything for Remus at that point. All he had to do was find James, make him listen as he explained what had happened, and tell him that he was pregnant. Sirius sighed. He knew he had failed before he even started.

Unbelievably, it wasn't as hard to find James as Sirius had thought it would be. He was sitting in the courtyard, staring at the sky.

"Um…James," said Sirius, walking up timidly. James looked at him and frowned angrily as he stood up.

"How could you?" he snarled. "You betrayed him. And you betrayed me through betraying him. You are despicable. I now see how it is possible for you to be a Black. You're just like them. I hate you and wish you'd go die and rot in hell! You do not deserve to live."

And with that, he shoved Sirius hard and walked away. Sirius fell and immediately put his hand on his stomach. He had just lost the most important thing in his life. And it was his entire fault.

A.N. I think that was rather sad. Oh well. What do you think? Thank you for reviewing! Muchas Gracias.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Angrily, James stormed back to the hospital wing, calming his swirling emotions.It was hard for him to believe, but he still loved the traitorous bastard. James sighed and entered the hospital wing. Madame Pomfery looked at him and then nodded. She was fervently hoping that everything was alright between James and Sirius, but judging bythe boy'ssad, lost look, she would not bet on it.

"I hope you told that bastard off," James said when he sat down next to Remus. Remus, under the impression that Sirius had told him, looked at him quizzically.

"Why would I do that?"

"Because he betrayed you." James had really thought that Remus would not forgive him so easily. "I never want to see him again."

"What did you say to him," whispered Remus, horror building in the pit of his stomach. He had a bad feeling that things had not gone the way he had hoped between his two friends.

"Only the appropriate things. I hate him, he's a bastard, he's just like the rest of his family…things like that," the dark haired boy replied, looking confused. Truly, he found no reason for him not to be angry at his former boyfriend and didn't know why Remus was so horrified about what had happened between them.

"What have you done?" asked Remus, completely frightened for Sirius. "Didn't Sirius explain what happened?"

"I didn't need him to explain."

"WHAT! YOU DIDN'T EVEN LISTEN TO HIM? HOW STUPID CAN YOU GET?" roared Remus. "YOU GO APOLOGIZE AND LISTEN TO HIS SIDE RIGHT NOW!!!"

Completely shocked, James stumbled out of the room and decided that there was more to the incident than met the eye. So, determined, James went off to find Sirius.

Sirius sat on his bed in the dormitory. What was the point? James hated him. To him, there was nothing outside of James. And he hated him.

Sirius got up and paced around the room. What was the point? He had done something unforgivable, although Remus had already. He had betrayed Remus, the Marauders, and James. And it was entirely his fault.

Sirius sat down by the window. Why should he even bother? His life was basically over. The one good thing that he had going for him was gone forever. And he hated himself for driving that away.

Sirius walked to his trunk. Why bother living on anyways? He was hated by James and he hated himself. And what was the point, if you were hated by everyone?

Those were the thoughts vibrating through his mind as he pulled out a pocket knife from his trunk. Why should he continue living? No one would miss him, if they had any sense.

He brought the knife up to his wrist. For a moment, he hesitated. For his unborn child's sake. However, he felt that he was such a failure that the only thing he could do to really help the baby out was to just die. It really couldn't get any worse than that, and he'd rather the baby die than live with a traitor for a parent. Plus, Sirius just didn't want to have to go through everything without James. He just didn't have the will.

And so he sliced. Blood seeped through the wound that he had made on his arm. Soon, it came quicker as he put pressure to it. Sirius slashed his wrist again. Blood began pouring from his arm onto the floor. Soon he began to feel dizzy. To ease his aching head, he lay down and his thoughts began to whirl around again.

_"You're mine now…you're mine now...I hate you…don't deserve to live…you're mine now...hate you…" _The words that hurt most replayed over and over in his mind as he began fading in and out of consciousness. _"You don't deserve to live…you're mine now…I hate you…" _Sirius sighed as he heard footsteps on the stairs. Why couldn't they let him die in peace?

_"I hate you...you're mine now…don't deserve to live…" _

"I don't deserve to live," breathed Sirius as he completely lost consciousness. Before he did, he could see feet kneeling in front of him and could hear his name being called through sobs.

James watched as Sirius lay there, heard his last sentence as he lost conciousness. It was entirely his fault. How could he have been so thoughtless as to not even listen to what had happened between him and Snape?

And so there he was, leaning over his boyfriend, wrapping his robes around the bleeding wrists.

"HELP!" he screamed over and over again, praying that someone would hear him and come and help. After what seemed like an eternity, he could hear the sound of footsteps on the stairs.

"If this is some prank, Potter, I swear I'll hurt you," a voice came from outside of the door. In came Lily Evans. As she entered the dormitory, she stopped and gasped.

"Please go get Madame Pomfery, or someone, or anyone. In fact, help me take him to the hospital wing. Please Lily, please. I'll do anything," begged James, tears shining in his eyes.

Lily snapped to her senses quickly and came over to help James lift the lifeless boy. "That's not necessary, James. Come on, we have to hurry."

So the two of them carried Sirius down to the hospital wing. Every now and then, James would check that he was still breathing and that he had a pulse. Each time, James found that, while he was still breathing and he still had a pulse, it was growing fainter and weaker. This encouraged him to speed up and soon Lily was struggling with the speed that he had set.

The entire walk, the words that he had said to his best friend repeated through his head. _"I hate you…you deserve to die…you're like the rest of your family."_

It took entirely too long to get to the hospital wing in James's opinion, but when they got there, they made sure that Madame Pomfery took care of Sirius immediately. Lily turned to leave, but before she did, she muttered a quick, "I'm sorry for your friend. I do hope he gets mended up soon."

James turned his attention immediately back to Sirius. Remus was watching the entire scene with worry and slight anger in his eyes from his bed. Madame Pomfery sighed slightly and got bandages out and immediately wrapped his wrists.

It took a while, but after a while she was convinced that he would survive. She then picked up her wand and waved it at his stomach, taking off the concealing charm. James, who was sitting silently with Remus, looked at his boyfriend in shock. Pregnant?

"He's…and I… and he…mood swings," he said faintly, trying to organize his thoughts.

"That's why I told you to talk to him. I knew that he had most likely been provoked by Snape and therefore could not be held accountable for his actions. I had hoped that you wouldlisten to Sirius before making any serious judgments and saying harsh, impulsivethings."

"Will he be alright?" asked James as the nurse walked past him. She glanced at him and nodded shortly. As she entered her office, James walked over to Sirius's bedside.

He was pale and his breathing was shallow and harsh. James looked at his friend'sround stomach and sighed. Why hadn't Sirius told him? Gently, he placed his hand on the round bulge in his friend's stomach. A baby. It was amazing really. To think that Sirius would have to raise a child. With James's help of course. If Sirius wanted it now.

Madame Pomfery came bustling out of her office again and checked his pulse one last time, before nodding in satisfaction.

"Is the baby okay, too?" James dared to ask. She glanced at him and nodded.

"Both of them are going to be just fine," she said and turned around to go into her office again.

"I feel so horrible, Mooney. Look what I did to him. I didn't…I don't know what to do anymore. What if he doesn't forgive me?"

"He will," answered Remus calmly. He knew that Sirius was so deeply in love that it would take a lot more than a misunderstanding to stop that love.

"I hope so…"

A.N. erm...was that horrible? I've had no personal experience in cutting (or pregnancy for that matter, so if some facts are wrong about that too, please forgive me) so I have no idea what I was writing about. I really don't know how much blood loss it takes to pass out, so...yeah, that may not be accurate. Anyways, thanks for reviewing.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Blinking, Sirius was greeted by a harsh light. He groaned and sat up, looking around him. James was sitting in a chair, dozing slightly. On the bedside table there were get well soon cards and candy. Where it had come from, Sirius had no idea. Sirius also looked down at his stomach. It was not concealed and was still really round, which implied that nothing had happened to the baby.

Next to him, James began to stir. He woke up and his gaze immediately went to Sirius. The past few days had been very hard for him. He had been excused from all of his classes because Professor McGonagall seemed to realize that he would be no good in any of his classes. However, sitting next to Sirius was near torture to him. He couldn't even see him without feeling incredibly guilty. He was afraid that each breath would be his last, that suddenly his pulse would stop and the gentle rhythm of his chest rising and falling would end.

Now however, he could clearly see that he was alive and well. Or, at least as well as he could be. "I'm so sorry, Siri," he whispered, reaching forward and pushing some of his raven black hair out of his eyes. It took all of his will power to not jump up and wrap him in a tight hug.

Sirius shook his head slightly and tears filled his eyes. "Don't be. I'm to blame, all me. I should have told you about…" he didn't finish his sentence, just gestured to his stomach.

"I don't know why you didn't. Remus said it was because you were afraid I'd leave you." When Sirius didn't say anything, James grabbed his friend's hand and clung to it tightly. "I would never leave you. Even if you had not had a legitimate reason for telling Snape about Remus, I would end up forgiving you and loving you just as much as I had before."

Sirius nodded and looked away from his friend. "I'm sorry. I really regret not telling you. If I had, a lot of things could have been avoided."

James gave a half smile and nodded. "It's not your fault. Don't even begin to think of it as your fault."

Sirius smiled and James crawled on the bed to give his boyfriend a hug, one that Sirius gratefully leaned into and cherished.

A few days later, although she didn't want to, Madame Pomfery let Sirius go back to his dormitory. However, she made him promise to take it easy and not to do anything strenuous since she wasn't sure how his recent health issues had affected the baby. So Sirius was limited to class and going to get food. And even then Madame Pomfery said that if he could get someone to get him food, to do that.

After he had come out of the hospital wing he had decided that, considering James knew, he shouldn't use a concealing charm. Which brought quite a surprise to Peter, but considering he was always off with his girlfriend, it didn't really matter.

A few days after he had been released from the hospital, Sirius was sitting on his bed, trying to concentrate on his homework. That was not as easy as it might sound, though. The baby seemed to be dancing around, which was highly distracting and painful to the teenage boy.

Sirius was drawing nearer to when the baby would be born. It was now his sixth month and he was getting slightly anxious as to what to expect. He wasn't sure how the baby would be born, what to do during the birth, and after that he wasn't sure of what to do with his baby. Obviously he couldn't breast feed and he didn't have money to go out and buy things for the baby. Hopefully Madame Pomfery would be able to help him out.

"Hey, sweetie," James said as he entered the room. He smiled when he saw Sirius attempt a smile and then wince as the baby kicked again. "You know, your stomach is really big. Are you sure that you're only having one baby?"

Sirius shook his head slightly. "No, Madame Pomfery really isn't sure."

"Even though she knows every single spell there could possibly be to discover it," stated James, looking at his friend closely.

Sirius shrugged. Madame Pomfery really hadn't told him anything, but he had a suspicion that she did know and just didn't want him to panic. Either way, he didn't really care. All he was focusing on at that momentwas the kicking in his stomach. It was really starting to hurt.

"Do you want to take a pain relief potion?" asked James as he noticed his friend's pained expression. He could only imagine what it felt like to have someone kicking you from the inside of your stomach.

Sirius nodded and went back to reading, or at least trying to read, his textbook. He had missed quite a bit of classes recently and actually had to read something to understand it. It was really rather annoying, considering he never had to study.

After what seemed like forever, James came back with a pain relief potion and handed it to him. Sirius took a deep breath and gulped it down. He hated the taste and only took it if he was really hurting.

James sat down next to him and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Sirius leaned his head on James's shoulder and sighed happily. It was hard to believe that just a few days ago he had thought that he had lost the most important thing in his life.

"How are you managing this?" asked James randomly, awe shining through his voice. "How do you go to your classes while you're pregnant? How do you get up each morning after what those bastards did to you? How did I get so lucky as to get someone as amazing as you?"

Sirius smiled slightly and closed his eyes, simply enjoying the feeling of being in James's arms. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm the lucky one," he muttered, quickly become drowsy.

James smiled slightly and rubbed his boyfriend's shoulder in a comforting way. Before he knew it, Sirius was fast asleepon his shoulder, with his textbook still open on his lap. James smiled and closed the book. Gently kissing Sirius on his forehead, James whispered, "Oh the things we go through."

A.N. that was really fluffy. Anyways, please review and thank you to all of you who read this, even if you don't review, or like it. THANKS A BUNCH!!!


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Sirius sat on the bed looking at Madame Pomfery expectantly. She was pacing and going through multiple records, trying to find some information about men pregnancies. All in all, she was failing. Not much was said about men pregnancies anywhere. It would appear that most people didn't even know they existed anymore. She sighed and finally found a section on it.

"Well?" asked Sirius, looking up at her with questioning eyes. He was at the end of the sixth month and was starting to become anxious. He desperately wanted to know what was going to happen to him before it actually did.

Madame Pomfery scanned the page and just handed him the book, apparently not in the mood to describe what would happen. She was not big on divulging gruesome details. Sirius took it and sighed. It did not sound overly pleasant, and once again he felt a stab of hatred towards his father and Jacob. If only he could…Sirius shook his head. Thinking thoughts like that was not going to help him in the long run, they would only depress him further.

"Is that all?" he asked after skimming the page. She nodded in response and took the book back from him. "Am I having twins?" he asked, looking at her intensely. He wanted to know the truth, and James had been right. His stomach did appear to be larger than it should have with only one baby.

Madame Pomfery sighed and shrugged. "I really don't know. Sometimes it seems like you are and other times it doesn't. I really do think that you are, but…" She shrugged again. "I don't know."

Sirius sighed and stood up, placing his hand on his huge stomach. The baby kicked again. "How can you not know?" he asked, looking slightly shocked. She was the nurse and knew everything there was to know about…well, everything!

"I don't know. You are forgetting that men pregnancies aren't the same as female pregnancies. I have never had any experience in any."

"Oh, so I'm just an experiment, so anything can happen," Sirius cried, getting really emotional again. Anything that could be mildly upsetting was traumatizing to the dark haired boy.

Madame Pomfery braced herself for the outburst, but one didn't come. Instead she heard a groan and saw Sirius sitting back on the bed, wincing slightly. "Must it kick so much?" he asked, a pained expression on his handsome face.

She smiled slightly in spite of herself. The boy seemed to be quickly tiring of pregnancy. He really hadn't seemed to mind earlier, but now that he was experiencing the pain of it, he wanted it over. Of course, he had never liked his appearance while he was gaining weight. "Do you want some pain relief potion?"

Sirius shook his head. "I just had some before I came here," and broke off with another groan of pain. The kicking was severe now and he was on the verge of crying for the pain. It had been getting steadily worse as the baby grew larger and by that time he was ready for the birth of his child.

Madame Pomfery looked nervous, and then had him lay back down. She began to prod around his stomach and could indeed feel intense kicking. She was worried now. Never before had she felt such intense kicks from a baby. It was just not normal. Not even in the books she had read did it address strong signs from the baby.

Sirius saw here worried look and immediately became nervous. Nothing could be wrong, could it? He had done everything she had told him. He hadn't moved around excessively, hadn't overdone things, hadn't eaten too much or too little…he had followed her specific guidelines. "What's wrong?" he asked, concern in his voice.

"I don't think the kicks should be this strong," she replied, the worried expression not leaving her face.

"Well, what are you going to do about it?" he asked, looking at her, hoping that she was being completely honest with him.

"I'm going to check for twins again."

Madame Pomfery bustled back into her office for her wand. Minutes later she returned and began testing him again. Sure enough, when she had conjured up a picture of his baby, there were two outlines. "I think you are having twins after all," she said, examining the picture.

"Great," muttered Sirius sarcastically. Madame Pomfery made the picture go away and had Sirius sit up. After prodding a bit more, she gave up and sighed.

"I think you are experiencing intense kicking because you're having twins. That would explain why it is intensified." Madame Pomfery sighed again and helped Sirius stand up. He was suddenly experiencing a moment of weakness. "Are you sure you can walk all the back to your common room?"

Sirius nodded, but then sat down suddenly, feeling dizzy randomly. "Maybe not," he muttered and lay down. Madame Pomfery walked over to him and placed her hand on his forehead. He flinched back slightly, but immediately relaxed. He didn't seem to have a high temperature, so she assumed that it was an effect of the pregnancy. So she let him just lay there, resting. She only hoped that James would come when he didn't see Sirius in the dormitory. She didn't really think Sirius should stay in the hospital wing all night, as he seemed to do better in his own bed.

So while he was sleeping, Madame Pomfery waited for someone to come to assist Sirius up to the dormitory, as she didn't trust that he could make it on his own. Sure enough, after dinner, James came in, looking concerned.

"Where is he?" he asked as he looked around. Madame Pomfery nodded over to the closed curtains where the boy was sleeping.

"Mr. Potter, you will have to help your boyfriend up to the room. He was kind of dizzy and weak when he tried to leave earlier. I don't want him falling on a staircase and injuring himself or the babies."

"No problem, I'll make sure he's-did you say babies?" James asked, shocked. "As in two?"

Madame Pomfery nodded and watched as James collapsed to the floor. She sighed and helped him into a bed. It would be a while until he woke up, and when he did she wanted to talk to him about how to help Sirius be more comfortable during the kicking stage. She had a feeling it would be a while until he woke up again, so she went back to her duties again, occasionally checking on the two of them.

A.N. thank you all for reading. I'm sorry that this chapter was not really good. I think the one of the next two chapters will be the birth of the twins. Please review, and thank you!


	12. chapter 12

Chapter 12

Sirius was woken up by Madame Pomfery as she gently shook his shoulder. "You can go to the common room if you would prefer," she said. "James is here and he's going to help you."

"I don't need help," muttered Sirius, and got off the bed. Immediately he swayed and the nurse grabbed his shoulder to prevent him from falling. Sheepishly, he glanced at the nurse, who kept her grip on him. "Okay, maybe I do need some assistance."

Madame Pomfery nodded in satisfaction and called James over. He came immediately, but looked dimly confused and lost. Sirius looked at him curiously, but didn't ask. Carefully James wrapped his arms around Sirius's shoulders to make sure he wouldn't fall and they began to make their way back to the Gryffindor common room. Madame Pomfery watched them leave with a small smile on her face. They were indeed an interesting couple.

"Are you alright, Siri?" James asked as they walked. He had been completely set on helping Sirius raise one baby, but he wasn't sure if raising two would be possible for teenagers.

Sirius looked at him and smiled wearily. He was tired and, despite sleeping for an hour, felt like he needed immediate rest. "I'm just tired. How about you? You seem to be acting differently."

James looked at him and shook his head. "Twins? Is it actually possible for us to raise twins together?" he asked, still getting over the shock.

Sirius shook his head slightly and sighed. "I'm going to have to, aren't I?" he mumbled, slightly resentful. James looked at him in surprise at his pronoun use.

"No, _we_ as in _us,_" James corrected in a slightly joking tone. He wasn't about to let Sirius go through this alone. He was going to be there for him every single step of the way. Through birth and childhood and adolescence. It was his goal, and if he had to marry Sirius to prove his sincerity, then he would. First he had to talk to Sirius about it, though.

Sirius looked at James with a sad smile crossing his face. "I don't want you to feel like you have to help, just because you're my boyfriend."

James stopped and pulled Sirius over to the side. "Sirius, I want to help you. I think I would be miserable if I watched you facing this alone. If I have to, I'll marry you. But, just know that I will never consider it a burden or an unwelcome hurdle to help you and your children. I want to be your husband, and their father. Maybe not now, but someday I would like to be a permanent part of your life."

Sirius stared at James for a moment and then gave him a big hug. That had been the most loving thing he had heard from anyone. Never before had he felt such love, such care, such…want. It overwhelmed him and touched his very soul and the reality of it all. "Thank you James. I would never want to push you out of my life, unless you really didn't want to be a part of it."

James smiled and gave Sirius a long kiss on the lips. Sirius eagerly returned the kiss and only broke apart when lack of oxygen interfered. James looked deeply into Sirius's eyes and smiled slightly. Sirius was panting slightly, and smiled back at him. "That was nice," he whispered, leaning in close to James's ear.

"Very nice,' replied James, also panting. After a moment of staring at Sirius, James continued, "I think we should get to the common room now. I think we both need our rest."

Sirius nodded and let James lead him to the dormitory. Once they got to the room, Sirius immediately lay down on his bed and James came and sat next to him, absently playing with his boyfriend's raven hair. Randomly, Sirius sighed. "I'm so fat and ugly," he complained as he sat in James's warm embrace.

Sighing as well, James retorted, "You are not. You're pregnant, what were you expecting?"

Sirius sat up and looked at James. "I don't know. I'm so tired of this and I hate everything about it! What did I do to deserve this? Why did that bastard have to…" he trailed off, a lost expression on his face. It was really the first time that James had heard Sirius complain about what had happened to him. Before, he had just seemed to accept that what had happened to him was a tragedy, but now he seemed to want retaliation. "I didn't do anything to him, yet that bastard-that fucking bastard just came and…look at this!" he exclaimed, gesturing towards his stomach. "I'm not old enough to take care of a baby, let alone two babies. Hell, I doubt I could take care of myself. And it's entirely my fault. I'm such a weak, pathetic, ugly whore! I guess I did deserve it."

"Don't," whispered James, horrified at what he was hearing from his best friend. Horrified that Sirius was really thinking that he deserved what had happened to him. Horrified that he had kept these emotions in for as long as he had.

Sirius looked at James bitterly. "If I didn't deserve it, then why did it happen?" James opened his mouth to answer but was cut off by Sirius as he burst into despairing sobs, sobs that wracked his body that would leave him exhausted. "I hate them so fucking much," he choked out between sobs. "Why…why…why?"

James wrapped his arms tightly around Sirius's shaking shoulders. "I don't know why, Siri. The only thing I can tell you is that you didn't deserve it. No one, not even Snape, deserves that." He began stroking Sirius's head and gently put his other hand on Sirius's swelled stomach.

"I don't want these babies. I can't take care of them. I don't want to take care of them. I'm afraid that every time I see them I will be reminded of what happened to me," he cried, holding on to James as if his life depended on it. "I'm such a mess, damn it, I'm such a fucking mess! Everything about my life has been one big screw up since the day I was born. I was never good enough for my fucked up family, never good enough for anything really, and I will never be good enough for you! Why do you even bother? I'm nothing but a lost cause. You don't want a person who is so screwed up."

James let Sirius rant, but with each word he was growing more furious, more outraged. Not at Sirius, no, never at Sirius, but at his family for making him feel that way. "You're right, I don't want to be with someone who is screwed up." Sirius looked up at that comment, an anguished expression on his face. But James continued, "You, however, are not screwed up and are not a lost cause. You are an amazing, wonderful, awesome person who deserves to be cherished and loved, not scorned and hated. I honestlydon't knowwhat your parents are smoking to think otherwise, but I know the truth, and you should too. There is no one who could be better for me than you are, and that will always remain the truth."

Sirius looked up at James again, his eyes red and his cheeks splotchy. Once again he felt that feeling of being loved, wanted, and needed, overriding the negative, painful emotions.Those were feelings that he cared for most because he had been deprived of them the most. After a moment, his sobs stopped, and Sirius sat up in James's arms, uncertain as to what had just happened.

"Are you feeling better?" James asked carefully, not wanting to upset the pregnant boy again. All in all, he felt that it was best that his boyfriend let all of his pent up emotions out. Holding them in like that was not healthy, and Sirius needed to realize that showing emotion once in a while was not a sign of weakness.

Sirius nodded and leaned against James, still sniffling slightly. "I'm sorry," he apologized softly, "I don't know what came over me. This need to just…rant on about everything came over me and I…" Sirius sighed, and trailed off hopelessly.

"I think you deserve the right to rant. You're life has been pretty horrible, you have every right to cry, complain, curse, shout, rant…whatever. However, there is no need for you to degrade yourself so. No matter what you say or what others may say or do to you, you'll always be incredible."

Sirius smiled slightly and felt himself becoming drowsy. Ranting took up a lot of energy, especially when you were crying. "Thank you, James," he muttered. "You know, I really do want these babies. Although later would've been nice and if the father had been different, but...yeah, I lied about that." Sirius sighed and snuggled up against James. "I love you."

"I love you too," responded James, kissing him on the forehead.And then Sirius fell asleep and James, being the loving boyfriend he was, stayed with Sirius throughout the night.

A.N. Alrighty then, I'd decided that Sirius was acting way to calm about everything, so…drama is always nice. Anyways, the next chapter the twins will be born. Please review and thank you!


	13. chapter 13

Chapter 13

"Get up," urged James, shaking his boyfriend's shoulder. Sirius was huge at this time and was only about a month away from when the babies would be born. Sirius groaned and simply pulled the covers tighter around his body. The last thing he wanted to do was get up.

"Don't wanna," he grumbled and rolled away from him. James growled in frustration and again tried shaking his shoulder, but Sirius just dodged.

"For someone who seems so intent on staying in bed, you sure seem to be doing a lot of exercise," teased James, gently prodding him. Finally, Sirius rolled over and faced James, groaning loudly. "You see, that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"Do you like your teeth, Potter?" Sirius snarled. He was not a morning person, and the pregnancy seemed to be making him even grumpier.

James just smiled at his response and pulled back to covers, ready to assist his lover out of bed. Sirius just shook his head and allowed James to help him, grumbling mildly under his breath. He seemed to be in an especially bad mood and James was very careful while escorting Sirius to the bathroom for a shower. Halfway there, Sirius rounded on James and snapped, "I'm pregnant, not an invalid!"

James took a step back, holding up his hands as if in defense. "Sorry, you can go along your merry way. I'll just wait for you and then we can go on a nice walk around the lake."

Sirius actually smiled, despite his temper and mood swings, and entered the bathroom, once again grumbling under his breath. James smiled and laughed slightly. He couldn't wait for the babies to be born, if only to tone down Sirius's grumpiness. James sighed and walked back to sit on his bed. He was hoping that a walk wouldn't be too strenuous for Sirius, because Madame Pomfery would have his neck if it was.

He wondered what it would be like to have another human life completely depending on you for everything. It would be weird, no matter what ended up happening. He had a feeling that he would love Sirius and the babies and live happily ever after, no matter how corny it sounded. He loved Sirius, and despite the circumstances on which they were created, the babies were part of Sirius.

Moments later, Sirius came out with his hand on his stomach. He had a pained expression on his face. "I don't feel too good," he mumbled and started to fall as his knees gave out. Immediately James got up to catch him.

"Do you want to go to Madame Pomfery's?" James asked, looking concerned as he helped his boyfriend stand again. Sirius leaned heavily upon James and nodded slightly.

"I don't really _want _to, but the sensible thing to do would be to go to the hospital wing, I suppose." Sirius sighed and stood up straight. He still seemed to be in pain, but James didn't say anything, and just followed him out the door to be certain that he didn't fall. Sirius had started teasing James that he was following him around like a worried mother hen. James had nothing to say to that except that he always had Sirius's best interests in heart and mind.

And it was a good thing he did too, because as they exited the common room, Sirius seemed to get dizzy and his knees gave out. James immediately dived for him, catching his boyfriend right before he hit the ground, grateful that he had incredible reflexes, or else Sirius would have hurt himself. Sirius looked up at James and gave a disoriented smile. "I don't feel so good," he muttered, his breathing becoming rather shallow. "In fact, I feel really bad."

"Oh, come on, love," James muttered, hauling Sirius back to his feet. Now that he was pregnant, he was a lot heavier. "We have to get you to the hospital wing, now!"

"What if they babies are ready to come?" asked Sirius as James wrapped his arms around his waist and half carried half dragged him to the hospital wing.

"Then…well, then they'll come," retorted James, too focused on making certain that Sirius was alright. The last thing he wanted to happen was for them to both fall and die.

In record time, though, James was pushing the door open to the hospital wing. Sirius was half conscious at the time, and when he was paying attention he was really random. The way James figured it, it was best if Sirius just didn't know what was happening.

As Madame Pomfery bustled into the room, she attempted to switch Sirius's weight onto her shoulders, rather than James's. Sirius, however, struggled by clutching onto James and not letting go. Almost immediately, she gave up and gestured James to bring him over to the bed. As they started walking again, Sirius muttered, "It hurts James."

"What hurts?" James responded, carefully assisting his friend into the bed. Once he was lying down, Sirius closed his eyes and seemed to drift off into an unsettled sleep.

"What happened?" asked Madame Pomfery, looking at the sleeping boy as she checked his pulse. It was quickened.

"I don't know. He came out of the bathroom and almost fell over. And then we came out of the common room and he kinda…I don't know, somewhere between passing out and going mad."

"I think the babies are ready to come," she muttered softly, placing a hand on the bulge in Sirius's chest. "Hmm, I've never done this before. I know how, but…"

"YOU'VE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE!!!???" yelled James, shocked. He had assumed that she had done things like this many times before.

"Shush, this is a hospital wing, not a quiditch pitch," she snapped, looking around at her other patients. Then she sighed. "This is going to be my first time actually."

"Oh no it's not," James said, not yelling now, but still not quietly. "You are not going to do a first time thing on Sirius. No way!"

Madame Pomfery sighed. It was cute how much James cared for Sirius, but at the same time, it could get annoying really fast. "Mr. Potter, I have to do my job. I called in for a mediwitch to come and help me out. She should be here in moments."

"Okay," James muttered, finally calmed down. "That's fine then. I'll be around, I guess. Blood is kinda…yeah, not for me. I'll see y'all around."

And with that, James turned on his heel and walked out the door. He wanted to be with Sirius, but he knew that he would most likely get sick and be more of a hindrance than a help.

Meanwhile, Sirius had drifted back into consciousness and was wondering where James had gone. It was making him panic, slightly.

Madame Pomfery walked into the room with some woman that he didn't know. They both walked over to him. "Okay Sirius," Madame Pomfery said, and then began explaining everything. Sirius listened with half an ear, all the while wondering where James was.

"Where's James?" he asked after she finished her explanation.

"He left. He figured he wouldn't be needed here so he went…elsewhere," she responded and began setting up for a c-section. Sirius watched her apprehensively, wondering why James wasn't around. Had he decided that he didn't want anything to do with him and the babies after all?

"Alright, Sirius," said Madame Pomfery in a soothing voice and gave a potion to drink. The last thing he remembered was feeling really sick, dizzy, and scared before he blacked out.

A.N.-alright, the next chapter, you get to meet the twins. Sorry that it was very vague. I really don't know anything about c-sections, so that was really about the extent of my knowledge (it's also why Sirius blacked out and it ends there). Teehee. Anyways, feedback is always great! Love you all. Tootles.


	14. chapter 14

Chapter 14

Sirius woke up, feeling pain in his lower abdomen and incredibly sleepy. He looked around briefly and saw Madame Pomfery bustling around. Next to him was James, dozing in a chair and on the other side of the bed was a baby basket. Sirius looked at it in slight confusion. Why was there only one when he had twins?

Just then James woke up. He looked over at Sirius and then followed his gaze over to the baby bed. Sorrow seemed to fill his eyes and desperation. How could he possibly tell his lover what had happened to the little boy? However, it was inevitable, but he wouldn't tell him until Sirius asked. Which happened to be the first thing out of his mouth.

"Why is there only one baby bed? I had twins," stated Sirius, looking around the wing for a hidden bed.

James bit his lower lip and Sirius brought his attention back to his boyfriend. Suddenly he understood and didn't want to hear the response. Instead he stood up, wincing slightly from a little bit of pain, and walked over to the baby bed. Inside lay a little baby girl. She was sleeping peacefully and her tiny little hand was curled up next to her face. Sirius smiled sadly as he watched her, and James watched Sirius closely. Despite his outward composure, James could tell that Sirius was breaking into pieces internally.

Carefully, James got up and walked over to wrap his arm around Sirius's now slimmer body. "I'm so sorry, Siri," he whispered into his ear. Sirius jerked back slightly, but didn't remove himself from James's arms. He seemed to be fighting the impulse to run out of the hospital wing and cry in a corner where no one could see him.

Instead of running, though, Sirius just shook his head and leaned against James, feeling overwhelming feelings breaking over him, painfully. "There's nothing to be sorry about," he muttered and sat back down on the bed, feeling weakness fill his already sore, tired body.

After a few moments of silence, James picked up the little girl and sat down next to Sirius. "What are you going to call her?" he asked, looking carefully at him. Sirius looked up and then at the little girl's face. She looked so much like him, with the same nose, same hair, same full lips. Sirius smiled slightly and then thought about it for a minute.

"I think I like the name…"he muttered, pausing for effect, "Anastasia Audrey Black."

James looked at Sirius in surprise. "What's up with they a's?" he asked. Sirius just smiled and shrugged, carefully taking his daughter from James's arms. Ever so slightly, she stirred, and then went back to her peaceful sleep. Sirius had a feeling that that wouldn't last long.

"What does it matter?" retorted Sirius, carefully rocking Anastasia against his chest. "All I know is that it's a really pretty name." He rocked her back and forth, and a tune popped into his head and he began to softly hum it to her. In between breaks, he explained softly, "The name means 'resurrection' or 'exists' and Audrey means 'noble strength'."

James nodded slightly. He had no idea why Sirius knew all that stuff, but he now understood why he had decided to name his surviving child the strangest names he could think of. The names he choose basically had to do with living on, surviving, and being strong and courageous. He wanted his daughter to have a good name like that. "Good choices," James said, smiling and wrapping his arm around Sirius's shoulders.

They spent the rest of the day like that, cuddled up to each other, with Sirius occasionally talking to Madame Pomfery or taking a pain relieving potion. Madame Pomfery continually expressed her deepest regrets to losing the child, but she told him over and over that it was not her fault, and if she had saved the child, then Sirius might have died instead, as well as Anastasia.

James fretted over those types of comments to no end. The thought of losing Sirius was unbearable to him. As sad as it was to lose the baby boy, Sirius meant too much to him to just lose like that. Of course, Sirius did not need to know that right then, as he was still grieving over his lost son.

That night, Madame Pomfery came out to explain what he must do to feed, change, and basically watch over the baby.

"For food," she began, pulling something out of a bag that she had put together for him, "you will need to feed her whenever she cries, and every three hours, if she's been awake the entire time. Feed her this formula, milk thing through this bottle. It should be warm, but not hot. Changing the baby…well, I'll show you how to the first time and then if you need any help later, you can just ask. Um…the baby should always sleep on her stomach. Anastasia might squirm and cry a lot, and sometimes just singing to her, talking, rocking…whatever, will usually put her to sleep. Usually babies cry when they're hungry, need a change, or just want love and comfort. Any questions?"

"What do I do with her while I'm going to classes?" Sirius asked, looking at the sleeping bundle in his arms. She looked so cute.

"You will bring her down to me before you go to breakfast, you can come see her whenever you have time and you can come pick her up after dinner. If that will be to difficult a schedule to maintain, then you can bring her here on Monday and then pick her up after dinner on Friday. Most parents would not like doing that, but you do have an excellent excuse."

Sirius stared at her and then shook his head slightly. "I think I'd like to try dropping her off in the morning and then picking her up after dinner. If that gets overwhelming, can we revert to the other idea?"

Madame Pomfery smiled and then nodded. "Sure, I honestly don't mind."

Sirius gave a genuine smile, but quickly lost it. His baby was dead. Well, one of them was anyways. He couldn't believe it. He had been so careful, had done everything that Madame Pomfery had told him to, yet the baby still died. What had he done wrong?

Madame Pomfery noticed his grim expression and quietly excused herself to go check on some of her other patients. Before she was completely gone, Sirius called her back, "Madame Pomfery, why did he die?"

She stopped and looked back around at him. Full of sorrow, she replied, "He was underdeveloped. Twins don't always both come out alright, and you were a month early. I'm so sorry, Sirius." She walked away to tend to someone who had just walked in with warts sprouting all over his head.

"Jonathan," Sirius said suddenly. James turned and looked at Sirius as if he had gone mad.

"What?" he asked, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend.

"Jonathan Michael Black," he responded, looking thoughtfully at the ceiling.

"Why are you…"James began and then trailed off. It seemed cold to ask him that.

"Because, he's going to have a tombstone, right? I want a name to be there for my son, and now he has one."

James nodded slightly and held Sirius as he drifted off into a restless sleep.

A.N. school is miserable. I'm sick, yet school continues. How is that fair? Teachers don't have to go to school when they're sick! Where's the justice? Anyways, it's now "winter" break (politically flipping correct) and I should be able to write a lot. Except teachers still assigned work over the break. rolls eyes sucks for me.


	15. chapter 15

A.N. I got an interesting review, and I want to repeat myself: If you do not like rape, abuse, slash, suicide attempt, or the pairing James/Sirius, don't read this. If you don't like any of the above, why the hell did you even read to this chapter? Not that I don't love readers and all that jazz, but, if you don't like this type of story, please don't read it and then review, because (for the most part) I warned you and don't really want to deal with complaints.

Chapter 15

Dream/Flashback

_He sat in the farthest corner of his room. His breathy was fast, erratic. He felt as though his heart was going to burst forth from his chest, it was beating so hard. He heard grunting coming through the hallway and knew that it was most likely Jacob. Sirius moved his hand up to his mouth slowly and covered it, hoping that his tormenter would not hear his breathing. He looked around his room, trying to see if there was a way out, but he saw nothing of use. Darkness wrapped around his beat up body. _

_Randomly, the faint outline of Jacob appeared at his door. Sirius immediately cowered back and refrained from screaming out in frustration, humiliation, pain, and anger. Quietly, Sirius stood up with his back against the wall and watched as the man stumbled towards the bed. He heard a small crash and then Jacob cursing, "Damn that boy, always leaving his fucking shit on the fucking floor." _

_Now becoming even more frantic, he thought, _'I have to get out of here. Damn it, please don't let him find me.'_ Taking his hand away from his mouth, he felt his way to the door. When he felt the door handle, he smiled in joy and quietly slipped out. Before leaving, he quickly glanced back at the drunken, motionless figure on his bed. _

_Sirius ran down the stairs in elation and grabbed his jacket. As he was about to leave, a voice halted him from behind. "Stupid, stupid boy. You were always the one I despised." _

_Spinning around quickly, Sirius saw his father standing behind him. His father smiled a frightening smile, causing Sirius to squirm away, trying to avoid his gaze. Shutting his eyes, Sirius whispered to himself, "Please don't let him do anything to me, please don't let him do anything to me." _

_His father placed his hand on his shoulder and roughly dragged him up the stairs. "Jacob paid for you, damn it, and he will have you however he wants. Which means that you can't be running away." And with those words, he threw the boy into his bedroom where Jacob awaited him in a drunk stupor. Moonlight was shining through the window as Sirius looked desperately for a way out. He sunk his head in defeat, knowing that he would once again be tormented. _

_The man on the bed stirred and then woke up abruptly. He stood up and looked towards where Sirius was standing. He stood up and edged his way towards the frightened boy. When he got nearer, he slammed him against the wall and began to kiss him hard, bruising his lips. _

_Then he was thrown over onto the bed. Sirius hit his head on the backboard and became momentarily immobile. Jacob came over to him and roughly climbed on top of him. The next thing Sirius knew, his clothes were being pulled off. He struggled against the man and began crying. Tears streamed down his cheeks as Jacob randomly got up and stripped. Again he was jumped onto as the man tried to get off his clothing. Again Sirius struggled, but this time Jacob simply slapped him hard across the face. "Keep quiet, you little shit," he hissed angrily. "This is what you deserve for all the fucking things you've done." _

_Sirius spat in his face, but Jacob just laughed as he picked up the teenager's head and slammed it into the backboard. Getting slightly dizzy, Sirius attempted to straighten out his vision. Somewhere in the distance, he heard Jacob snarl, "You are a waste of air and space, and I promise to rectify that as soon as your services are over."_

_And with those words spoken, he rammed into Sirius, gripping his hips tightly to keep him from moving about. Sirius screamed and clutched at the covers in his agony. Harder and harder, then faster and faster. Jacob was brutal and showed no mercy towards the abused boy. _

_Sirius stopped screaming, and instead focused his attention towards a spot in the wall. It was no use. The pain, humiliation, anger, hatred…everything just built up, and with each painful thrust, Sirius wanted to lash out more and more. It was like this every night though, and nothing ever changed, no one ever did anything to assist him, including himself. _

_Just when he thought it would never end, Jacob pulled his body off of the boy. "I'll be back in a bit, you little shit. I didn't forget my promise. Not on your life. You just stay here," he said. Laughing, he added, "Not as if you could leave." And then he left. Sirius stayed on the bed, feeling pain engulf his exhausted body. If only he could leave, just flee away from everything. He couldn't though. He wasn't strong enough. He wasn't brave enough. _

_The door opened again and in walked Jacob. He looked at the boy and then walked back towards him, with his wand pointing towards him. "We're going to experiment now."_

End Flashback/Dream

"Sirius, please wake up," James cried out to him. Sirius jolted awake at his touch and stared around him. It had seemed so vivid, as if it had been occurring again. He looked at James and then at his surroundings. He was still in the hospital wing. Next to him was the baby bed holding Anastasia.

He looked towards James again, tears filling his eyes. James got up and sat on the bed. At his touch, the boy flinched back ever so slightly, but James noticed. "What were you dreaming about now?"

Sirius looked up at James and shook his head slightly. "It was another…scenario, in which I was…"

James looked at his boyfriend in concern. He hated the fact that Sirius had to deal with all of his nightmares. What had he done to deserve the never ending haunting memories that plagued him? Sirius seemed to be fighting off breakdown mode.

"Sirius, it's okay to cry," James muttered, wrapping his arms around his trembling body. Sirius, in reply, shook his head and uttered a soft noise that sound a lot like "no."

After a few minutes of sitting in silence, Sirius spoke. "It's not entirely my fault that I'm not good at showing emotions."

James looked at him in shock. This was not the type of conversation that Sirius Black would initiate. However, he seemed to want to get some things off of his mind, and it was a known fact, in James's opinion, that the best way to let go of something was to talk about it. "It was your parents' fault, right?'

Sirius nodded slowly. "I was about five when they noticed I wasn't going to turn out like them. I wasn't as cold as they were and I showed too many emotions." Sirius stopped for a moment as if trying to gather his thoughts. Then he continued, "My first beating, I cried. Who wouldn't? A little five year old is going to cry when the shit is beaten out of them. Anyways, that brought on more punishment, usually more painful. After a while I discovered that beatings weren't so bad if I didn't flinch, cry, fall, complain, or anything else that might mark me as emotional. As such, I don't show emotions easily. They frighten me. I'm afraid that they'll come after me and hurt me."

James had listened in silence, but his anger was growing towards the Black family. In his opinion, Sirius was possibly the bravest person he knew. If the Blacks had been his family, he would have been scared shitless. Although Sirius might have been terrified, he hid it very well, which also angered James. No one should be taught how to hide their emotions. It was his opinion that humans had emotions for a reason. That didn't mean you had to cry about every little trial in your life, but it would seem suitable that you cry if your parents hated you and hurt you in every way possible, short of killing you.

Sirius looked at James and felt his arms tighten around his body. He felt so loved, it was overwhelming. At that thought, Sirius burst into tears. Burying his face into James's shoulder, he let himself cry, no matter how much pain he was causing himself. His deep sobs wracked throughout his body, causing his breath to hitch, his head to ache, and his eyes to itch. But it was the least he deserved, right?

James simply sat there holding his lover tightly in his arms, glad that his friend was letting out his emotions.

A.N. I did not completely write this chapter. For the flashback I had some help from Bettie Weiss. Thanks to her for helping me. And I want to apologize for the note at the end of the last chapter. I do realize that teachers do have to work when they're ill (for the most part). I'm sorry, I'm a crummy person when I'm sick. Please review. Thank you so much!


	16. chapter 16

Chapter 16

Sirius was allowed to leave the hospital wing three days after his nightmare. During his time with Madame Pomfery, she showed him how to hold, feed, and change her. She also showed him the proper way to put her in her crib.

"Are you going to be alright in your dormitory?" asked Madame Pomfery the day he left.

Sirius nodded wearily. He was tired. Anastasia liked to wake up crying around midnight. "I'll be fine with it, but I'm not sure Remus and Peter will be. They usually prefer to sleep at night compared to being woken up by a noisy baby."

Madame Pomfery smiled, but saw his point. What were the other two boys going to do? The entire sixth year Gryffindor male population did not need to be half awake while going through their classes. "Maybe the headmaster could find a different, unoccupied room for you and the baby."

"And James," added Sirius. Then thinking about it, he continued, "Assuming he wants to, that is."

Madame Pomfery nodded slightly and replied, "I don't see why he wouldn't want to share a room with you."

Sirius shrugged and picked up his daughter. She wriggled around in his arms and then fell asleep against his shoulder almost immediately. "For now I'll just go to the dormitory. I'll start classes again when we have a permanent living situation."

"Alright," Madame Pomfery agreed, but added, "Just as long as you manage to keep up, I'll tell the headmaster that you need more rest."

Sirius smiled his heart stopping smile and said, "Don't worry. I'll have no problem with that." With those words spoken, Sirius gathered up the bag with the baby items in it and left the hospital wing. As he walked to the dormitory, he saw very few people, but those that he did looked at him strangely, but didn't comment.

_"Well,_" he thought in grim amusement_, "this is going to be an interesting finish to the year."_ In the long run, though, he was grateful for no confrontation.

He got up to the dormitory without major incident occurring, although once he almost lost his balance and dropped Anastasia. When he entered the room, he was surprised to see a crib already set up and a note inside of it.

It read:_ You and James are going to be moved out of the dormitory and into another room as soon as we possibly can. For now, however, you will have to bed here. I hope your friends will tolerate your presence until then. _

_Sincerely,_

_ Dumbledore. _

Sirius smiled slightly and gently placed his daughter in her crib. She stirred, but didn't wake up. Sirius grinned and watched her as she slept, her chest softly raising and falling in perfect rhythm. She was so beautiful.

Sirius shook himself out of his stupor and decided to do some of his homework that he had procrastinated on while James was in class. He sat down on his bed and fidgeted around until he managed to get comfortable. Then he pulled a book onto his lap and began to read about something that didn't really connect with his brain. His mind was wandering over the past events.

Suddenly a thought occurred to him. Men pregnancies could only occur after taking a certain potion. Why? Why had he been given a potion that would make him pregnant? Who would want him to have a child that was really of no use to no one? It made no sense, unless it was just another one of his father's pointless punishments.

Sirius sighed and lay back on bed. The Potters were trying to prove that he was guilty of rape, along with Dumbledore and a few significant others, but so far there had been nothing but bickering between both parties occurring. They seemed to just be pointing fingers and yelling about it. Not much was being accomplished. Plus, for the most part, his father hadn't really done anything. He had been raped by his father only once, and all of the other times it had been Jacob who was inflicting the pain. Of course, child abuse was also illegal, and Mr. Black had plenty of charges against him for the several beatings Sirius had received.

Why couldn't things just be simple? He was pregnant, he came back with beat up and torn. Why couldn't they prove anything. Sirius growled. He knew why. His father had many powerful connections who would rather jump into a lava pit than face Mr. Black's wrath.

Sirius dimly wondered if Jacob knew that he had gotten his whore pregnant. Yes, Sirius admitted that he was a whore. There was no other name for it, although it was unwilling. His parents had been paid for his services, which, by definition, made him a whore. Sirius sighed and got up to pace around the dormitory.

There were so many things that he had wanted to do with his life that he would not be able to do with a baby. He loved her to death, but there was always that lingering thought of what he could have done versus what he would now have to do.

He was at a lost. What was he going to do during the summer. There was no way in hell that he would go back to the Black residence. But he didn't feel like he could move in with the Potters, as that seemed like imposing, and that was one thing that he despised doing with a passion.

Just then the door opened and in waltzed James. Sirius smiled at him and let him wrap him in a hug. "How is my beautiful boyfriend this fine day?"

Sirius smiled at his words and pushed away his worrying thoughts. "I'm fine, and you, my equally beautiful boyfriend?"

James smiled and kissed him on the forehead gently. "Bored, but fine."

Sirius grinned and let James kiss him passionately, now on the lips. Sirius pushed into the kiss happily. _Kissed him hard, bruising his lips._ Sirius gasped and pulled away from James ever so slightly. He looked at him strangely and then asked, "What's wrong."

Sirius shook his head and then leaned back in for a kiss. James was still concerned, but kissed him in return anyways.

A.N. sorry that that was so short, but my little sister wants on the computer and I'm out of things that go with this chapter anyways. Thank you for reviewing.


	17. chapter 17

Chapter 17

Grumbling under his breath, Sirius walked across Hogwarts' grounds to get back to the castle. He had been out watching the Gryffindor quiditch practice, but the Slytherins had shown up and broken everything up. Insults had been thrown, along with spells, and Sirius, unfortunate as he recently had been, had been hit by a tickling charm. Sirius hated being tickled, as it could hurt him, and consistently insisted that he was not ticklish. However, when he was touched in certain areas on his chest or leg he would screech and wriggle away.

So Sirius was in a very bad mood as he went to go pick up his daughter from Lily, who had volunteered to watch over Anastasia while he went out and had some "alone-time". James was in the Gryffindor changing room, getting some of his items that he had dropped off in the room.

When Sirius entered the Gryffindor common room, he looked around for Lily, and found her in a corner with Remus, studying something. Anastasia was laying in a baby carrier next to her, and Lily's foot was gently rocking her back and forth. Sirius smiled slightly and walked over to his two friends, even though Lily had only recently become his friend (after Remus and her began going out).

"Hey Lily, Remus," Sirius said as he walked up and bent down to pick up his daughter. She opened her eyes, which were grey like Sirius's and cooed softly. "Hey baby, how are you doing."

She giggled and Sirius picked her up carefully, holding her tightly against his chest. After only a month, she had grown so much. He was so proud of her. Already she could hold up her own head and was cooing and crawling and…well, whatever else babies were supposed to do. Sirius was amazed at her every move, amazed at how this little life had been created.

Remus and Lily watched him and his daughter. "How'd things go on the quiditch pitch?" Remus asked after several seconds of silence.

Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes. "Slytherins are really stupid," was all he said in reply to his question. "Did you finish your essay for Professor McGonagall?"

Remus rolled his eyes and smiled wryly, "Of course I did, and of course you want to see it, to "get an idea" as to what to write."

Lily smiled and nodded slightly. "That sounds about right to me," she said, agreeing with Remus. Sirius shook his head slightly and sighed.

"You have corrupted sweet Lily, Remus. How could you?"

Remus snorted in laughter and shook his head in disbelief. "You're a hypocrite you know that?" he said. "I was sweet once too, and then I met you and James."

At that comment, Sirius bristled in indignation and retorted, "Hey, I resent that. I have done nothing to you that was against your wishes."

"Well actually-" Remus began, but Sirius shook his head and then turned on his heel without another word.

"I'll see you guys later," he called over his shoulder as he reached the door. Remus and Lily waved good bye and then went back to their "studying". Sirius smiled and walked to his new room. Like the headmaster had said, it had only taken a few days to find a place for Sirius and James to stay and then only a little bit longer to move them there.

Sirius was so happy with how things were turning out. He had fewer nightmares, fewer questions, and fewer regrets. Watching Anastasia growing up was an incredible experience, in Sirius's opinion, and while he still wished that he had gotten pregnant later, and by someone else, he was certainly pleased with his daughter. She was so beautiful. Really, she looked a lot like Sirius, with the same eyes, hair, and nose. She had the same high cheekbones that Sirius possessed and the same full lips. James had said several times before that Anastasia would be a heartbreaker, and Sirius couldn't find one reason why she shouldn't be.

When Sirius entered his room, he was met by an owl sitting on the windowsill. Wrinkling his eyebrows in confusion, Sirius set his daughter down and walked over to the bird. Carefully he took the letter off of his leg and then it flew away without waiting for a reply. Sirius watched it leave, now befuddled, and then opened the letter. As soon as he saw the first words, his heart sank in dread.

_From the Black Family,_

_This summer, we want you to come home, as always. What has happened to you does not change anything. You will come back here, you will do as your told, and if you have any sense at all, you will listen to us and agree with our every word. We do not want you to go to the Potters'. They are a bad influence and you should not be anywhere near them. If you do not come home, you, and the Potters', will have to face the consequences. _

_It has also been brought to our attention that you are/were pregnant from your…punishments from last summer. It has caused us great grief, as it called attention to the fact that you were mistreated at our house. This just increases how worthless you are, a mistake. I don't understand why we didn't just kill you at birth. However, we didn't, and as such we have to suffer the disgrace you put us through. _

_If you really do have a child, drown it. It is not worth keeping. Anything that's spawned from you cannot be worth it. I warn you now, if you bring that creature home with you, it will suffer and die and you will experience punishments beyond your imagination, which by now is probably pretty good. _

_Heed our warnings wisely. The Black family does not make idle threats. _

_The Blacks_

Sirius read and reread the letter, feeling his heart sink in his chest. He couldn't go home and be subjected to that type of torture again. However, he couldn't go to the Potters' either and endanger them from his family's wrath. What was he supposed to do? He glanced over at his sleeping child. Drown her? He could just as soon commit suicide while killing James and Remus.

Sirius sank onto his bed. There was only half a month until summer break began. That didn't leave much time for him to form an effective plan. The only thing that Sirius was certain of was that James must never see the letter. That would lead to an overly defensive James and a lot of arguing. But how could he lie to the one person that he had always loved?

The door opened and in came James. Sirius moved to stuff the letter under his pillow, but realized that it was too late. James had seen the letter in his hand and had come over to sit next to him, after blowing a quick kiss towards Anastasia.

"What's that?" he asked Sirius as he sat down next to him, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

Sirius shrugged and was about to lie, but James pried the letter from his hands and quickly skimmed over it. When he was done, he looked up at Sirius with astonishment shining through his eyes.

After a few moments of stunned silence James whispered, "Don't listen to them. They can't hurt you, or my family. You can't even consider hurting your own daughter. And you can't run away."

"Can't I though?" asked Sirius softly. A plan was starting to formulate in his mind. Maybe…maybe if he hurt James, betrayed him in some way, then he could save him and his family from a worse fate. It would hurt both of them, but it would keep his lover alive, right?

"What?" asked James, softly.

"Maybe I don't want to stay with you," he responded in a stronger, more determined voice. "Maybe I don't want to be with you anymore, ever. I don't need you anymore, why should I?'

James watched him through wide eyes as he continually verbally abused him. Nothing was really hitting a nerve, it was just startling him.

Sirius continued though, "You know, my parents were right. Why would I want to hang around with mudblood traitors like you? You are a bad influence, so why should I bother? You'll just end up holding me down with you good intentions. You know, I always thought you were too good. Too nice. Nice people don't get anywhere in this world. Mudblood lovers especially."

Each time he said the word mudblood, it caught in his mouth. He hated the word, it tasted foul and harsh. In fact, every word he said to James was like a stab to his heart. But he had to, if he wanted to help his friend, his lover...his life.

At the last part of Sirius's speech, James had become red with anger. How dare he?! After all that James had done to help him, he treated him like shit. And now he was showing his true color, and looked a lot like green. Just like his family.

"Well," he said after a moment of silence in a deadly quiet voice, "if that's how you feel, I think you would be better off with your family. I'm taking Anastasia though, considering they want her dead."

Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but then sharply snapped it shut again. He couldn't take her with him, wherever he ended up going. She would be best off not knowing him, better off just living with the Potters' and their perfect lives. "If you insist," Sirius drawled instead. "She is worthless to me. I don't know why you would want her, but…whatever floats your boat."

James stood up angrily and stormed over to the baby bed. Gently he picked her up and just gazed at her in his arms. Sirius watched them both, feeling his heart ripping apart. He had done the right thing. Neither James nor Anastasia would suffer for his wretched family, and if Sirius had any say in it, he would avoid them as much as possible.

"I don't know what I ever saw in you Black," hissed James, turning his back on him, Anastasia still in his arms. Sirius's eyes filled with tears, but he quickly wiped them away. As he did, he could hear James's voice saying, _"It's okay to cry."_ Sirius sighed inaudibly and thought, _"Not always, James, not always._"

James was ranting on about how easily he had been deceived, while throwing accusations, insults, curses and everything else that could shatter Sirius into pieces. After what seemed like hours of endless verbal torture, James spun around to face him again, anger, hatred, and pain shining through his eyes. The pain almost made Sirius retract his words, but he was firm. James's family could not be hurt for his sake, and there was no way in hell that he was going to kill his own daughter just to suit his parents wants.

"I never want to see you again, Black. You're despicable," James snarled and walked away from his ex-boyfriend. Sirius sat still, watching his life walk out of the room.

A.N. was that okay? I don't know. I got the idea from _Moulin Rouge_. You know the "hurt him to save him" bit. I don't know. I thought some spice might be nice. Lol. Anyways, please review and thank you!


	18. chapter 18

Chapter 18

James stormed into the Gryffindor common room with Anastasia in his arms, feeling hurt, betrayed, and confused. Remus and Lily were sitting where Sirius had left them, but James didn't even notice them, he was so wrapped up in his own thoughts.

What could have possessed him to say such hurtful things? It wasn't like Sirius to deliberately hurt a person, even though he did accidentally at times. But….Sirius had seemed so happy with James and his daughter. What could have possibly changed that?

Remus looked over at James and saw that he was deeply troubled by something. Glancing at Lily briefly before getting up and walking over to James and the baby. At first James didn't even seem to acknowledge his presence, but Remus softly touched him on the shoulder to gain his attention. James jumped and turned his gaze upon his friend, who had a confused, yet sympathetic, look on his face.

"What's wrong, James?" he asked softly. James shook his head and numbly sank into one of the chairs near the fireplace.

Shaking his head slightly, he murmured, "Sirius just…I don't know. Everything happened so fast. He started yelling and then I guess I yelled in response, and then he said some really mean things. And…I don't know."

Remus looked at James carefully and could see that he was in deep pain. Why would Sirius betray James like that? What had happened in their room? "Um," Remus began hesitantly. He didn't want things to be blown out of proportion. "Did something happen recently that would explain his behavior?"

James shrugged. "What does it matter? I don't ever want to see him again."

"Why do you have Anastasia," Lily asked, walking over and stopping by Remus who sat down in a chair next to James's.

James laughed bitterly. Lily took an involuntary step backwards. It was scary. James seemed on the verge of either bursting into tears or going mad. "He doesn't want her. He said she was worthless and that he was going to drown her."

Lily gasped and Remus looked more confused. "That's impossible," he said softly. He had seen the love and admiration in his Sirius's eyes when he looked at or talked about his daughter. There was just no way he could suddenly be calling her worthless and…talking about killing her? It was stupid, pure madness.

Again James laughed a sardonic, bitter laugh. Lily looked on the verge of tears for her two friends. She was amazed that something like that could happen to them. What had gotten into Sirius's head?

"I think you should try talking things out with him," Remus said softly. "There is a pretty good chance that all of this is just a big misunderstanding.

James shook his head and stood up. "I don't want to talk to him anymore. You can, but I refuse to." With those words said, James walked up to his old dormitory.

"That does not sound like Sirius. Considering we just saw him like 30 minutes ago and he was thrilled about his life, especially James and Anastasia," Lily said softly.

Remus nodded. "We should go talk to Sirius and see why he suddenly…blew up at James, I guess."

Lily smiled and they walked hand in hand out of the Gryffindor common room to go find their other dark haired friend.

Sirius lay on his bed, tears streaming down his face. Why had he done that? He knew why, but he couldn't get it out of his head that he had done the wrong thing. _"At least James and Anastasia will be safe from my psycho parents,"_ he thought grimly. He rolled over onto his back angrily.

He shouldn't have to worry about things like that. He shouldn't have to be terrified that his best friend would be hurt from his parents. He shouldn't have to worry about his newborn child's life. Hell, he shouldn't even have a baby at his age! Sirius sighed and tried to stop the tears streaming down his face. It was no use though. He had broken James's heart and with it had thrown away the most important thing in his life.

Right when he was going to go pack to leave, as he thought his life was so miserable he might as well leave, the door opened. In waltzed Remus and Lily. Remus looked at him with concern in his eyes while Lily looked somewhere between angry and confused.

They stared at each other in silence for a few moments and then Remus said, "What are you doing?"

Sirius was holding some things in his hands that he was packing. Instead he sighed, and collapsed back onto his bed, the tears starting to fall once again. "I'm packing to leave," he cried, trying to stop his tears again with just as much failure.

"Why?" Lily asked, looking surprised now as well. She had never seen Sirius cry and now she wished that she never had.

"Why should I stay?" he retorted and stood up again to begin packing. Remus, however, walked forward and intercepted him.

"What happened between you and James? What could possibly drive you to say such hurtful things to the person that I thought you loved?"

Sirius flinched slightly at his friend's words but didn't say anything, but moved around him instead and started throwing things into his trunk.

Lily rolled her eyes and grabbed his arm forcefully, pulling him away from the things he was packing and dragged him over to his bed. As soon as she got Sirius to sit down, he stood up again, determined to ignore them and to continue his packing. Lily sighed in exasperation and set him back down, this time sitting on his lap to make certain that he wouldn't get up. Sirius struggled against her to get up, but in vain.

"Alright!" he exclaimed after a couple of minutes of struggling with her. Remus was watching the scene in amusement.

"Should I be worried about this?" Remus asked as Lily got up. She turned red and Sirius grinned evilly.

"No, I don't think so," replied Sirius. "I think I'm still as gay as I was yesterday." At those words, though, he sobered up rather quickly.

"What happened?" Remus asked softly, sitting down next to his friend. Sirius felt the tears swell up again, and he quickly wiped them away angrily.

"What happened was I got tired of him acting like a mother hen," he replied.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked sitting down on Sirius's other side.

However, Sirius burst into tears and Lily immediately began comforting him. Remus wasn't sure what to do. He seldom saw his friend so emotional and was uncertain as to how to act. So instead, he contented himself by looking around Sirius's room. Then he saw the letter from Sirius's parents. He picked it up and quickly read it. Suddenly everything made a lot more sense.

"Sirius," he asked softly, touching his friend gently on the shoulder. "Does your sudden outburst have anything to do with this letter?"

Sirius glanced at it quickly and then turned away. "Why would you think that?"

Lily took it from Remus and read over it as well. As she read it, Remus continued pressing Sirius, "I think you purposely hurt James so that he wouldn't have to deal with your family."

"Why would that bother me?" lied Sirius through his teeth.

"Because they threatened you," Lily joined in.

Sirius seemed at a loss for words. It was amazing how easily they had seen through him, although he didn't like it much. After a minute of pondering what to do, Sirius answered, "You won't tell James, will you?"

Remus looked at Sirius surprised. "You're willing to just let this be blown out of proportion? You're willing to just let your best friend leave you? You're willing to have your daughter brought up by someone other than yourself? You're-"

"I'M GIVING UP MY LIFE!" yelled Sirius. He stood up angrily. "James and Anastasia are my life, and I'm willing to give that up to protect them. Didn't you read the letter? My parents _don't_ make idle threats, it's just not something they do!"

"I'm sure that the Potters' are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves," reasoned Lily, trying to calm him down. Sirius would have none of it though.

"They shouldn't have to though. Why should they have to be more careful of their day to day lives because of me? I don't want to stay with James and keep my daughter only to have something bad happen to them because of me."

Remus rolled his eyes and pulled Sirius back down next to him and Lily. "What do you really think you're doing to James right now? And what about your daughter? I'm sure she'd much rather be with you."

"Well, if she never knows me then there's no problem," responded Sirius, shaking his head. He didn't want to listen to his friends. There was nothing they could say that would make him change his mind about what he had done. Even though he knew that they were right. The voice in his head was telling him even more strongly that he was going about the entire situation the wrong way.

"Sirius," Lily said, turning his chin so that he was facing her. "You are tearing James to pieces. He is so badly hurt that he can't see straight."

Sirius looked at Lily as if she had just said the world was ending. "I…I hurt James that badly?"

Lily nodded and Sirius looked down at his lap. He had known that he had hurt James, but he had been hoping that it wasn't that bad. However, Lily's words made him see that he had only hurt James. Either way, his best friend would have been hurt, but…that Sirius had willingly caused his best friend that pain…Sirius wasn't sure what to do.

"Go talk to him," urged Remus. Lily nodded and watched him with sympathy shining through her eyes.

"I-I can't," he stammered in response. "I'll make things worse. He won't want to talk to me. I wouldn't want to talk to me if I were him."

Remus sighed. He stood up and pulled Sirius up roughly by his arms. "GO TALK TO HIM!" he yelled, finally losing his patience. "THIS IDEA WAS POSSIBLY ONE OF THE STUPIDEST IDEAS YOU'VE EVER HAD, EVEN IF IT WAS WITH GOOD INTENTIONS IN MIND! SO NOWGET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE ANDGOSET THINGS RIGHT WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND! NOW!"

Sirius looked at Remus in surprise and a little bit of amusement and walked out of the room without a second thought. After Sirius had gone, Remus looked at Lily who was shocked.

Remus shrugged, "Well, it worked."

A.N. a quick reconciliation, I think. Please review. Thanks!


	19. chapter 19

Chapter 19

James sat on his old bed feeling sorry for himself with Anastasia in his arms. He wondered if Remus and Lily had actually gone to Sirius to talk to him. Personally he would like to know what had made his friend blow up like that. The pain, shock, and betrayal was diminishing and in its place was bewilderment.

James began rethinking the past events. What had happened that day that might have made him angry? First they had gotten up (James had kissed him on the nose like he always did) and had gone down to breakfast with the baby. After that they went to the Gryffindor common room to study a bit with Remus and Peter, but they had all basically spent the entire time making out (Peter with his girlfriend and Remus with Lily). Then, around noon, they had left Anastasia with Lily and Remus and had walked outside to the quiditch pitch, James to practice and Sirius to watch. The Slytherins had come and thrown some curses, but none that were strong enough to really piss Sirius off (although tickling was really painful to Sirius). Then he had picked up his things from the changing room and had gone off to find Sirius in their room. He had entered the room and found Sirius reading a letter. James had taken the letter and read it. It said-

James stood up in shock, waking the baby up and making her cry. Immediately James began to calm her down, singing a lullaby under his breath that Sirius had taught him. After she fell asleep again, James set her down carefully and began pacing around the room. The letter! In his anger he had completely forgotten the letter, even though that was what had started the use of Sirius's hateful words.

James sighed. Of course Sirius wouldn't say any of that, at least, not unless he thought that it would help anyone who he desperately loved. Of course Sirius would take the threats from his family seriously. And drowning his own daughter, and calling her useless? That couldn't have possibly be his own feelings, considering he loved her so much. James groaned in frustration. Why did anger make him so blind to the obvious things?

Behind him, the door creaked open slowly, breaking James out of his reasoning. Cursing whoever it was silently for intruding on his thoughts, he turned around and saw Sirius. He was standing there, looking downtrodden and afraid of James's reaction. For a moment, they just stared at each other.

Breathing in deeply, James gathered himself and ran towards his boyfriend and threw his arms around him tightly. Sirius didn't respond for a moment, but then sank into his lover's embrace gratefully.

"I'm so sorry James," he said into his shoulder. James could feel his shoulders shaking as he sobbed.

"No, it's alright Sirius," he murmured into his hair, gently playing with his long dark locks. "I'm sorry. I didn't understand why until recently. It's partly my fault, but I guess anger makes me blind to the blatantly obvious things. You don't need to apologize for something you thought was best."

"But it wasn't," a teary eyed Sirius responded, backing off slightly. James could now see his face, with the puffy grey eyes and splotchy cheeks.Sirius was thethe most handsome man he knew. "I should never had said any of that."

"It doesn't matter, as long as you don't mean it," soothed James, trying to calm him down.

"Of course it does," he exclaimed, breaking free of James's embrace. "I didn't know I was even capable of saying things like that! Yet, they flowed so freely from my mouth that it was like I had been saying them my entire life."

James shook his head and watched as his boyfriend walked around their old room. He walked over to his daughter and gently picked her up, rocking her against his chest. "I can't believe I'd even considering calling you worthless," he said to his daughter, who didn't awaken when he picked her up. "Even if I thought at the time that it was in your best interests."

Sighing, he carefully lay her back down and stood up nervously. He didn't seem ready to accept James's forgiveness, although James wasn't sure why not. Silence filled the room, threatening to suffocate both inhabitants. Finally unable to tolerate it, James asked, "Did Remus and Lily talk to you?"

Sirius nodded slightly and continued pacing, causing James to frown. What was wrong now? There seemed to be a shadow cast over Sirius's heart and it wasn't ready to leave. James could tell that he was mumbling under his breath at himself, some words James could hear, and most of them were insults directed at himself or curse words to describe the situation.

Eventually he stopped pacing and then spun around to face him. "What happened?" he asked, seeming to be utterly confused by everything that occurred.

James looked at him curiously. "What?"

Sirius sighed and elaborated, "What went through my mind that thought that it would be better if I hurt you rather than my family? That would make me as bad as them, something I had tried to avoid for as long as I can remember."James shook his head and once again gave Sirius an embrace. Kissing him on the head, he surmised, "You were thinking of my protection, and the protection of my family. You wanted the keep the most important things in your life safe, even if it meant hurting them a bit to do it."

Sirius nodded against his boyfriend's chest. "So I'm forgiven?" he inquired looking into James's eyes. He smiled in return and nodded, kissing him on the forehead again.

"We should go back to our room, aye?" said James, leading Sirius over to the bed to pick up his daughter.

Sirius nodded in response and picked up his baby girl. After James had wrapped his arms around Sirius's waist, they exited their dorm room and walked down the stairs. When they got down there, they found Lily and Remus making out on the couch. The looked up briefly as they walked down the stairs and smiled at their two reconciled friends. Sirius smiled at them and waved, conveying his thanks completely in his eyes. Both Remus and Lily understood and nodded in acknowledgement before continuing their make out session.

Once they were back in their room, Sirius lay down Anastasia in her crib and then went to lay down on their bed. James watched him and then went to lay down next to him. Sirius snuggled up next to his boyfriend (who was lying on his side) and allowed him to wrap his arms around his torso. Resting his head on James's chest, Sirius muttered after a minute, "What am I going to do during the summer? I still don't want to endanger your family."

James shook his head as he played with Sirius's hair. "My parents are capable of taking care of themselves. And, worse come to worse, we'll just move to America."

At those words, Sirius jerked up and looked at James in shock. James chuckled slightly and pulled the boy back down into his arms. "I'm just joking," he said softly, pulling him tightly against him. Sirius nodded slightly and allowed himself to relax. Before long, he was falling asleep. Ever since he became pregnant, he had always been exhausted, first from actually being pregnant and then from being woken up at midnight by his darling daughter.

Once he realized that Sirius was asleep, James got up, mindful not to wake his lover up, and walked over to the sleeping baby. Glancing back and forth between the two, James felt that all he would ever need was right there, asleep, in the room.

A.N. um…did they get back together too quickly? I don't know. Oh well. Anyways, please review. Thank you to my readers. The next chapter will be nice and fluffy. OH! And I want to know your opinion: is it too soon (for Sirius) for them to be having sex? I don't know, as I've never been raped. Please, an opinion on that.


	20. chapter 20

Chapter 20

It was a few weeks after the fight (if one could call it that) and the entire school was preparing to go home for the holidays with only one week of school left. It had turned out that Mr. Black had been charged with rape, abuse, and basically making a prostitute of his son and was sent to Azkaban for it. As such, Sirius would go to the Potters' house during the summer and after that James and Sirius would find a place to live on their own, although James's parents weren't overly thrilled about it. It wasn't that they didn't accept their relationship, they just didn't think that it was proper to live in the same house until they were married.

Sirius was just waking up when he felt a kiss on his nose. He smiled and sat up. James was sitting there looking guiltily innocent. Confused, Sirius looked at him and then asked, "What did you do?"

Somewhat surprised, James replied, "Happy birthday, Sirius!"

Sirius blinked and turned his head to look at a calendar on the wall. Sure enough, it said June 11. "Wow," he said, dumbstruck. "It is my birthday."

Rolling his eyes, James answered, "You forgot it was your birthday? Who does that?"

Grinning, Sirius pushed back the covers of the bed and stood up, stretching like a cat and then sat back down. "I do apparently."

"Lo que sea," he said, kissing Sirius on the neck. He pulled away and turned to look at his boyfriend, confusion in his eyes.

"Lo que sea?" he asked, waiting for a translation.

"It means 'whatever' in Spanish," he responded and kissed him on the cheek this time.

"Oh." Sirius looked at James as if he'd gone crazy. "Where'd you learn Spanish?"

James shrugged as he continued kissing Sirius's beautiful body. He was now on his bare chest, as Sirius didn't believe in wearing pajamas to bed. Tenderly pushing him back onto the bed, he began running his fingers up and down, gently tickling his lover. Sirius squirmed at that but didn't protest. He was starting to become increasingly more uncomfortable as memories began resurfacing, but he did his best to squelch those and tried to enjoy James's loving caresses.

However, it soon became too much for Sirius to tolerate. He kept on seeing Jacob as he raped him, beat him, yelled at him, hurt him. Without thinking of the consequences, Sirius pushed James off of him and quickly sat up. James looked at him funny and then understood.

"I'm so sorry, Siri," he muttered, looking at him apologetically.

Sirius simply shook his head. "No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I can't give you what you want yet and I feel miserable about it."

James shook his head and gently leant in to kiss him on the lips. Sirius leaned into the kiss. Kissing was alright, it was the caressing and the traveling fingers that triggered the memories. James broke the kiss and said softly, "The only thing I really want is for you and Anastasia to be happy."

Sirius smiled at that comment and leaned in for another kiss. Once that one was broken, he stated, "As long as I'm with you, I'll be happy, and as long as I'm happy, Anastasia will be happy."

James laughed at that statement. "Somehow," he chuckled, "I have the vague idea that it will take a little bit more than that to make her happy."

Sirius laughed as well and allowed James to kiss him again. James broke the kiss again and went to sit next to his lover. He was so cute, just sitting there with his long black hair falling across his face with elegance, yet casualty. His eyes seemed so warm and loving, that it was amazing that anyone could even considering hurting him. And his lips were so full, so tempting and inviting.

James shook his head in wonder at the living being next to him. It was amazing to him that anyone could have hurt the wonderful being next to him. He was so warm and full of life.

"What are you thinking about?" Sirius asked, watching him in his turn. Although he loved it when James watched him, it made him slightly uneasy and caused him to squirm a bit.

"I was just thinking about what a wonderful person you are and how lucky I got to find someone like you," replied James. Then he smiled. "What are you thinking about?"

Sirius grinned, signaling to James that the question would be anything but serious. "Well, if today was Monday and it was tomorrow, would tomorrow be Wednesday?"

James blinked in confusion. What the hell was he talking about? If today was Monday then tomorrow would be Tuesday. Right? "No," he answered, trying to find the trick involved. "Wouldn't it be Tuesday?"

Sirius laughed and shook his head. Grabbing a notepad from the bedside table, he wrote it down. James took it from him and read it. "If today was Monday and it was tomorrow…but then, if it was tomorrow…" he mumbled under his breath while Sirius watched him. Suddenly something clicked and James exclaimed, "OH!"

"Get it?" inquired Sirius, holding back his laughter.

"Yeah, because it would be tomorrow, which would be Tuesday and then tomorrow would be Wednesday!" explained James, excited that he had figured it out.

Sirius's eyebrows drew together in confusion and he shook his head slightly. "James," he teased, "next time, don't try to explain it. I understood it a lot better when there was no verbal explanation."

James laughed and nodded ashe got up to go to his daughter. She was still sleeping, which was amazing after all the noise that they had just made. "She's so beautiful," he muttered, gently stroking her face with his finger.

Sirius, still sitting up in bed, nodded and smiled. He was so glad that James loved his daughter. In fact, James had insisted that anything that came from him was something to be cherished, not scorned.

"We're going to do something special for you birthday," James said randomly, spinning around and looking at his boyfriend with a wide smile on his face.

Raising his eyebrows, Sirius asked, "Oh, and how do you intend to plan something special when we have absolutely no time to do much of anything?"

"How do you figure?" asked James, looking shocked that they might actually have an already full agenda.

Sirius rolled his eyes and got out of the bed. "I don't know, maybe we should pack a little bit, because you know it's going to take a lot longer to pack then just one night."

James walked over to Sirius and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him close to his body. Kissing him gently on the nose, James whispered, "We can do that some other time. Today is your day."

Sirius blushed slightly and then nodded. "Well," he said, pulling away from James, "I suggest we get dressed before we do anything." With that, Sirius walked into the bathroom to change, leaving James staring after him. Behind him, he heard Anastasia coo as she woke up.

"Beats me," he replied, "How should I know when he started making sense?"

A.N. crappy ending. Oh well. Anyways, the next chapter will be celebrating Sirius's birthday. YEAH!!! Lol. Anyways, please continue reviewing, I really appreciate it. Honestly. Thank you to all of you who review.


	21. chapter 21

Chapter 21

Shivering slightly in the coolness of a random corridor, Sirius followed James in pure darkness. He had been blindfolded upon coming out of the bathroom, and had been led away without a second thought. Several times he had attempted to remove it, but each time James had playfully swatted his hand away.

"You know, James, I would be a lot more comfortable with this if I knew where we were going. Not to mention if I knew where Anastasia was. And I would have appreciated food before being dragged out of my comforting surroundings," chided Sirius to his silent boyfriend. Every now and then he would hear a small chuckle, but never any more than that. "I don't know why I even bother," he muttered under his breath and allowed himself to be dragged along…well, wherever he was.

What in the world could James be planning? Why did he need to be blindfolded? There seemed to be no point, except it was freaking the hell out of Sirius, considering he wasn't a big fan of the darkness or blindfolds or any other type of restraint.

"Aha!" exclaimed James, coming to an abrupt halt. Gentle hands came to the back of the blindfold and pulled it off. Sirius looked around him and smiled. It was the place that they had first become friends, somewhere down near where the Slytherin common room was. Walking off as if to see what was around him, he remembered what had occurred that day. By all means it wasn't necessarily pleasant, but…not all happy endings had a happy beginning.

At the beginning, James Potter had not trusted Sirius Black in the slightest bit. It had taken a lot to prove that Sirius wasn't evil. In the end, it was his cousin who helped James see the light towards the young Black boy. He had been in a deep argument about why muggle born children weren't evil. Bellatrix had lost her patience with Sirius and had cursed him with a pretty nasty spell. It had caused Sirius to fly backwards and hit the wall with such force that he lost consciousness. When had awoken, James had been leaning over him, a look of concern, confusion, and doubt.

Sirius remembered how James had seemed to accept him after that confrontation, and then he had been introduced to Remus and Peter. They had, of course, become friends, and things and spiraled off from there. But ever since James started trusting him, Sirius couldn't help but think that his cousin had finally done something that was in his best benefit.

"What do you think?" James asked from behind him. Sirius spun around to face him, a smile still on his face. He loved being there, despite the actual dreariness of it.

"I think it's awesome. The first place you actually showed that you trusted me…kinda."

James smiled slightly too and came over to Sirius, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "I thought you'd appreciate it."

"Well," pondered Sirius, "considering it was the place where my life actually started looking good, I'd say this is possibly one of the best places in this school."

Giving a pretend pout, James pulled out the blindfold again and prepared to put it over Sirius's eyes again. Pulling back slightly, Sirius asked, "Wait, before you do that again, where is Anastasia?"

James sighed in frustration and then droned tonelessly, "She's with Lily and Remus again. They said they were going to give her a lecture in culture, whatever that is."

Oh. Culture? Inwardly, Sirius laughed. That was definitely something that his daughter would not gain solely from him and James. In fact, she probably wouldn't get any at all from her parents. It was times like that when Sirius could see why Lily and Remus went together so well. It was like they were meant to be. If only he believed in that kind of stuff.

With the blindfold reapplied and tied tightly, James led Sirius up some stairs, to the right somewhere, and then to the left. After doing what seemed like a big circle, they went up more stairs, to the right and then a u-turn to the left, only to go up more stairs. Then, to Sirius's surprise, they went left and went down another staircases. _"How many bloody staircases are there in this school?"_ Sirius wondered as he was pulled after his crazy boyfriend.

After going up one more staircase, making Sirius quite winded, James stopped and pulled off the blindfold. They were in one of Hogwarts' many towers. Sirius looked out the window and turned back to James. "Okay, I lied," he said. "The other spot has absolutely nothing on this one."

James smiled and sat down on the bench. "I thought so." Sirius looked at him and just walked around in circles, letting the memories wash over him.

In his fourth year, Sirius had been incredibly depressed. His parents had all but disowned him, his brother was starting school, his grades were slipping, he was having love problems, his family kept on interfering with his life…it was just all fucked up. One night, after having enough, Sirius had decided that there was only one way out. Death. So he crept out of the dormitory and walked to the tower, prepared to kill himself. Before he had jumped, James came up from behind him and stopped him. Although that would seem like a depressing memory, it was just one way to show Sirius how much he was loved. That was the night that Sirius had realized how much his friends cared for him. It was also the night that James became introduced to the dog star.

Sirius turned to James who was intently watching him. Blushing slightly, Sirius walked over to sit next to James, who willingly scoot over to make room for him. "Why are you doing this?" Sirius asked quietly.

James shook his head at the question. "Because," answered James. "A chance to remember the good times we've had. Plus," he added, pulling something out of his pocket, "this seems like a good chance to give you one of your gifts."

Sirius looked at James curiously as he pulled something out of his pockets. It was small, square shaped, and hard. Considering he had absolutely no idea it was, he opened it carefully. When he got it opened, he found some muggle item that was round and had the name 'Switchfoot' on it and then 'Learning to Breathe' underneath it.

"It's a cd," explained James. "It makes music when you put it into a cd player. Considering it won't work here anyways, I figured you might enjoy it at my house, considering we have one. And I know it might not be your type of music, but I liked it. It's Christian music type stuff."

Sirius nodded and put it in his pocket after giving James a quick kiss on the cheek. "Where to next, Master Prongs?"

James laughed and pulled his lover to his feet. "What, no objections this time?"

Laughing in response, Sirius answered as James put the blindfold on, "Well, I figured if you wanted me to die, you would have found some way to inconspicuously push me down one of those thousands of staircases you dragged me up."

"Sorry," came James's response and he pulled Sirius out of the tower. "You're going to get to go down all of them now if it's any consolation."

"Well, not much of one, but what can I do? Probably lying anyways," he grumbled under his breath in response.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that," chuckled James and had to dodge a punch that was thrown rather wildly.

James indeed had not been lying. The trip to wherever they were going was all down, which made Sirius somewhat nervous, as he was not a big fan of stairs in the first place because he was usually really clumsy, despite his self-image. He heard a door opening and then felt a warm breeze as James led him outside.

_"What could possibly have happened out here that was some big event?" _wondered Sirius as he followed James. Pressing his brain for some memory that didn't seem to want to become known, he didn't notice where else they were heading until James stopped shortly. This time, though, he didn't take the blindfold off.

"James," Sirius said. When he heard no answer and felt no one near him, he began to panic slightly. "James, where are you?"

"Sorry, Siri," his voice came from behind him, as James came up again. "I dropped something because…well, I'm just like that." He laughed slightly, but still did not remove the blindfold. "I want you to guess where you are," he whispered in Sirius's ear.

At those words, Sirius wracked his memory even harder. What could possibly have happened outside that was worth remembering? Animagus. The word vibrated through Sirius's mind and he shook his head at his own stupidity. Of course! What else could it possibly be? The first time he had been able to transform into his dog form, also known as Padfoot, was outside, while he was waiting for Remus to finish studying. That would mean that they would have to be near the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

"James, we're at the edge of the Forbidden Forest," he said, and felt relief as James's fingers began to undo the knot in the blindfold.

"Very good, although that took longer than I thought it would," he teased slightly and ended up having to dodge a sissy slap from Sirius. He sat down and pulled Sirius down with him onto his lap. Sirius squirmed slightly, but managed to get himself comfortable.

"Thank you," he said softly after a moment of staring around in peaceful bliss.

James smiled slightly. "It's the least I could do for the only person who I could give my entire love, faith, and trust to." Then he began rummaging in his robes for his next gift for Sirius. He pulled out a small wrapped gift and handed it to Sirius.

He took it eagerly and shook it gently. Then he decided that it was safe to simply rip through the paper. When he got through the wrapping, he saw a box and he opened it carefully. Inside was a necklace with a pendant of a dog on it. Sirius looked at the dog carefully and then saw some engraving.

_Thank you so much, Padfoot, for making my life complete. _

As his eyes filled with tears of pure joy, Sirius turned and gave James a tight hug. "I don't deserve you," he whispered as the tears streamed down his cheek.

"Of course you do. You are such an amazing person, and you actually deserve more than this. However," he said in a light voice, "I am on a budget this year, so I'll have to get back to you on some of the things that I really wanted to do for you."

Sirius shook his head and kissed James on the lips, passionately. When they broke apart for oxygen, Sirius whispered, "I don't want anything else. I've got all I've ever wanted right now."

A.N. how sweet and sappy. In my opinion at least. Anyways, home for the holidays is the next chapter. Thank you again for reviewing. It really makes my day to hear your comments. Thank you and please continue reviewing.


	22. chapter 22

Chapter 22

The ride home from Hogwarts was really short, in Sirius's opinion. He didn't want to risk running into his parents, although the chances were slim, considering he had basically been forgotten about the past few years. So when he got off of the train with James at his side and Anastasia in his arms, he was half afraid that they would swoop down on him and order him to kill his child and forbid him to see James ever again (although they had done that several times before).

"Are they here?" James asked as he looked around the platform. His parents had sent a driver for them, but he was just as afraid as Sirius was that the Black family would show up. However, neither of them saw Sirius's family, so they gathered up their belongings and dragged them out to where the driver was waiting with the car.

When the driver saw them his eyes widened. He had not been expecting a baby to be in one of the boys' arms. He blinked, but quickly hid his surprise as he helped them load their trunks. James smiled his thanks but Sirius just completely ignored him. He was getting tired of all of the stairs. Yeah, he was a teenage boy, yeah, he had a baby daughter. What was the big deal?

James and Sirius got into the back of the car and settled in. Anastasia stirred and then woke up. Loud cries immediately filled the back of the car. The driver jumped in mild shock, and then seemed to block out the noise by humming a song. James immediately began to fumble around for a bottle while Sirius began to sing her favorite song in hopes of sedating her. However, she was hungry, so she only stopped once the bottle was held up to her lips and she was drinking in contentment. She drank until she was full and when she was done Sirius burped her.

"Thanks, James," Sirius said once she fell back asleep. "I really don't know what I'd do without you."

"Well," James joked, "you'd have a crying baby in your arms right now instead of a sweet, quiet, sleeping baby."

Sirius laughed and leaned his head on James's shoulder in contentment. He was still worried about what his family might attempt to do, but right then the only thing he wanted to concentrate on was breathing. He was so tired. It seemed like forever since he had gotten the right amount of sleep.

"Are you alright, Siri?" asked James softly. He could sense that he was exhausted beyond caring about much, but…he still had to ask. Something could seriously be wrong with his boyfriend if he was really suffering from this much sleep deprivation. Then again, it could just be everything finally piling up to an unmanageable load of crap.

Sirius nodded and cuddled into James's side when he wrapped his arm around his waist. "I just need sleep," he murmured against his torso. James smiled and clung to his boyfriend tighter, effectively ignoring the driver's interesting looks. He apparently hadn't been expecting two gay boys when he had been told that he had to pick up the Potters' boy and his friend. Next time he would wary when a "friend" was added into the picture.

It took about thirty minutes to arrive at the Potter house. During the drive, Sirius and Anastasia slept while James kept watch over both of them. When they got to the house, he reluctantly woke up Sirius and picked up Anastasia to take into the house. Considering Sirius was uncoordinated when he first wakes up, James politely asked the driver to help with the trunks. He unenthusiastically helped him and left as soon as Mrs. Potter came out and paid for them.

"Hey, mom," James said when he saw her and after the driver had gone. "Why couldn't you come pick us up?"

She shrugged. "I had a meeting at the same time your train was due to arrive, but it was cancelled last minute for no good reason as far as I can tell, and by that time it was apparently too late to pick you up."

James nodded and she hugged him tightly, being mindful of the baby in his arms and then she turned her attention to Sirius, who was swaying on his feet from his fatigue. "How are you doing, dear?" she asked. Sirius just looked at her as if to say, "What the hell do you think?"

She saw the look and didn't say anything else, other than gave him a tight hug and then ushered both boys inside, having a house elf come out and take the luggage inside the house. When they entered the house, she called out, "Honey, the boys are here!"

Mr. Potter came out of the kitchen, mumbling under his breath some type of mathematical equation. "Hello, boys," he said as he walked by them and up the stairs, apparently distracted.

"Well, you must both be starving," Mrs. Potter said after a moment of standing in the hallway staring after her someone disillusioned husband.

Anastasia woke up just then and began to cry. This caused Sirius to break out of his stupor of exhaustion and he immediately went for her. As he reached for her though, the world suddenly went spinning, causing Sirius to grasp for James, who helped steady him with concern on his face. Mrs. Potter went around him to make certain he didn't fall backwards.

Shaking his head slightly to get rid of the dizzy sensation, Sirius bent down again to pick Anastasia up out of her baby holder. As he did, though, the world went black and Sirius fell to the floor in a dead faint.

James watched his boyfriend fall to the ground in horror and immediately went to help him. Mrs. Potter intercepted him though, saying, "You take care of the baby, I'll watch over Sirius." And with that she carefully magicked him onto a stretcher, which she also had conjured up, and directed him up the stairs to his room, leaving James alone to take care of the screaming baby.

James picked his daughter up and began to sing softly to her. It wasn't the same song that Sirius sang to her, but it was also soothing to her. In fact, it was one of the songs that was on the cd that he had given to Sirius just a week before. He only sang the chorus, but it was enough to calm the child down.

Mrs. Potter came back down the stairs as he finished singing. He felt that he wasn't nearly as good as Sirius was in the vocal area, and in truth, he wasn't, but he still had a fairly decent singing voice.

"Well, I didn't know you were brave enough to sing," his mom said as she stopped at the bottom stair. James looked at her with the unasked question in his eyes. She sighed slightly and nodded. "He's just tired. He's been working too hard and not been getting enough rest for it. He'll be fine as soon as he gets some rest. You, however, need to eat before you go check on him. So come on," and she bustled him into the kitchen without leaving any room for debate.

A.N. I want to make the Potter family a bit eccentric, but still family like. I don't know. Anyways, please review. Thanks!


	23. chapter 23

Chapter 23

Sirius woke up in the Potter house feeling refreshed and content with himself and the world, which was amazing to him. As he sat up, he heard a rumble from his stomach and realized how hungry he was. So he sat up and attempted to get up, only to find that he was incredibly weak and could barely stand without falling over.

"Hmm," he said thoughtfully to himself. "The food is downstairs and I'm upstairs no doubt. I can't walk, I can't use magic, and I can't scream loud enough for anyone to hear me. Well, I am in a predicament aren't I?"

He looked around and just sat back down hopelessly. "How can I get out of here without killing myself and without taking so much time that I starve to death?"

The door opened suddenly and in walked James with Anastasia in his arms. "Well, now we're talking to ourselves, aren't we? I'm starting to wonder about your mental health darling."

"Ha-ha, cute," muttered Sirius. "I'm starving and I can't walk because I'm very weak. And if you mock me right now, you die later."

James smiled at the hostility coming from his friend. "Well, fine, I'll go find you a muffin or something. Hold your daughter though and listen to your cd."

"Why do I have to do both at the same time?" questioned Sirius looking at the baby that had just been thrust into his arms while James went and set up the cd player so it would play the cd.

"Because I want you to listen to the cd, and your daughter won't stop crying," retorted James as he left the room, leaving pretty music flowing from the cd player and into the room, soothing the little bundle in his lap and himself.

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James found his mom sitting at the table reading a recipe for dinner. "What do you think about chicken pasta casserole for dinner?" she asked James as he walked by her to find something for Sirius to eat.

James shrugged and pulled out a muffin and a container of orange juice. "It sounds just fine to me. I actually don't care, as long as it doesn't taste like crap."

Mrs. Potter just nodded and turned the page. "Chicken crepes…hmm, how about that?"

Rolling his eyes, James left the room, saying, "Whatever floats your boat mom!" As soon as he was out of her hearing he added, "Or sinks it."

He walked up to the room that Sirius was in, careful not to leave any crumbs, as his mom might see it as a sign from extraterrestrial creatures trying to invade and corrupt their weak, impressionable minds. However when he opened the door, he wished that he could turn around and face the insanity of his parents. Still sitting on his bed with Anastasia in his arms, Sirius was singing a Veggitales song, which was a strictly kids movie in James's opinion.

"'There should be a rule that the song under the credits, remotely pertains to the movies basic plot! That rule has not been made, so for now we'll have to say, 'Hey, hey, hey!'" sang Sirius at the top of his lungs, much to the amusement of the baby in his arms.

James just stood on the threshold shaking his head in amazement. He quickly snapped out of it and walked up to his boyfriend. "I leave you alone for two minutes, and already you've found the most annoying music in the house."

A mock offensive look crossed across Sirius's face, but he couldn't maintain it through his laughter. "I think the music is cool," responded Sirius, sounding somewhat haughty. Anastasia giggled and Sirius nodded. "And Anastasia agrees with me."

"Oh dear, you're corrupting her at such a young age, what are we ever going to do?" wailed James. The last thing he wanted to deal with was two Veggitales crazed people.

Sirius sighed and began eating without even considering what it was. After one large bite, he asked through the mouthful, "How long was I out?"

James thought for a moment. "You were technically only out for about a day, but after that you were delirious. You didn't know who you were or who I was or where you were. My mom said that you basically just had a really high fever, but she watched over you and now it would appear you're right as rain, if not a little bit touched in the head."

"Because I like Veggitales?" asked Sirius as he continued to eat. James just nodded slightly and then turned on the Switchfoot cd.

"Did you listen to it at all?" he asked as he took the baby from Sirius. She was starting to pull on Sirius's hair while he ate, and while he didn't seem to notice or really care, James figured it would be best to just avoid disaster by stopping it before it could even think to occur.

"Of course I did, but then I saw the thing with the vegetables on the cover with hair and I got distracted and listened to that and Ana liked it so…hey, there you go."

James rolled his eyes and went to number two, which was 'Learning to Breathe'. When the music started Sirius became suddenly still. He seemed to be concentrating on the lyrics. When it got to the chorus, Sirius began to sing along with it.

"I'm learning to breathe, I'm learning to crawl, I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall, I'm living again; awake and alive, I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies," he sang softly, tears forming in his eyes. He put a lot of himself into the words, James noticed and looked confused for a moment.

Sirius noticed that and smiled slightly. "My mom used to sing that," he said softly. "Never to me, but I'd hear her singing it to Regulus when he was a baby. I guess the song stayed with me."

James nodded slowly, and felt sorry for his friend. His parents were so evil and would continue to haunt him until his death. And even then, they might end up plaguing him.

Sirius, however, didn't notice James's sudden silence and continued on humming the song as if nothing had happened. "I'm learning to breathe," he sang under his breath as he continued to eat.

As the cd got to the fourth song, Sirius was impressed. "This song is so cool!" he exclaimed. "What's it called?"

James checked the back of the cd case. "It's called 'Love is a Movement'."

Sirius nodded and said, "How true."

A.N. really, that was a pointless chapter, just gets Sirius awake again and alive. Lol. Anyways, I don't kill the best characters off, no worries there. Sorry this one is so short. Please review and thanks to those who are.


	24. chapter 24

Chapter 24

"Yes you are, you are a little cutie poo," Mrs. Potter said as she played with Ana's feet. She was entranced by the four month old baby, who seemed to want nothing more than to be left alone.

"Cutie poo?" Sirius asked as he set the table for dinner, which was stuffed mushrooms and barley soup. Not incredibly appetizing to Sirius, but he had to try to please Mrs. Potter, simply because he couldn't bear to disappoint her.

"Yes, she is a cutie poo," retorted Mrs. Potter as she resumed playing with the baby's feet. Sirius didn't say anything as he set his own place, next to James's.

After a month of being with the Potters', Sirius was amazed at how…how different from his family they were. Sure, he had stayed there before, but he'd never been there for longer than a week at a time. During those visits they had all been on their best behavior, and now they were…well, they acted like they would have had he not been there. He guessed that everyone put on a show in front of strangers, just so they didn't look like crazy loons.

"You know what," Sirius said randomly, as he put the last piece of silverware, "I think we should teach her the right way to exercise."

Mrs. Potter looked at him curiously. That was a crazy idea, even by her standards. Which made it all the more enjoyable. However, she was only four months old…oh well. "Sirius, is there some reason we need to exercise?" she asked, looking at his once again slender body and her own trim build.

Sirius shrugged. "Well, I s'pose not. Um…" He thought for a minute as he sat down next to Mrs. Potter, with his daughter in front of him. A grin started crossing his face as he got an idea. "We could teach her pointless songs from Veggitales!"

Mrs. Potter smiled at that thought. She loved that movie, although she was forty years old. "I think that's a brilliant idea!" she exclaimed. "Which one do you want to teach her."

Sirius thought again and then stood up sharply in order to pace. "'The Pirates who Don't do Anything'!" he stated with enthusiasm. Mrs. Potter also nodded and counted them off.

Immediately their two voices filled the room, Sirius's sounding purposely bad and Mrs. Potter's simply off key. They sang the chorus and then Mrs. Potter took over the first verse as Sirius exclaimed, "Take it Mrs. Potter." He sat back down and gestured to her to continue singing.

She sang joyfully, as she played with Ana, who was sitting on her lap. As it got back to the chorus, Sirius rejoined her and they sang it as well. Then the second verse came up and Sirius began to sing this time, joy flashing across his face and resounding in his voice. Once again the chorus came up and Mrs. Potter joined him again.

The final verse was done by Sirius, as he was the only one who really knew what the words were. He stood up and even acted it out…kinda. Mrs. Potter and Ana watched in amusement, Mrs. Potter tapping her foot in type with the song and Ana clapping her small hands gleefully. Sirius simply danced around the room, enjoying every moment of the his life.

Once he had finished the song part he stopped singing and looked at Mrs. Potter. "Should we do the skit part?"

She nodded eagerly and began, acting out Pa Grape, a wide grin flashing across her face. Sirius matched her smile and acted out Larry the Cucumber and Mr. Lunt.

During the skit, James had come down the stairs and on their finishing note, entered the room applauding slowly. "That had to be," he started as he approached them, "the scariest thing I have ever witnessed in my life."

"Ah," Sirius said, a mock pout coming onto his face. "You don't love me anymore?"

James shook his head. "No, I love you to death, I just...Veggitales?"

Both Sirius and Mrs. Potter laughed and Anastasia cooed, showing her delight in her sparkling eyes. "Well, at least she appreciated it," Mrs. Potter said as she knelt by the baby again and started playing with her feet again.

"What was that all about anyways?" James asked as he sat down next to his lover. Sirius smiled and shook his head slightly.

"It's a secret," he whispered in James's ear and then giggled. James rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around Sirius's waist.

Mr. Potter randomly came down the stairs and wandered around as if he were lost. James watched him as he turned the corner to go into the house library and then looked back at Sirius, who looked amused by Mr. Potter's lost state.

"Oh dear," muttered Mrs. Potter as she stood up to go get her husband. "I'd better go make sure he doesn't get locked into another room." And with that she left Sirius and James alone.

"Finally," James muttered and kissed Sirius passionately on the lips, putting his hands behind his head to push him into the kiss. Sirius willingly complied, and they stayed that way until Mr. and Mrs. Potter came back declaring that dinner was ready.

A.N.- I love Veggitales, so if anyone has a problem with that then…well, just skip those parts. Lol. Um, next chapter will be up soon. Teehee, please review and thank you!


	25. chapter 25

Chapter 25

"What do you want to do?" asked Sirius as he lay on his bed. Anastasia was with Mrs. Potter.

"I don't know what do you want to do?" responded James, who was sitting on the floor leaning on Sirius's bed.

"I don't know, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know what do you-you know, that isn't a good idea. If we start we'll never stop."

Sirius sat up and smiled impishly. "I know, I was just trying to find something to do."

James rolled his eyes and stood up. "We could always give Remus or Peter a call and beg them to come amuse us."

Sirius thought about that option for a moment, and then shook his head. "Peter said he wouldn't be able to for a month, which it hasn't been, and it's the full moon tonight."

James sighed in frustration. "Well, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know, what do you want to do?" chuckled Sirius. James rolled his eyes again.

"Don't even start," he growled and stood up to pace around, trying to find something fascinating to do. "We could…" he trailed off as one idea faded from his mind.

"I say we…" Sirius started, but then gave up. There was nothing they really could do. Sirius, a few days ago, had caught a cold and wasn't up to doing anything strenuous or remotely active for that matter.

"Let's go teach Anastasia how to read," said James, beginning to walk to the door.

"Bad idea," the teenager on the bed called over to him.

"Why?"

"She's only five months old, that's why," he retorted. At those words, James spun on his heel and walked back to Sirius. Gently pushing him over, he sat down next to him and played with his hair.

Sirius snuggled into James, although he was laying down while James was still sitting up. Taking the hint, James lay down and wrapped around Sirius's slender body. "We could just sit up here all day," muttered Sirius sleepily.

"How can you sound so tired?" an incredulous James asked his boyfriend. "You slept in until noon."

"Is it really noon?" a surprised Sirius asked, looking at his watch. It said 1:03.

"Not anymore," replied James, also looking at the watch. Then he kissed Sirius on the mouth, not a long kiss, but still a meaningful one. "You know, I like your idea of just sitting here all day."

Sirius smiled as he snuggled up against James's chest. "I thought you would," he purred. James kissed him on the forehead and gently stroked his friend's back. Eventually Sirius was lulled back to sleep by the beating of James's heart and his gentle fingers.

The door opened and James looked up to see his mother in the doorway, Anastasia in her arms. "I see I'm interrupting something," she said quietly, sounding sorry and turned to leave.

James shook his head slightly. "Nah, he just fell asleep." James gently stroked his boyfriend's hair, and then said, "He's been so tired lately and I don't know why."

Mrs. Potter came in and lay Anastasia down in her bed. She walked over to the bed and lay her hand on Sirius's forehead, checking to see if he had a fever. Shaking her head, she stated, "He's just got a cold, no temperature. Colds tend to make a person exhausted."

James nodded and Sirius stirred slightly in his arms. He, however, did not awaken and James looked up at his mom. "I hate all the things that have happened to him. Why did they have to happen to Sirius? What did he ever do to deserve his parents treatment?"

Mrs. Potter sighed and shook her head. "I don't know," she confessed. "I can't understand how parents could subject their child to such cruel treatment. I can't even imagine treating you like that. I've tried."

James raised his eyebrows in grim amusement. "You've imagined torturing and abusing me while making my life hell?" he asked, somewhat disconcerted.

Laughing slightly, Mrs. Potter amended, "I said I tried and failed, and that was only when I was trying to see from the Blacks' perspective." Her laughter faded and she looked at Sirius with a sad look in her eyes. "Not all of us can be so lucky I guess," she said softly. "Some of us have to be dealt a bad hand or nobody wins."

"What's that supposed to mean? Are you trying to say that because of Sirius's suffering, someone else will have prospered?"

"No," Mrs. Potter corrected, "I'm saying that…ok, I'm gonna try a different approach. Do you think that you and Sirius would be as close as you are if he had not gone through hell last summer?"

James thought about it for a minute. He saw no reason as to why not, but then again, the only reason they were together was because of a rant that Sirius had had the first night back. "I don't know," he answered honestly. "I probably wouldn't have found out about his feelings until later, because he accidentally told me in a rant the first night back."

"You see," Mrs. Potter said smiling, "You both won, because of a bad hand." With those words said, Mrs. Potter got up and left the room. James lay there, Sirius in his arms, contemplating what she had said. Would they have been together if Sirius hadn't been raped? James didn't want to think about it.He didn't like thinking that because horrible things had happened to Sirius, he gained the most important person in his life. Sirius again squirmed in his arms, breaking James out of his thoughts.

"A bad hand, aye?" Sirius mumbled, startling an unsuspecting James. Sirius blinked his eyes open blearily and turned around to face James. His grey eyes were shining with amusement.

"You were awake?" questioned James, looking at him straight in the eyes.

Sirius shrugged mildly and kissed James on the cheek. "Only dimly, until the bad hand part."

James smiled. A few summers ago the Potters had taught Sirius how to play poker. Immediately, Sirius had fallen in love with it, although he had absolutely no skill in the game. He had no poker face whatsoever, but still had fun making outrageous bets and winning most of the time because of forfeit from the other players.

"Well, I hope whatever I might have said did not offend you," he teased in response.

Sirius shook his head. "Am I supposed to be offended, because I can pretend that I am."

"No, that's ok."

"But it would give us something to do."

"But I don't want you mad at me."

"I won't _really_ get mad."

"You're right. You'll blow things completely out of proportion!"

"It's so goodto know that you have so much faith in me."

"Ain't it though?"

A.N. alright, this is the last pointless chapter that I have to b.s. um, yeah, please review, thank you for reviewing, sorry about the randomness, and…adios.


	26. chapter 26

Chapter 26

The rest of the summer went by smoothly. Somehow the boys managed to amuse themselves by trying to teach Anastasia how to talk, snuggling and kissing in James's room, or begging Remus and Peter to come over. Usually the didn't, but they always found something else to do.

One day they had gone out to go swimming, which was basically a chance for them to snog by the pool, until they got caught by Mr. Potter at least. And once they had gone on a hike, which ended up being just a snog in the woods. And then they had gone on a picnic, which turned out to be no more than a snog in the meadows.

"We should cook something," James said randomly while they were sitting in James's room doing nothing. Sirius had Anastasia in his arms and was teaching her how to dance.

He looked up and his eyebrows drew together, as if to say, 'are you crazy?'. "Do you really know how to cook?" he asked, surprise showing through his voice.

Slightly put off, James responded, "Of course I know how to cook. It's in my blood."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I have dark family heritage in my blood, yet that doesn't really mean much to me," he said, a smile flashing across his lips. Anastasia laughed slightly and clapped her hands together in glee. "She agrees with me," Sirius added, tickling his daughter under her chin. She giggled and gently pulled on Sirius's hair. Rolling his eyes, he carefully extracted his daughter's hands from his hair. "You're going to be my little headache child, aren't you, always causing me and my hair grief."

"My hair and me," corrected James absently. Recently he had gotten into a hey-let's-use-correct-grammar-or-die attitude. If Sirius said anything that was grammatically incorrect, James would automatically correct him, causing Sirius more than a little bit of frustration. Of course, if Sirius tried to correct James, he would always counter it by some other grammar rule that was either made up on the spot or unheard of and unused for centuries.

Sirius rolled his eyes again and stood up, setting Anastasia down on the ground so she could crawl around. "Let's go bake cookies. I can do that and you can do that, and they're fun, and they taste good!"

James looked up at him and smiled. "Brilliant idea!" he exclaimed and picked up Anastasia before getting up. "I don't know why I didn't think of it."

"Duh, James. You didn't think of it because I thought of it," Sirius laughed and led the way out of the room, James following with Anastasia now pulling on his hair, only not so gently.

"Sirius was right, you are going to be a headache child, simply because your hair pulling technique is giving me a headache," James told her as he walked down the stairs. When he entered the kitchen, he set her in her high chair so she could watch and went to help Sirius find things to make cookies.

"What type of cookies do you want?" he asked as James joined him.

"Chocolate chip, what else," he replied and began rummaging in the kitchen for butter and vanilla extract.

"Of course. There's no other type of cookie, is there?" teased Sirius, setting the flour, sugar, and brown sugar on the counter.

"Definitely not," he responded, going to find chocolate chips in the pantry. He arrived shortly afterwards and then looked at everything organized around them. "Is that all?"

"Eggs," Sirius answered and went back to the refrigerator to get some out. He came back and smoothly set the eggs on the counter.

"Salt and baking soda," James spontaneously said and went to fetch some. Within moments he was back and setting the things on the counter with the rest of the items. Sirius looked around and his eyebrows drew together in concentration.

"Is that everything this time?" he asked, trying to think about what else they might need. James also looked around and then nodded that they did have everything.

And so they began baking. Sirius was stirring the butter and sugars together while James was mixing the flour, salt, and baking powder. Sirius smiled as he stirred. He remembered when he was twelve, he had gone to James's house for a week during summer break (without his parents' permission). They had spent most of the time just playing around outside, but the night before Sirius had to leave, they stayed up all night baking cookies, which had resulted in a flour fight. They had been covered in flour and had cookie dough all over their hands. Mrs. Potter had gotten up the next morning and had nearly had a heart attack.

He chuckled and James turned to look at him. "What's so funny?"

Sirius sighed and said, "I was remembering the last time we baked cookies together. What a huge mess we made!"

James laughed and shook his head. "My mom was so angry about that, I thought that she would never forgive me."

"Why?"

"Well, in the process of ruining her kitchen, we also destroyed about three bags of flour, four batches of cookies, and two bowls."

Sirius laughed at that and stopped when Anastasia started crying. After glancing at James and then the bowl, he went to go check on her. As he bent to down to pick her up to soothe her, a movement outside of the house caught his eye through the window. It was a formidable looking woman walking up the path to the door. His heart sank and he immediately backed up into the kitchen.

"James," he panted as he hurried into the kitchen, "we've got a problem."

James looked at him confused, wondering what could have possibly happened, considering they hadn't done anything that would cause anything to blow up or burn. "What happened?" he asked.

"Someone's here," he responded.

"Who?"

"My-" Three knocks sounded at the door: knock knock knock. Sirius flinched each time at the horrible sounds. "mum," he finished, looking downtrodden.

James's eyes widened and he immediately took Anastasia from his boyfriend's arms and took her to his mother's office, where she kept a crib for when she was babysitting. "At least she won't find Ana," James reassured Sirius, who had turned pale with dread.

They heard another insistent knock and Mrs. Potter came down the stairs to answer the door. "Why didn't one of you answer it?" she called out to them as she turned the knob. Neither boy responded, knowing she'd know soon enough. Sure enough, with the squeak of the door came an unpleasant, tense silence.

"Where is he," demanded Mrs. Black as she marched into the house uninvited. Sirius flinched and tried to vanish into the counter with no luck. James gave Sirius a pat on the back for encouragement as Mrs. Black stormed into the kitchen with Mrs. Potter right behind her. "There he is," she sneered when her gaze fell upon her son. His scowl deepened and he shrank back ever so slightly. Both Mrs. Potter and James could tell how terrified he was. "I thought we told you to come home for the summer," she hissed as she moved closer, grabbing the teenager tightly by the wrist.

"You get off of him," snarled James, lunging at her. However, Sirius pushed him back with his free arm, shooting him a look that clearly said 'let me handle this'. James calmed himself unwillingly, but he sat down on a chair in the kitchen, praying that Anastasia wouldn't decide to cry out right then.

"Well, so worthless that you have to have your pansy boyfriend stick up for you," she whispered, her grip tightening. Sirius could feel the pain shooting up his arm, but he showed no signs to his mother that it hurt him.

"You know," he snarled in return, "I could send you to Azkaban with one little complaint."

"How do you figure?" she asked, loosening her grip ever so slightly. Both Mrs. Potter and James were watching the exchange with anger and interest. How was Sirius going to handle it?

"Well, my entire childhood I was abused by both of you, not just father. Not to mention the fact that you did nothing to stop the rapes from last summer. That, by the law, makes you just as guilty." Sirius grinned wryly. "Haven't you ever heard of 'guilty by association'?"

Mrs. Black let go of her son and took a step backwards as the words sunk in. That, however, did not stop her verbal abuse. "You pathetic little bastard," she growled. "You were always such a disgrace to our family. We should have killed you at birth. We didn't though, but I can assure you that you are beyond disowned. I will not have you for a son."

"How can you just do that to your own child?" snapped Mrs. Potter angrily. She was tired of watching the tirade of hurtful words towards the boy who had become like a second son. "You're supposed to love your child, not despise him."

Mrs. Black's lips twisted into some harsh smile. "Love? I have never loved this worthless creature some people have the nerve to call a human being, what with his unnatural perversions. How could I?"

With those words, she spun on her heel to leave. Mrs. Potter, Sirius, and James followed, without really knowing why. As Mrs. Black began to open the door, she turned back to face her son. "This is not over yet," she taunted and opened the door only to come face to face with ministry officials with their wands pointed at her.

"Mrs. Black," the man at the door said, "you are arrested under the charges of child abuse and neglect."

Mrs. Potter's eyebrows rose in amusement while James and Sirius looked pleasantly confused. As the ministry officials led the protesting woman away, Anastasia began to cry, which was James's call to go comfort his daughter. Mrs. Potter smiled and gave Sirius a tight hug, which he gladly returned, before returning up the stairs, passing her husband as she went.

Mr. Potter came down and stood looking at Sirius. "So they got her?" he asked as he looked at the teenager.

He nodded and continued to look confused. "How did they know she was here?" he asked.

Mr. Potter smiled ever so slightly and responded, "I saw her coming up the walkway and decided I didn't want to take any chances. So I called the ministry and they were more than happy to offer their assistance. Plus, we all had enough proof against her to have those charges against her."

A smile spread across Sirius's face and compulsively he gave Mr. Potter a tight hug. "Thanks Mr. Potter," he said, happy that someone cared about him enough to do something like that. Uncomfortable with the situation for a moment, Mr. Potter forced himself to relax and returned the hug.

A.N. yep, I have a plan now. I wrote an outline. Things are going good. Please review. I personally really like this chapter. I think I did a good job, I'd like to know your opinion as well. Please review and thank you for reviewing.


	27. chapter 27

Chapter 27

The holidays drew to an end, much to Sirius's relief. As much as he loved staying at the Potters' house, he didn't want another incident to occur like the one with his mother. Plus, Anastasia was getting so big and Sirius wanted to show her off. He missed Remus and Peter, as neither of them had been able to come over at all during the summer.

So, the night before they were leaving, James and Sirius were in their room packing. "Do you think I'll be able to play quiditch this year?" Sirius asked James as he looked at his broomstick with some remorse.

James looked over at Sirius and shrugged and continued to pack his own things. "I don't see why not," he answered, folding up some robes. "I'm sure Lily wouldn't mind watching over Ana while you practice and play. She doesn't care at any other time."

"I know I can find a babysitter," sighed Sirius in exasperation. "Do you think I'll be able to find time to take care of her, practice quiditch, and study at the same time?"

James looked at him as if he'd grown a second head. "Study? What is the meaning of this word…study?"

Sirius laughed and rolled his eyes. "I'd define it, but I don't really see a point. But, in all seriousness, we have our NEWTS this year and I would really rather not fail them. I don't have the remotest clue as to what I want to do after we graduate. I don't think I can, with a baby."

"Of course you can," encouraged James. He set down what he was doing and walked over to Sirius to give him a hug. "Everything's going to turn out alright," he muttered in his ear. Sirius leaned into the hug and welcomed James's warmth.

"You're too good for me, you know that, right?" he said softly against James's shoulder. He could feel James shaking his head determinedly.

"No, I could never be too good for you. Maybe to good _to_ you but never too good for you. I love you, and when you love a person, you can never too many good things for them. I would do anything for you, Sirius. I wish you'd realize that."

Sirius sighed and pulled away from James ever so slightly so that they could look at each other square in the eyes. "I know, I just…I feel like you're offering me so much and all that I can offer you is a huge bag filled with nothing but burdens that I should be carrying."

"You shouldn't feel that way," soothed James, stroking hair. "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you, always remember that. I don't do just anything for anyone." At that comment, Sirius looked up and grinned slightly. Tears were starting to form in his eyes. Gently, James wiped them away and kissed him on the forehead. "Come on now, you have to finish packing. Not to mention we have to find all of Ana's things. No doubt my mum has clothes, diapers, and toys all over the house."

The next morning Sirius woke up feeling oddly refreshed. They were going back to Hogwarts for their seventh and final year. He was so excited, yet sad. This would be their last year together as the Marauders. It was bittersweet really. They would all part after this year, James and Sirius together, most likely, and Remus and Peter elsewhere (Remus possibly with Lily).

Next to him, James stirred and then slowly blinked open his eyes. "I don't wanna get up," he moaned when the sunlight hit his eyes. Sirius rolled his eyes and hit James on the shoulder.

"Get up you moron," he teased and quickly jumped out of bed himself to avoid getting hit. However, when he touched the wooden floor with his bare feet, he jumped back onto the bed. The floor was freezing. "James," he complained, "your bloody floor is bloody freezing."

James shrugged and got up gingerly to go comfort Anastasia, as Sirius's yelp of surprise had woken her up. "Shush, shush, there, there, calm down. That's just daddy making a lot of noise in the morning because he likes waking the entire house up at the crack of dawn."

Sirius cautiously got out of bed and walked around on his toes. "Crack of dawn? What are you talking about? It's eight," he said as he looked around for his slippers which were suddenly nowhere to be found.

"Oh, like that's a whole lot better," moaned James and he sniffed Anastasia's diaper. "Ew, Sirius, come change her." Sirius ignored James and continued his quest for his slippers. James sighed in frustration and settled himself down to change the dirty diaper. "You owe me for this, Black," he growled.

"Why?" Sirius asked as he looked up. He was now half under the bed, still without any luck in finding them. "You're the parent too, which means that you get to help with the dirty parts, and don't you dare take that the way I know you will."

James smiled innocently and focused back on his own task. "Who said I was thinking that?" he asked.

"I could see it in your eyes," responded Sirius, now moving onto looking in the bathroom sized closet.

"That means you know me way too well," he said, chuckling slightly as he put a new diaper on his daughter. She giggled and reached up to pull on James's hair. James pulled back, just out of her reach, and laughed at her. "Ha, you can't get my hair now. Ha-ha-ha."

Sirius came out of the closet looking dejected, but turned to James with a stern expression on his face. "Don't tease her," he reprimanded and then walked into the bathroom to get dressed.

They arrived at the platform at 10:30, giving the two boys plenty of time to find a place to sit and pack their things onto the train.

"Are you sure you don't want to just leave Ana with us?" asked Mrs. Potter for about the twentieth time. She had started at breakfast, giving a very long list as to why it would be a good idea, but with Sirius countering with an even longer list as to why it was a bad idea. In the end, they all knew that Mrs. Potter had just gotten really close with Anastasia over the summer and didn't want her to leave.

"I'm positive, Mrs. Potter. But thanks for offering. It means a lot to me," answered Sirius, managing to keep the exasperation out of voice. As much as he loved the crazy lady, he was tiring of her consistent questions.

"Alright, I'll give up," she said, sensing his annoyance and then she gave them both quick kisses on the forehead. "Be good this year. Maybe having a baby will give you both a sense of responsibility."

James laughed and shook his head. "Not a chance of that happening, mum," he laughed and gave her a quick hug. Mr. Potter didn't say anything, just shook both James's and Sirius's hands and turned on his heel to leave. Mrs. Potter watched his retreating back with disapproval in her eyes, but turned back to the teenagers and said good bye one last time.

"Make sure to write, and send pictures of Ana," she called out, kissing Anastasia on the cheek and playing with her feet one last time.

"Okay mum," James answered and then they headed back to the train and to their compartment. They sat on the train, James sitting leaning against the window and Sirius laying down with his head in James's lap. Anastasia was sitting on his stomach and gently hitting him, causing both boys to laugh in amusement. Each time Sirius laughed, Anastasia would squeal in delight, as his stomach moved up and down.

With ten minutes before the train was going to leave, Remus entered dragging his trunk and with Lily behind him. "Hey you guys. How was your summer?" he asked as he settled down. Lily sat down beside him and snuggled into his arms, looking at James and Sirius.

James smiled and looked at his two friends. "It was just swell. We had an awesome time, between begging you to come visit and trying to teach Anastasia new songs."

"That was not sarcastic by the way," Sirius said while he tickled his daughter's stomach. She giggled again and her tiny hand closed around Sirius's finger.

Lily smiled. Anastasia seemed to be a perfectly healthy, well taken care of, showered with love child. How much of a contrast between her and Sirius. She sighed softly at that thought and then took Ana off of Sirius's stomach without even asking. He looked at her as if she had committed some horrible sin but then closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of James's fingers raking through his hair.

The door opened again and Peter came in, but left immediately. He was not in the mood to socialize with couples. He and his girlfriend had recently broken up and he was still pretty crushed by it.

The train ride was really uneventful, spent with Sirius relaxing, James and Remus chatting, and Lily playing with Ana. The lady with the cart came by and James bought some food and split it with his friends before the peaceful atmosphere resumed. When they were about a half hour from the train, the door slid open and in waltzed Snape.

"What are you doing here, Snape," snarled Sirius, suddenly alert. Snape looked over Sirius and then looked at Ana, who was still in Lily's arms.

"I just wanted to say hello," he said in a sly voice. "I wondered if it was true. You had your own mother arrested when she came by to see you over the summer?"

Sirius's face turned red in his anger and he stood up, pulling his wand out with him. "Get out, Snape. NOW!"

"Well, you are more worthless and pathetic than I initially thought. Just look at you. You're a screwed up mess."

James stood up and put his hand on Sirius's shoulder. This was one fight he would not back down from. The last time Sirius had released his anger on Snape, he'd almost been killed and had betrayed the entire group. "Snape, leave. At least he has people who care about him who won't end up going to Azkaban for supporting the dark lord."

"Yeah," spat Lily, who also stood up, holding Ana close to her chest so she wouldn't get hurt. "How many people do you have supporting you, Snape?"

Remus also stood up and put a protective hand on both Lily's and Sirius's shoulder. "I suggest you leave, Snape. There's no telling what we'll do if we feel that one of our own is in any sort of danger."

At those words, Snape bristled and left. James sat back down and pulled Sirius back down with him. Sirius looked at his friends, his boyfriend, and his daughter. "Thanks guys."

A.N. I highly dislike school. Oh well. The next chapter will be up soon and it just might be rated 'R'. I don't know. I haven't written it yet. Anyways, please review and thank you!


	28. chapter 28

Chapter 28

The first few months were uneventful. Sirius and James maintained their deep love for each other and got closer each day. However, Sirius could not yet overcome his past experiences, which, he knew, might cause some future problems.

Now it was November and it was nearing James's birthday and Sirius wanted to do something very special for him. He, however, had no idea what to do. So, he went to Remus.

"Moony," he whined as he sat down on the couch in frustration. Remus was sitting there trying to study. As he heard his voice being called, a smile flashed upon his lips, but he did not look up.

"What, Padfoot," he responded.

"I don't know what to do for Prongs's birthday. I can't think of anything special to do."

"Well, why don't you sing him a song," suggested Remus as he continued to stare at his book, not really reading anymore.

"That's embarrassing," whined Sirius and started poking Remus in the arm, as if that would help him think of a good idea. Remus shut his book. It was impossible to do anything really, let alone study, when Sirius felt like complaining.

"Well, why don't you cook something?" he suggested next. Sirius raised his eyebrows in amusement.

"Have you tried my cooking?" he asked. Remus wrinkled his nose at the thought. If his potions were any indication towards his cooking, then it must have been terrible.

"Why don't you…write him a poem?" he suggested next. As Sirius opened his mouth to protest, he thought about it again. What could it possibly hurt, writing him a poem?

"That's a brilliant idea Moony!" he exclaimed, jumping up and running out of the common room to his room to write the it. Sirius and James still had their own room, as Anastasia still liked to cry at night occasionally.

"A poem, a poem, a poem," Sirius muttered to himself furiously as he sat down at his desk. How hard could it be to write a poem that conveyed every little emotion that Sirius felt towards James? Then he thought about that question and sighed. Impossible.

"Oh well," Sirius mumbled to himself. "I guess I can pick one of those emotions and write a poem based on that."

He nodded and then set out writing.

"It's my birthday, it's my birthday," James sang as he walked down to the great hall for breakfast. Neither Sirius nor Anastasia had been there so he assumed that they were eating and preparing for class.

As he entered the great hall, he saw that his assumptions were correct. Sirius was sitting across from Lily and Remus and they were all chatting about something. James came up and sat down next to Sirius. He was greeted by a long kiss on the lips and then he began to eat.

"Happy birthday, James," Sirius said happily. Remus smiled and Lily nodded.

"Happy birthday. Now you're, what, eighteen?" she teased.

"Wow, you're getting old, Prongs," jibed Remus.

Sirius shook his head and kissed James on the cheek again. "But he's still cute," he pointed out. Lily nodded at that comment.

"Yes he is," she agreed and smiled sweetly. Remus looked alarmed at that statement. "Don't worry, honey. You're still cuter."

"Today," Professor McGonagall began, "we are going to transform…"

Sirius zoned out at that point. He was seriously hoping that entire night would go as planned. He wrote the poem and was hoping that it said all that he had hoped that it had said. On top of his poem, Sirius was going to give James permission to do whatever he wished to do with him. He was only hoping that he wouldn't get freaked out by unpleasant memories.

"Mr. Black, what was I saying?" Professor McGonagall asked. She had her hands on her hips and seemed to be frustrated with him. Of course he had no idea what she was talking about, but maybe he could bluff his way through without embarrassing himself too badly.

"Um, Professor, I believe you were talking about transforming something into something else and how much concentration it takes to transform that something into the something else that you want to transform that something into."

Professor McGonagall 's eyebrows drew together. Or he could just confuse her, that might also work. "Mr. Black, I'm afraid that you were paying even less attention than you usually do."

"Sorry," he apologized.

"Would you see me after class, please," she asked and then continued talking.

When class was let out, Sirius went straight to her. He had to pick up Anastasia in fifteen minutes from Madame Pomfery so he was hoping that it wouldn't take too long.

"What's distracting you now, Mr. Black? I have a feeling that it's more than just your usual trivial daydreaming," she said.

He shrugged and looked at the floor. Why not tell her? It wasn't like she really cared in the long run. "Well, it's James's birthday and I'm just hoping that everything I've planned will turn out the way…well, the way I planned it."

Professor McGonagall smiled and nodded. "Well, I hope things go well too, but next time please at least pretend like you're paying attention."

A mischievous smile flashed across his face and she was strongly reminded of the eleven year old boy who had been so filled with energy and innocence as part of the shadow on his heart was lifted. And that had been ripped away by his evil parents. She missed that child, who had not a care in the world. She missed seeing his pranks, even when thecaused her great grief.But it was his contagious laugh that she missed the most.She used to hear it every day and it would drive her crazy. Now she missed it. It was amazing what you missed when you took things for granted. She shook those thoughts away as he replied, "I'll pretend next time, I promise."

And he was gone before she could reprimand him any longer.

James sat in their room, wondering where Sirius was. He stood up and began pacing around the room when his eyes fell upon a piece of parchment. He looked at it closely and then picked it up. It said 'to James'. He unfolded it and read:

_Unconditional Love_

_A love that is pure  
__A love that is true  
__A love that is different  
__A love that shows through_

_A love that forgives  
__When it's not deserved  
__A love that does something  
__For nothing in return_

_A love that is bright  
__As the stars in the sky  
__A love that persists  
__Never ceases or dies_

_A love that is strong  
__A love that beats all  
__A love that survives  
__A love that's unconditional_

As he read, his eyes filled with tears. He knew immediately that Sirius must have written it. How else could it so accurately describe how they felt towards each other? Now if only Sirius would actually show up so that they could be together. He honestly hoped that Sirius wasn't planning anything big with Remus, Peter, and Lily. He just wanted it to be them. Hell, he didn't even want Anastasia to be there.

Just then the door opened and Sirius came in, slightly flushed and panting, as if he had been running. James moved forward and kissed Sirius on the lips and he eagerly responded. "Happy birthday," he breathed once they had broken apart.

Instead of leaning in for another kiss, James held up the poem that Sirius had written. "It's beautiful, thank you. I love it and I love you."

Sirius smiled and then licked his lips nervously. "There's something else that I want to give you," he said somewhat hesitantly.

James looked confused for a moment and then asked, "What do you mean? Where's Ana, by the way?"

"She's with Lily and Remus. Tonight is your night, which means I'm putting all of my focus on you, not her, as much as I love her."

James nodded and kissed Sirius on the lips again. When the broke apart, James asked, "Okay, so what is my other gift."

Sirius grinned seductively and leaned forward to whisper in James's ear, "You can have your complete, total, unquestioned way with me tonight."

James pushed away from Sirius and looked shocked. "No, Sirius, I could never do that to you."

"It's your gift. I give you permission," he murmured as he walked seductively to the bed and lay down. He began to slip out of his school robe, leaving his every day clothing on.

James just stood there silently, internal conflict. "Are you sure you're ready," he finally said, looking his boyfriend over. Sirius involuntarily shuddered and then nodded.

"Of course I am, now come on."

James, licking his lips now, put a silencing charm on the room and put a locking charm on the door. "If you insist," he said and walked towards Sirius.

He lay down next to Sirius and carefully pushed him onto his back. He began to run his fingers of the shirt and then unbuttoned it. Soon, his chest was exposed and James was running his fingers over Sirius's smooth chest. He began kissing his chest, his neck, his lips, his forehead, making Sirius groan in anticipation.

Then James moved lower. Sirius felt increasing discomfort as James began to assist Sirius out of his pants. He felt better though when it was gentle pulling and not violent ripping while taking them off. Before he knew it, James was naked and lying next to him.

A.N. I decided I didn't want to change the rating. Too much effort. I seriously hope that I didn't go over the actual rating. Hmm, please review (I say that a lot) and thanks for reviewing.


	29. chapter 29

Chapter 29

Christmas time rolled around much like it had the year before. Sirius decided that he wanted to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas and, while James wanted to go home, he decided that it would be better if he just stayed with Sirius rather than regret it later. Plus, Lily and Remus were staying for the holidays and James figured the more the merrier.

So, while most residents of Hogwarts were preparing to go home, Sirius was rocking Anastasia to sleep in the Gryffindor common room while Lily watched James and Remus play chess. It was very peaceful among the four Gryffindors.

"Ah, crud muffin!" exclaimed Remus as James's bishop killed his queen. James grinned and sat back looking smug.

"Beat that, Lupin," he teased. Remus sneered at him and then grinned. Lily got off of her seat and went to go sit next to Remus.

"I'll help," she said and directed his castle to go kill James's bishop.

"Hey, I didn't even…oh well," James stammered and Sirius decided that if Lily could help Remus, he could help James. In the end it became more of a game between Lily and Sirius.

"I see your move," Sirius whispered to James and then began pointing everywhere. Then Lily interjected and pointed out why that wouldn't work. So Sirius ended up telling James's bishop to slide to the end of the board.

Then Remus got to his move, and his castle was in danger no matter where he moved it. "You're going to die, Moony," said Sirius. "You can, however, take that guy and at least you'll go out in style."

"Hey, I thought you were helping me," an indignant James cried out. Sirius shrugged and returned his attention back to the game. James rolled his eyes and tried to regain his control over the game.

The game continued on the same way and eventually, Remus ended the game. However he had prolonged it so that he could kill all of James's pieces, so he had an unpleasant surprise waiting for him. "Yes!" he exclaimed happily. "I won. Finally!"

Sirius examined the board and then shook his head in amusement. "No you didn't, Moony," he said, still staring at the board.

Remus stopped his celebration and looked at the board. "What do you mean, no I didn't?"

James also looked at the game and burst into uncontrollable laughter. Even Lily had a smile on her face. "Well, you're in a stalemate," explained Sirius as he pointed out why."

At those words, Remus's smile fell and Sirius and Lily burst into laughter and James fell over. "I…stalemate? Nah, it's a check mate," he muttered.

"No," Sirius replied through his laughter, "you can't kill James where you are right now, but it's his move and if he moved anywhere else, you could kill him. So he has to stay there, but you still can't kill him."

"You…ha-ha…couldn't even kill me…ha-ha….properly. Stalemate!" James laughed.

"Ha-ha," Remus laughed sarcastically and began collecting his pieces. "I challenge you to a rematch."

"You're on!" he exclaimed and so began another game, with Lily and Sirius throwing in random, but helpful, comments. It was never quite clear who they were helping out though…

"Merry Christmas!" exclaimed James, waking Sirius up. He blinked his eyes open and gazed up at James's face.

"James," he groaned, rolling over and away from him, "I want to sleep. It's to bloody early."

Anastasia started crying and he rolled his eyes as he got up. "This is a set up, I know it," he grumbled as he walked to her bed to pick her up. "You two got together and decided, 'hey let's get Sirius up early today simply because it's Christmas and we actually have a decent excuse, unlike the other 364 days of the year'."

James watched Sirius rant and smiled. Sirius used to be a morning person, but after Anastasia had been born, something had changed. Now Sirius preferred to just stay in bed, even if he was awake, and he could stay in bed for hours. Unless, of course, they had class, which was basically every day except for weekends.

"Come on Siri, cheer up," urged James. "It's her first Christmas and don't ruin it by complaining about absolutely nothing!"

Sirius turned to look at James with raised eyebrows. "Sorry, senor bossy."

James rolled his eyes and went to go find some food for his daughter. He came back and found Sirius playing with Anastasia and one of the toys that they had gotten her for Christmas.

"I can't leave you alone for ten minutes and you're already playing with her toys," he teased as he sat next to his boyfriend. After sharing a kiss, James opened the food container and began to feed the nine month old baby.

The rest of the morning was spent opening presents, showing Anastasia what to do with her gifts and one rousing game of chess, in which Sirius won because he "saw all of the moves".

Remus and Lily came by around noon, knocking on the door and came in. Remus and James started another chess game, much to Lily's dismay (she feared that they were to violent, which they were), and Lily and Sirius played with Anastasia.

"She's getting so big," Lily said as she watched Ana crawl to one of her toys which lit up and danced when she touched it. "And she looks so much like you."

"Die pawn, die!" exclaimed Remus from behind them. "Crush them all!" Lily and Sirius turned around to look at the two teenagers playing chess. They didn't pay any attention to the other two.

"She is getting big," agreed Sirius, sounding somewhat disturbed by his usually calm friend. "She was trying to walk the other day. With my assistance," he admitted sheepishly.

Lily smiled and James suddenly yelled out, "HA! Beat that you scum bag! My pawn just crushed your horsy. What now? Ooh…wait, ouch."

"HA-HA-HA!" shouted Remus. "My pawn just destroyed your queen! Now who's the tough guy?"

"I see your move," James said softly, "so don't get cocky yet."

"At least I still have my queen."

"Not for long!"

Lily laughed and turned back to Anastasia. "I swear that game brings out the monsters in those two."

"Poker's a dangerous game to play too, with James anyways," added Sirius. At those words Lily's eyes lit up.

"Poker, now that's a good idea," she whispered. Sirius rolled his eyes and pushed a button on one of Anastasia's toys.

An hour later, after Remus smashed at their chess game, Lily convinced them to set up a poker table and they started playing.

"I'm gonna bet…um, this many chips," Sirius said, pushing out enough to approximate to $400.

Lily looked at the pile and then her hand. She pushed out that much. Remus and James did as well, grumbling about how stupid Sirius was.

"Well, show your cards," Lily said as she set her hand down. She had a three of a kind in fours. James had a pair of twos and Remus had nothing. Sirius lay his down with a straight.

A smile flashed upon his face and he said, "Who said I didn't have a poker face?"

A.N. yep, there you go. I based that entire chapter on personal experience. My cousins play chess exactly like that and my mum is crazy when it comes to poker. Please review, and thanks a lot _for _reviewing.


	30. chapter 30

Chapter 30

"Today we are going to be brewing a sleeping draught," Professor Muffin stated as she walked around. "This takes careful, precise measurements or else you're endangering the person taking it. Potions that go wrong may result in serious illness and even possibly death."

James and Sirius exchanged a glance. The potion did not sound overly pleasant in their opinion. "Alright, partner up with someone who won't cause you to fail utterly," she said, glancing over at James and Sirius, a sneer on her face. "And begin."

They all began preparing their potions. James carefully measured everything while Sirius began setting up the cauldron and other items. As they worked, they talked about things.

"So, what should we do at Hogsmead?" James asked under his breath as Professor Muffin walked by.

Sirius shrugged slightly and poured the ingredients in to the bubbling mixture. James watched it somewhat apprehensively. No where in her instructions did it say 'mixture should be bubbling'. "Sirius," James asked his boyfriend, touching him gently on the shoulder. "Are you sure you've done everything correctly?"

Sirius looked at him, then the potion, and then the instructions and then nodded. "Assuming everything was measured out correctly, this should be fine," he answered.

James nodded, not quite convinced, but still not going to argue. So he watched as Sirius poured the ingredients in, stirring every now and then like the instructions said. Then, randomly, it exploded. James and Sirius ducked down, but it was too late. It splattered all over Sirius and James, and Remus and Lily (who were working right next to them), and a few other unidentified students.

Professor Muffin stormed over to the people who had been hit with the most of the potion. "What did you two idiots do?" she raged, her face red with her anger.

Sirius looked dazed and confused. James was on the floor, not moving, but breathing shallowly. "I don't know. We followed your directions word for word, order by order, and then it blew up."

"Mr. Potter, would you kindly sit up?" she snapped at James. He continued lying there without responding.

"James," Sirius urged, gently shaking his shoulder. James didn't stir, just stayed unconscious. Professor Muffin immediately sprang into action. She lifted the teenager with a levitating charm and navigated him out of the room, yelling, "Clean up the mess you made, Black."

Sirius watched her leave, feeling his heart sink in his chest. What had he done? He glanced at Remus and Lily who were cleaning the potion off of themselves, looking a bit shocked and afraid for James. "What did I do?" he asked numbly.

Remus looked at Sirius carefully and reached over to give him a quick brotherly hug. Lily began to clean up around them and Remus and Sirius broke apart. "Everything's going to be alright," Remus whispered, patting Sirius on the back. "Now, come on. If we don't have this cleaned by the time the Muffin gets back here, there will be hell to pay."

Sirius smiled slightly and also began clearing things up with his wand.

After the class was officially let out, Sirius rushed to the hospital wing after mumbling a hurried good bye to Remus and Lily. Of course he knew that he wouldn't be allowed to see James, but he had to at least try.

When he arrived at the hospital wing, short of breath from running the entire way, he was halted by Dumbledore, who was just coming out of the hospital wing. "Is he alright? Is he alive? Is he going to be fine? Oh, this is all my fault. I should have been more careful when he told me to check. I can't believe I was so careless," Sirius rambled on. Dumbledore tried to cut into his tirade of angry words against himself, but failed. So he let him continue on and when he was finished, Dumbledore raised his hand to stop any further self berating.

"Before you go any farther, let me set you straight," Dumbledore said smoothly. "It was not your fault, first off. Something like that could have happened to anybody. I have no doubt that you were being as careful as you saw fit. Secondly, James will be fine. Apparently James as some sort of allergic reaction to one of the ingredients in that potion. He's not going to die and he should be in perfect health once again soon."

Sirius nodded and was about to race into the room but Dumbledore restrained him and shook his head slightly. "Mr. Potter really needs some rest, and I highly doubt that Madame Pomfrey will appreciate you barging in while she's trying to treat her patient."

Sirius nodded sadly spun on his heel to go to the great hall to meet up with Remus and Lily. Professor Dumbledore watched him walk away feeling a bit sorry for the lad. He was such an impressive student, so intelligent, strong and brave. After all that he had gone through…he was glad that Mr. Black had finally been caught and thrown into Azkaban. It was no more than he deserved. "_But then again,"_ Dumbledore thought as he turned to go back to his office, _"who are we to condemn?"_

"How is he?" asked Lily as Sirius sat down across from her and next to Peter, who seemed to be off in his own little world.

"I don't know for certain, but Dumbledore said that he was simply allergic to something in the potion and that he would be okay in a few days."

Remus nodded and continued to eat but Sirius continued staring at his empty plate. It was all his fault, no matter what Dumbledore said. If only he had done everything…what, perfect? But he had. He had done everything exactly how the instructions had told him too. The only thing that could have been wrong was the measurements, but that wouldn't cause it to blow up, would it?

Sirius sighed in frustration at his own thoughts. It was just tearing him apart that he didn't know what he'd done wrong, when he knew that he hadn't done anything wrong. "I'm gonna go pick up Ana," he told Remus and Lily as he slung his bag over his shoulder and began to walk away. They all knew that he was just using his daughter as an excuse to go see James. "I'll see you guys later."

A.N. I'm sorry that the chapter was shorter than usual. I just couldn't think of anything more exciting to say. Ah well, please review, even though this chapter is not worthy of it. Y'all should check out my new story as well, if you like this one. Thank you! Adios.


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

A few days later on Sunday, James entered the room while Sirius sat near the fire with Anastasia.Sirius still felt bad that his potion had caused his lover to fall ill and that he wasn't allowed to visit with him while he was in the hospital wing. But now that James was out and better, Sirius wanted nothing more than to just be with him for the rest of the day.

James walked over to Sirius and kissed him on the lips, and then turned his attention to Anastasia. "Is it just me or has she grown while I was in the hospital wing?" he teased, trying to lighten up the atmosphere.

Sirius grinned slightly and handed his daughter to James. James took her in his arms and began bouncing her up and down on his knee. "I'm so sorry," Sirius said. "I don't know what I did to the potion to make it blow up, but I'm sorry."

James looked at Sirius as if he'd lost his mind. "Don't be sorry. In all honesty, it was probably my own fault for adding too much of something."

Sirius looked at James as if he'd lost his mind. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, I was sitting in the hospital wing yesterday, recovering, and I found myself brooding on the potion. I pulled out my list of instructions and was trying to remember the amounts that I put in. I added too much of the root thingys."

Sirius looked at him and then laughed. He laughed hysterically, and clutched at his stomach. "It hurts," he laughed as he fell of the couch. James watched him as if he'd lost his mind.

"Um…Sirius? Are you alright, love?" James asked, watching him with raised eyebrows and a bit of concern in his eyes. What had he said to make Sirius crack up like that?

"It was your fault, not mine!" he said through his laughter. James was starting to worry that he might hyperventilate, but he waited patiently for Sirius to either stop laughing or pass out from lack of oxygen.

Eventually the laughter stopped, and Sirius looked at James. "Sorry, it's just that I spent the entire time blaming myself and wondering what I couldpossibly havedone wrong."

James smiled sadly at that. "I'm sorry you felt like that, but was it that funny?"

Sirius thought for a moment and then shook his head. "No, it wasn't, now that I think about it."

James laughed at that and returned his attention to Ana. "We should try to teach her how to talk."

Sirius looked at James as if he'd lost his mind. She's only eleven months old."

"She'll be a year old in a few days," replied James as he watched her crawling around. "Plus, technically, every time we say something we're teaching her how to talk…just indirectly."

"So," said Sirius, thinking it over, "you're saying that you want to sit here like an idiot and talk to Ana in a bizarre way just so she can learn how to say a word like 'da-da'."

James thought it over and then nodded vigorously. "Do you have anything better to do?" he asked. Sirius thought there and pondered it for a moment.

"Well," he finally, "we could be studying for our N.E.W.T.S. or we could be doing something else that would probably be productive."

James rolled his eyes. Anastasia looked at her two parents as if they'd lost their mind. "You'd rather study for a test that's a month away than play with your daughter and me?"

Sirius rolled his eyes and sat down next to James, who was on the floor. "Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude," he teased.

"Hmm, it's worth a try, right?"

"If you say so…"

"I do. So there."

"Well that sounded very dictator like."

"What are you trying to say?"

"That you would do fairly well as a dictator."

"Well…I think you look like Cap'n Crunch."

Sirius burst out into laughter again at the last line. "Finally!" he exclaimed, "Veggitales are starting to wear off on you. I am victorious."

James sighed. "Just because it seemed like a reasonable comeback to me, doesn't mean that I'm accepting Veggitales."

"Ha-ha-ha," Sirius laughed as he reached for his daughter. He pulled her close to his chest and began to talk to her in the most condensing way possible. "Say da-da, say da-da. Say da-da is giving in to Veggietales and quoting the _Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!_"

James watched in amusement, uncertain as to what to do. Sirius seemed to be taking control of the entire situation. Just then the door flew up and in ran Lily, tears streaming down her face. Remus walked in behind her, a concerned expression on his face. "Lily, if you'll just tell me what's wrong, maybe I can try to help you," he begged as she fell into a chair in the corner. Remus stopped by her.

"Remus, you can't help. No one can," she sobbed. James and Sirius stood up looking worried. Anastasia squirmed in Sirius's arms. "There are some things that no one can help or fix. There are some things that are so...final that no amount of help will make it better!" Tears continued streaming down her face as she tried to compose herself.

"Lily," James said cautiously. "What's wrong?" Sirius hung back behind James, unsure as to what to say or do. Sirius really wasn't good at comforting other people. He couldn't ever seem to say the correct thing. Something really bad must have happened. The last time he had seen Lily Evans cry was when her cat had run away, and it hadn't been that bad, just a few tears of regret and mild loss.

She looked up at her friends, tears still falling freely. "What have I done to deserve such amazing friends?" she asked rather than answering their question. She looked at Anastasia, who was now holding her arms out to Lily, as if trying to comfort her from the distance. Sirius handed Lily his daughter and Lily looked at Anastasia closely. "You are so sweet. I hope you don't have to face as many trials as we have. I know you will, and you'll probably cause your own problems as well if you're anything like your parents."

She looked up from Anastasia to meet her friends' gazes, blinking back her tears. "My father just died." She rummaged around in her pocket for something, keeping one arm around Ana. She pulled out a wrinkled piece of parchment and looked up at her friends. Holding it out to Remus, she said, "This arrived earlier. It didn't really sink in until right now."

Remus took it and read it, nodding slightly while James and Sirius watched her carefully. "I'm so sorry Lily. You're right. I can't help you with this. I wish I could but…"

"Sorry, Lily," James said, sitting down next to her. She shrugged and focused on the baby still on her lap. Ana was looking at her with a faint smile on her pudgy face.

Lily gave a small grin in return to the child, and then glanced up at her friends. "The funeral is in a few days, but I have to go home and help make funeral arrangements. Do you think you guys can take notes for me? I might not be back for a while after the funeral as well. It all depends on...how things are at home."

James nodded. "Of course, but wouldn't you want us to keep you company."

"Yeah," agreed Sirius, "having your friends with you during a difficult time can be more healing than any amount of time alone."

She shook her head slightly. "No. I hate it when you guys see me like this. I'm supposed to be the calm composed one, not you guys! You're supposed to be causing havoc in my life, not easing it. As such, I don't want you to be there whenI completely break down."

"Hey, that's an unfair assessment of us!" exclaimed James in mock horror, a smile flashing across his handsome face.

Lily shrugged almost apologetically and turned to address Anastasia again, gently stroking her dark hair out of her eyes. Ana was looking at Lily intently, almost waiting for her to say something.Lily sighed softly and whispered, "I hope you don't have such bad luck as us. Look at the things we're going through. Look at how screwed up we are becoming.Remus is a werewolf, Sirius has the worst family on the planet, I'm an emotional wreck because my dad died, and James," she turned to look at James, eyebrows raised slightly, "well, James creates his own problems randomly." She smiled slightly and addressed her friends, handing Ana back to Sirius. "I've come to an educated conclusion, gentlemen."

"And what's that, Lily?" asked Remus, trying to humor her.

"Life sucks."

A.N. I'm getting tired of repeating myself. You all know that I love it when you review and thank you, so why should I say it every single time? From now on I'm going to leave random a.n.'s. ha-ha-ha! HA. anyways, I've had finals recently so...this might not be so good 'cause my brain is fried from studying so much. Groans oh well.


	32. chapter 32

Chapter 32

It was the end of the year again. The NEWTS were over and everyone was relaxing. Except for the Marauders. They were deeply worried that they would not be as close of friends as they were at school. It was their last year, and they were just realizing how much they were going to miss it. Sirius had spent the past few days wandering around with Anastasia in his arms, hugging everything and everyone he saw, including Snape. That had scared Remus a little bit, but…there you go. Remus and Lily had been accompanying him so that he wouldn't go insane. They too were starting to realize how important Hogwarts was to them, although they hadn't started hugging random people or inanimate objects.

At the time being, though, James had other things on his mind. It was Sirius's birthday and this year was going to be the best one yet. At least he hoped so. This year he had a surprise for his boyfriend and couldn't wait to tell him. However, he was anxious about how it would be accepted. He was determined for things to turn out right for Sirius, Anastasia, and him.

So, on June 11, Sirius's birthday, James got up and left the room in order to prepare for his surprise. As such, Sirius woke up alone and confused. The last time he'd woken up alone had been….wow, a long time ago. So he was surprised that, not only was James missing, but he was missing on his birthday. He got up and walked over to Anastasia who was sitting quietly in her crib.

"Alright, either he forgot my birthday or he's planning something outrageous that will probably make me love him forever," Sirius told her, leaning on the side of her crib. She just looked at him and giggled, waving her arms around, signifying that she wanted to be picked up. "Oh alright, you spoiled little munchkin." He picked her up and the door opened.

Sirius looked up, expecting James, but it was only Remus and Lily. "Happy birthday Sirius," Lily squealed in delight, lunging forward and throwing her arms around Sirius and Ana.

Remus rolled his eyes at her and said, "Happy birthday, Padfoot."

"Thanks you guys," Sirius responded, smiling at them as Lily pulled back and stepped back over to be by Remus's side. "Do you know where James is?"

Remus shrugged, but a small smile came to his face. "Sorry, Pads, I haven't seen him."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You are the crappiest liar I have ever met," he teased. "So, where is he?"

"We don't know, actually. The last time we saw him he was just strolling around the castle near Professor McGonagall 's class looking lost," answered Lily. Remus glanced at her suspiciously, but Sirius didn't notice.

"Really?" asked Sirius and he headed for the door. "Do you mind watching Ana for a while? I'd like to go find James."

Lily nodded and took the baby from his arms. He rushed out the door, leaving Lily and Remus with Anastasia.

"Why did you tell him where James was?" he asked his girlfriend, looking at her strangely.

"Because he _was _there. As in he's _not _there now. Key word being _was,_" she replied and kissed Anastasia on the forehead. "Not to mention, I'm a much better liar than you are sweetie."

teehee-

Sirius walked around the halls, completely lost, despite the fact that he'd wandered through those halls hundreds of times before. Where could James possibly be? He knew then that James was planning something, but for what purpose? What could possibly need so much planning for? Sirius sighed. He had a vague feeling that he knew what it was about.

He walked down to where Lily had last seen him and then walked around the other random hallways and staircases. Eventually he got tired of just walking so he started singing one of the Switchfoot songs, not minding how loud he got.

"Mr. Black, will you please keep it down," asked Professor McGonagall as she came out from a passage to his right.

Sirius looked sheepish for a moment and then nodded his head. "Sorry Professor," he replied. "Have you seen James anywhere?"

Professor McGonagall turned and looked at him and then shrugged. "I haven't been looking for him so I'm not sure. But I don't think I have so, no. Why?"

Sirius shrugged. "I just woke up and he wasn't with me. And it's my birthday so I know he's planning something because Lily and Remus made it blatantly obvious that he didn't forget and…I want to find him."

Professor McGonagall smiled at her student. Despite all the grief that he and James had caused her, she was going to miss them. Although they caused trouble they brought amusement during the rise of dark times. It was a shame to see them go. She would always cherish watching them as they grew up from children to teenagers and then to young men. _"It's the next step in their lives,"_ she thought to herself and then said aloud,"I'm sorry, Mr. Black. I haven't seen him. If I do, I'll tell him that it would mean a lot to you if he found you."

"Thanks, Professor." Sirius turned around to walk away.

"Oh and Mr. Black," she called unexpectedly. Sirius stopped and turned around to face her. She paused and then said ,"Happy birthday and good luck."

A smile crept across his handsome face. "Thanks, Professor." They parted ways, each knowing that they would most likely never speak to each other one on one again.

haha-

"So where is he?" asked James when he found Lily and Remus in the Gryffindor common room. "You were just supposed to tell him that I was going to meet him in the common room to get him out of the room."

"Well," Lily began calmly, "he seemed determined to find you so we sent him on a wild goose chase." Unnoticed by James and Lily, the door opened and in stumbled a weary looking teenager.

James rolled his eyes and suppressed a scream of frustration. "Well, dinner's going to get cold if I don't find him soon."

"Well, you won't have to look too long or hard," a smiling Remus stated.

"And why's that?" he demanded.

"He just came in." James spun around and smiled when he saw his boyfriend walking over to him.

"Finally, I found you. I swear I've been all around this school three times. Funny, it didn't strike me that you'd be in the common room," Sirius said as he fell into James's embrace.

When they broke apart, Lily asked hesitantly, "Do you want me to continue watching over Ana?"

James looked at Sirius for permission and then nodded. "Thanks you guys. We'll be back later to pick her up."

"You can leave her for the night if you want," Lily said, raising her eyebrows as if it were the most obvious thing on the planet.

"That's fine," Sirius answered and let James lead him impatiently out of the room. As they walked, Sirius began singing under his breath. It was one of the songs on the cd that James had given him. Of course, James recognized it immediately.

James smiled. "That's on the Switchfoot cd."

Sirius nodded and leaned against James. He was exhausted from running around the school. "I think it's a cool song."

"Hey, wait," James said, looking confused. "It wasn't on the cd I gave you."

Smiling dimly, Sirius responded, "Remus gave it to me for Christmas. I found some way to listen to it here. Awesome band."

James laughed and opened the door to their room. Sirius followed James into the room and gasped when his eyes fell upon the candles lit around the room, the nicely made table, and the freshly cooked dinner. "You did all of this for me?" he asked in stunned disbelief.

James rolled his eyes. "Siri, this is absolutely nothing. I would do anything for you, yet you're shocked that I would do something so small as cook dinner for you. You're worth far more than that."

Sirius shook his head and turned to look at James in the eyes. "I've said it once, I'll say it again, you are far too good for me."

"Nah, we agreed that I'm far too good _to_ you," he corrected as hegently steered Sirius to the table.

They began eating in a comfortable silence. Sirius was finding the food delicious, but he was still wondering about the big secrecy. This couldn't be the only thing that James had wanted to do, could it? It didn't seem likely, but then again, he would have said that it was unlikely that James Potter could cook a grilled cheese sandwich, let alone a gourmet meal.

"Sirius," James began, looking a bit uncertain as to what to say.

"Hmm?" Sirius responded, his mouth full of the delicious dinner that James had so carefully put together.

"I…uh, how's the food," he finished lamely. He was so nervous. _"What if he says no?"_ he worried to himself.

Sirius looked at him suspiciously, but answered, "It's great. Seriously, I don't think I've ever eaten something this good before."

James smiled at that. "Listen Siri, you know I love you, right?" Definitely suspicious now, Sirius nodded slowly. "Well," continued James, "when people love each other, they usually…you know, get married." Sirius's eyes widened slightly at that comment. James sighed and got out of his chair to kneel before Sirius. "I can't think of any other way to put this, and I'm not really a deeply romantic person, but to put it simply, will you marry me Sirius Black?"

Sirius smiled and nodded joyfully. "Of course, you idiot. Do you really think I would say no after all that you've done for me?"

James smiled sheepishly. "Well, I don't know. You know, stranger things have happened."

"Like?"

"I don't know. I started quoting Veggitales," he responded, laughing at the idiocy of it all.

Sirius smiled and jumped down on the floor to sit next to James. "Thank you for all that you've done. I owe you so much. I don't know if I would have been able to survive all that's happened if I hadn't had you with me."

James smiled slightly and gently touched Sirius's face. "Think nothing of it. I just expect you to have my back if something goes wrong." He moved forward and pressed a kiss to Sirius's mouth.

When they broke apart, Sirius laughed, "So the invincible Potter really isn't all that invincible?"

"You wish," he retorted and then began unbuttoning Sirius's shirt…

A.N.- teehee. How cute. I love them both. How adorable. Anyway, something exciting happened to me…well actually, nothing really big occurred in my life. Oh well. The normal message, and if you don't get it yet, go back and read previous author notes. Lol. See ya...or, actually, i won't. oh well.


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33

"All ready to go?" asked James coming out of the bathroom. Sirius was sitting on the bed looking around the room sadly. He didn't seem to want to let go of the past just yet.

"I'm gonna miss it," he sighed and stood up. "Hogwarts always was so important to me. It was my escape from my insane parents, it was where I met my first true friends, where I met my first true love, where my entire outlook on life was turned around. And now I'm leaving for good."

James looked at Sirius out of the corner of his eye as he made some last minute checks. The last thing he wanted to do was leave something behind. "Ah, Padfoot," he groaned, "this is a new start. Phase one is over and phase two begins now."

"Doesn't mean I have to completely welcome it," grumbled Sirius. James smiled at Sirius and walked over to him.

"Siri, nothing horrible is going to happen. We will maintain our close friendship with Remus, Peter, and Lily and we will get jobs and support each other while expressing our love for each other."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Wow, you've got our entire life planned out, don't you?" he teased. "Impressive."

"Well, I try," he said, laughing at himself.

A knock on the door sounded and then Remus entered without waiting for an answer.

"The first time you actually knock instead of barging right in and it's the day we're leaving," an incredulous Sirius exclaimed. "How does that work?"

"I don't have Lily with me. She insists on just breaking and entering," answered Remus, a small smile tugging at his mouth. "Anyways, you guys already to leave?"

James nodded and Sirius smiled slightly. He could remember when he first met Remus. He was a shy kid sitting alone in a compartment. Sirius had gone in and asked if he could sit down.

-flashback-

_"I'm Sirius Black," he said, holding out his hand, expecting to be rejected. _

_Instead, the boy held out his hand as well and said, "Remus Lupin." _

-end flashback-

What a huge difference from that small, shy, scrawny boy to the confident, handsome young man in front of him. He had been an incredible friend throughout the years, providing a comforting ear and good advice from time to time. Siruis knew that he would remain to be an awesome friend too.

"Come on, we should go," urged Remus, snapping Sirius out of his thoughts as James pulled on his elbow, forcing him to get up. Quickly he bundled up Anastasia and followed two of the people that had made his life better from day one of Hogwarts.

They met Lily at the entrance of the great hall and walked out together. Lily started chatting about what they were going to do now that they had graduated. Sirius smiled slightly. Lily would never change.

-flashback-

_"I'm Lily Evans," the red headed girl said sticking out her hand. "So, what do you know about all of this magic stuff. I'm a muggle born so this is all really fascinating." _

_Sirius watched her talk with raised eyebrows. "I'm Sirius Black. And I don't know what to tell you about the magic…" _

-end flashback-

"You okay Siri?" asked James as they boarded the train. Sirius nodded in response and followed James to an empty compartment. How many times had he followed James to a place to sit down? James was always taking the lead. Whether it was in a prank or simply walking around the school, James was the leader without a doubt.

-flashback-

_"And how are we going to manage to pull of this prank?" asked Remus anxiously. _

_James smiled. "Don't worry about it. Sirius, you're going to do the dye, Remus, you handle all of the spells, and Peter, you're the diversion." _

_"What are you going to do?" asked Sirius. James simply smiled._

_"You'll see…"_

-end flashback-

"Where's Peter?" asked Lily as they settled down, Lily sitting snuggled against Remus and James with his arm around Sirius who was holding Anastasia. Sirius shrugged. He hadn't seen much of Peter lately. It was like he had completely vanished. Then again, he was always finding someone more powerful to conform with.

-flashback-

_"Yeah, I wouldn't mess with me if I were you," Peter snapped at the Slytherins. "I have strong friends who could beat you up." _

_Sirius came around the corner, feeling slightly used by Peter and raising his wand as he walked. "You heard him. I won't hesitate either." _

-end flashback-

"We should play chess," Remus suggested after about thirty minutes of silence. Lily and Sirius groaned. The last time they had played a fist fight had begun because they were both convinced that they were cheating.

"Bring it on, Lupin," challenged James and immediately began setting up the game. Lily and Sirius sighed and just sat there watching. Sirius, however, was really just wrapped in his own thoughts, yet somewhat wary for a punch that might be thrown randomly.

He remembered their explorations of the castle. They started out as innocent curiosity and ended up being a brilliant discovery.

-flashback-

_"This witch looks mighty suspicious to me," whispered Sirius to James._

_"How do you figure?" he responded in an equally low voice._

_"It just does," hesnapped and then began examining it closely."I wonder what she does."_

_James shrugged and said, "Only one way to find out." He tapped the witch on her hump. Suddenly Peeves came out from no where and watched the two boys._

_"Try 'dissendium'," he cackled and floated away._

-end flashback-

"I'm going to miss this," whispered Sirius unexpectedly. Lily looked at him with concern in her eyes. James and Remus stopped playing and looked at him as well.

"So am I," replied Lily, sorrow shining through her eyes. "Things will definitely be different."

Remus nodded slowly. "But we'll always be good friends. Nothing can stop that."

"Death can," muttered Sirius. James looked at him curiously but then understood immediately.

-flashback-

_"What do you fear the most?" asked James. They were sitting by the fire late after a letter from his parent's came. _

_Sirius shrugged. "I guess…what I fear most is death. Not dying necessarily, but death." _

_James looked confused. "Why do you not fear dying but fear death." _

_Sirius thought for a moment and then answered, "Death takes away the ones you care about most. If I died, then it wouldn't matter. But if you or Remus died I'd be all alone and lost. Death is a permanent way of separation." _

-end flashback-

James smiled grimly while Remus and Lily remained confused. "No one's going to die, Padfoot," he said in a reassuring way.

"No one guarantees death," replied Sirius. "One of us could die getting off of the train. Or we could die the next day of an unknown heart problem."

"Sirius, let's not think like that," Remus said softly. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm planning on living forever."

That caused them to all burst into laughter. There was always someone ready with a joke for tension relief. Several times the methods had been used to avoid disaster.

-flashback-

_"Your parents beat you?" a shocked Peter whispered. James and Remus looked at him as if they'd never seen him before. _

_"Only occasionally," he muttered defensively. _

_"Define occasionally," snapped James losing his patience. He couldn't stand that someone would hurt his best friend. _

_"Occasionally means," defined Remus, sounding like a dictionary, "now and then or here and there." _

_Sirius looked at him as if he'd lost his mind. Peter began chuckling and before anyone understood what was happening, they were all laughing at the insanity of it alluntil tears of mirthflowed down their cheeks. _

-end flashback-

The train pulled into the station slowly. James held up his hands to show that they should wait for a moment. Remus nodded and Sirius and Lily seemed to not really care. Anastasia was asleep in a baby carrier. They waited for about five minutes and then began pulling their items down.

As they made their way onto the platform, they halted and looked at each other awkwardly. This was it. They wouldn't see each other for a while. It was different than it usually would be.

"Well," James said, uncomfortable with the silence. "I guess we'll see you around."

Remus and Lily nodded and, after exchanging farewell hugs, walked off to find their families.

"Phase two, aye?" Sirius asked, glancing at James.

James looked at him and nodded. "Phase two begins now."

A.N. what's up y'all? I'm so happy. People actually like my story! Teehee. Anyways, the Lakers are winning! Bye bye.


	34. chapter 34

Chapter 34

They stayed at the Potters' house for about a month. Anastasia grew and Mrs. Potter was teaching her how to walk properly. James was out trying to decide what to do with his life and Sirius was teaching himself how to cook. It was a lot harder than it looked.

"Need some help?" asked Mrs. Potter as she walked into the kitchen, stooped over, as she was holding Ana's hands to make sure she didn't fall. Sirius saw her and grinned.

"Come here, come to daddy," he said as he knelt down. Carefully, she started to walk over to him. As she started to fall, Sirius lurched forward and scooped her up.

"Now Sirius," Mrs. Potter reprimanded, "you have to let her fall sometimes, or else she'll never learn."

Sirius rolled his eyes in response. "Yeah, does that work with cooking too? I have to let the thing blow up before I'll learn how?"

At that Mrs. Potter burst into laughter. "I guess you can try that approach, if you feel like cleaning the kitchen."

He sighed and looked back into the cook book. "I don't understand what this recipe is trying to tell me," he confessed.

Mrs. Potter looked at him and then nudged him over to look at the book. "Ah, here let me show you." She began measuring out spices and mixing it. "There," she said when she was finished. "That was what you were supposed to do."

"Gee thanks, Mrs. Potter," Sirius said sarcastically, "thanks for letting me do it myself and learning how."

She laughed and left the kitchen, taking Anastasia with her. Sirius was left grumbling and put the stuff in the dinner. "She could have just let me let it blow up…at least that would be interesting. But nooo, she decided to go and do it for me. No amusement whatsoever," he muttered as he began cleaning up. "Didn't even think to help me clean up. No consideration whatsoever."

"What's wrong now?" asked James as he walked into the kitchen.

"Nothing, I'm just in one of my complaining moods," answered Sirius as he put the spices away.

"Hmm. I think we should go find our own house."

Sirius looked up at James and drew his eyebrows together. "Our own house? And how are we buying this new house?"

James shrugged. "I'm sure we can find a way. It shouldn't be too hard."

Sirius sighed and then nodded. "I think it's a good idea. When should we start looking?"

James looked at where the food was cooking. "How long will that take?"

Sirius looked at his watch and then shrugged. "About an hour and a half."

"Let's go now and look at a few houses. I've already driven by them."

"You've been planning this, haven't you?"

"For about a month."

"Oh."

James grabbed Sirius and dragged him out of the kitchen, yelling to his mom their plan. She answered back with a warning to be back in time for dinner and then they left.

"You see," James said as they drove he pointed out a few little houses. "We don't need a big house, a little one will be just fine."

"I like littler houses anyways," responded Sirius. James smiled at that comment and pulled into the driveway of a little blue house with a nice yard.

"This one has a nice interior and is very cozy. It has two bedrooms, but one room could be transformed into a third one if we end up needing one. The kitchen's kinda small, but judging by your cooking that won't be a problem. The living room is small, but big enough for us. It seems like the perfect house so far. Not to mention it's in our price range," explained James as they got out of the car.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "We have a price range?" he asked under his breath. James either didn't hear or chose to ignore the statement. "How are we going to get in?" he asked.

James nodded his head to a car that was parked on the road. "The realtor is here. She can't wait to sell the place to us. She would have given me the key if I hadn't told her that I needed to bring it up with my fiancé."

Sirius smiled at that comment. "Poor lady. No idea who your fiancé is."

James laughed. "Not a clue."

James pushed the door open and Sirius gasped. He loved it. It was exactly how James had described it, small, cozy, and perfect! "James, I love it. Let's get it, please!"

James laughed and wrapped his arm around Sirius's waist. "Come on, let's wander around before we buy it."

"Oh, look at the cute stairs," squealed Sirius, pointing to the stairs leading up to the bedrooms.

A woman came out from a door on the right and came up to the two teenagers. "Um…so, have you made up your mind about the house?" she asked sweetly, trying to ignore the fact that James had his arm around Sirius's waist. She apparently wasn't accustomed to gay buyers.

"Actually," James looked at Sirius, who was begging James with his eyes. He laughed at him and nodded. "Yes, I think this is the perfect house for us. How much is it?"

The lady laughed lightly and led James away to the kitchen to talk business, leaving Sirius to continue wandering around. It was perfect. It was everything his home had not been while growing up. It was friendly, welcoming, warm, loving, and a home. It wasn't a house, used to boast great wealth or position, but a home that people who loved each other lived in. This would be Sirius's first home.

James came out of the kitchen, a scowl on his face. "Would you consider us pansies?" he asked Sirius, a look of frustration on his face.

Sirius laughed and nodded his head. "Yes, moron, what else could we possibly be?"

James shrugged and turned to look at the woman who was standing at the door, watching them. "Everything's set up," she said, her eyebrows raised. "All you two need to do now is move in. Have a good day." She left, leaving Sirius and James staring around their new house.

"So, that's it?" asked Sirius. He thought that it would take a long time.

"Well, I still have to go sign a few papers and make the payments obviously, but yeah, it's our house." He held up the keys and kissed Sirius on the lips. "There's just one problem."

"What's that?" asked Sirius, dreading any possible incident.

"This is a muggle street."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh well, we'll just have to be careful."

"No kidding."

James ushered Sirius out of the house, locking it behind them and they got in the car to go back to the Potter's house.

"Just in time," Mrs. Potter said as they entered the house and walked into the kitchen where she was getting out the dinner. James smiled and Sirius rolled his eyes. "So, any success?"

"We," James said, holding up the keys, "are the proud owners of a new little blue house, in a muggle residence."

Mrs. Potter smiled and nodded. "And you have sorted out how to pay for it while getting new furniture?"

"Mum, we're wizards, we don't need to buy furniture. Worst comes to worse we can just transfigure a rock into a bed," whined James.

Mrs. Potter shook her head. "It's a muggle community. Don't you think it'll look odd if you move into a completely empty house and the next day it's as if you've lived there forever?"

Sirius and James exchanged looks and shook their heads. The flaw that both of them knew would show up did. The perfect flaw for the perfect plan. "Oh well, I'll just steal the stuff from my room and then we'll transfigure everything else."

"We could say we moved in the dark," Sirius suggested. Mrs. Potter laughed at that and left to call her husband down for dinner. Anastasia was sitting in her high chair with her food in front of her. She was making a huge mess.

After dinner was done, and Ana was cleaned up, Sirius, James, and Mrs. Potter sat down to plan the wedding. "Do you want a practice dinner and a reception and…I don't know."

"A practice dinner? What's the point of that?" asked Sirius.

"To get together before the actual wedding," answered James. "I think that would be nice, but I'd really prefer a small event. Wouldn't you Siri?"

Sirius nodded and picked up Ana as she crawled over to him. "I don't want a big thing. None of my family will come, except for Andromeda and her husband. Remus, Peter, and Lily will of course be invited…"

"Anyone from our side of the family, of course," James added. "And that's about it."

Mrs. Potter nodded. "I'm assuming Remus and Peter are going to be your best men?"

James and Sirius exchanged a glance. "I don't really…Peter's great and all but…just no," explained Sirius. "I would really prefer for Lily and Remus to do it. I haven't even had a conversation with Peter since he got a girlfriend and then lost her."

Mrs. Potter nodded and got a piece of paper and pencil to write that down. "What type of food?"

"I hate anything pork," Sirius immediately said.

"And I'm okay with almost anything. I think chicken and pasta salad would be very tasty though," added James.

"And cake. And cookies. And soup. And zucchini," continued Sirius.

"Zucchini?" asked James, looking at Sirius as if he'd lost his mind.

"I happen to like zucchini, so there."

Mrs. Potter shook her head in amusement and wrote down what they were saying. "When do you want the wedding and where?"

"October," Sirius instantly said. "That's my favorite month."

James smiled slightly. "October 31," he said and Sirius nodded.

"Where?" asked James's mother.

"By the lake," Sirius said.

"What lake?" asked James.

"I don't care, a lake."

"There aren't any lakes as far as I know."

"Well then we'll just have to find one."

"How about in a normal place like a church?"

Sirius thought for a moment about that option and then shrugged. "A church is good too."

Mrs. Potter smiled and wrote everything down. "What kinda theme do you want?"

This stumped both teenagers. Theme? They had thought of everything else, down to the color of the napkins, but hadn't thought of a theme.

"Do we have to have a theme?" asked James after a few minutes of contemplation. Sirius nodded eagerly.

"No, I don't s'pose you do," answered Mrs. Potter. "It'll just make it easier to pick colors."

"Oh, we've already done that," responded Sirius. "We like cream white napkins and tablecloths."

"Red flowers in the middle of the tables and around the alter," added James.

"But not roses," said Sirius.

"I was hoping that we could use your silverware and plates and such," James begged in his own way.

Mrs. Potter absorbed everything. The two boys were more prepared than she had thought. It made her proud. "What do you want Remus and Lily to wear?" she asked.

Sirius wrinkled his nose in disgust. "They can wear whatever they bloody want to wear."

Mrs. Potter shook her head slightly at his language but nodded. "Is there anything you haven't thought of that might need to be done?"

James and Sirius exchanged glances and then Sirius nodded. "We haven't decided on what song we want to use. We have a list of about ten, but we can't narrow them down."

"Because you're so stubborn and refuse to take them off," mumbled James. Sirius shot him a look of pure venom but didn't argue.

"Let me see the list, maybe I can help," offered Mrs. Potter. Sirius nodded and pulled the list out of his pocket and handed it to his future mother-in-law.

Immediately she crossed out six of the ten songs. "There," she said in satisfaction. "Now you only have to get rid of three of the songs."

James and Sirius looked at the remaining songs on the list: _Love is the Movement, Only Hope, Let That be Enough, _and _You. _They were all songs that were from Switchfoot, but seemed to fit the lovers. James and Sirius looked at the list and then each other. "I like all of those songs," Sirius whined.

"I know, but we have to chose which one would be best. I don't think _Love is the Movement _fits."

Sirius nodded and flinched as James crossed out the name. "I don't like _You_ as much as I like the other two, so that one can be x-ed," admitted Sirius and James crossed that one out. Sirius turned his head so he wouldn't have to watch.

"_Only Hope _or _Let That be Enough_?" asked James, looking at Sirius closely.

"_Let That be Enough_," Sirius finally answered after having a mental debate with himself.

James smiled and crossed out _Only Hope_. "I was hoping you'd say that one," he smiled. Sirius kissed him on the cheek and nodded slightly.

Mrs. Potter grinned at the two boys and wrote down the song on the piece of paper. "Any other major conflicts?"

"Just one, Mrs. P.," teased Sirius.

"And what's that?" she asked, dreading everything about this new conflict.

"Should we have a vanilla or chocolate cake?"

A.N. that was a really long chapter. Oh well. I liked it. They have their own house, the wedding is planned. Life is good. Please review and thank you!


	35. chapter 35

Chapter 35

In the months leading up to the wedding, James and Sirius settled themselves into their new house and continued to teach Anastasia how to talk and walk. Lily and Remus stopped by frequently to help out or just to say hey. James and Sirius managed to establish themselves as psychotic teenagers with a daughter who liked blowing things up in their new neighborhood, but they were immediately liked.

The furniture problem had been easily averted as Remus suggested that they just get a moving truck and pretend to move things in while really using a levitating charm. That way the could pretend to be lifting it while not really doing anything. And once they had moved their things from the Potters' house to their own, they simply transfigured things into furniture, like the rock into the couch. The did, however, decide to go out and buy a widescreen television with an excellent sound system. It was James's firm belief that technology and magic were _not _meant to be mixed.

Both James and Sirius loved their house. Anastasia had her own room, which gave the two boys freedom to do whatever they wanted to do in their own room. The kitchen was filled with tasty, but not always healthy, food and the table was usually covered in some assortment of crap. Recently it had been applications for James to be accepted into a school to train Aurors.

Now it was nearing the wedding day and both Sirius and James were starting to freak out. They wanted everything to be perfect and that was driving them crazy. Lily had been uncertain as to what to wear and Remus was complaining about wearing a tux and freaking out about being the best man. Anastasia didn't like her new pink dress and Mrs. Potter kept on changing her mind as to which one she wanted to wear.

They were uncertain as to how they would get enough food. While James was a good cook, he had other things that needed to be done. Mrs. Potter could cook but refused to cook for such a large group and important event. Caterers cost a lot of money for them and they didn't want to spend it on that. Everything was adding up to a lot of money. The napkins in themselves cost about 25 and the flowers were 62. All in all no one really had any reason to panic. Things were running smoothly.

Until the week before the wedding.

Sirius got sick from going shopping for a dress for Lily. She had procrastinated on buying something until then and had decided to go shopping on a cold, snowy day. So Sirius had gone with her and had told her which one looked the best, which was a green one that had a sash around the waist and went well with Lily's emerald eyes and auburn hair. However, not only didSiriusend up spending a lot of money to help Lily pay forher dress,Sirius got a fever and a cold out of that trip.

"Are you going to be well in time for our wedding?" asked James as he sat beside Sirius who was in bed.

Sirius coughed and then shrugged. "I don't know. I'd better or else I think I'll cry."

James smiled slightly at that and got up as he heard the door open. It was probably Lily and Remus. They had promised to stop in that day to go over some last minute planning. "I'll be back."

-dun dun dun-

The rest of the week went by and it was the night before the wedding. Sirius was still ill, only it had gotten worse. He had a really high fever now and was sometimes delirious. James knew that it was an incredibly bad idea to get married while Sirius was in that condition so he hadcalled the church andhad postponed the date ofthe wedding for the time being.

James spent most of his time sitting next to Sirius, hoping that he would get better. At the time being, he had a fever of 103 and was tossing and turning in his sleep. The door opened behind him and he turned around to see Lily and Remus entering. Lily had Anastasia in her arms and stayed near the door. "Is he doing any better?" asked Remus, coming to stand next to James.

James stood up and shook his head. "If he's doing any better I can't see the difference."

Remus patted him on the back and then pulled him out of the room. "You need to get out of the house, mate. You've done nothing but sit there next to Sirius. You don't need to catch what he has. Come on, why don't we go out and…I don't know, shop. That'll be fun. We could take Anastasia and go find something nice for Padfoot for when he wakes up."

"I don't want to leave Sirius alone, though," James said after thinking about it for a moment. "Plus, I hate shopping."

Lily shook her head slightly. "I'll stay here and watch him. You two need some time together. Go on, and have fun. I'll make sure things don't fall apart here. You should go to the muggle mall in town."

Remus nodded and bodily dragged James out of the house after grabbing Anastasia from Lily's arms. Lily made sure that James wasn't going to attempt to run back into the house and then walked up the stairs to supervise Sirius. When she walked in, she saw that Sirius was awake and staring around him. When she entered, Sirius looked up and smiled slightly.

"Hey, Lils," he said, his voice sounding raspy and unused. "Where are James and Ana?"

She smiled and sat down next to him. "They went out with Remus for a while. They'll be back after a while."

Sirius smiled and coughed. "Are you ever going to just marry the guy?" he asked, sounding sly.

Lily blushed and shrugged. "If he asks me I'll probably say yes. Until then, though, I'm just his girlfriend."

Sirius laughed and coughed again. This time it took a while to stop. Lily looked around and found a pitcher of water. After pouring it, she handed it to Sirius who accepted it and drank it up greedily. "How long have I been sick?" he asked after draining the glass.

She shrugged again. "About a week," she said. A wave of emotions passed over his face.

"The wedding?" he whispered.

"You're too sick," she responded.

"How do you figure?"

"You have a high temperature, you look like shit, and your voice is so raspy that we wouldn't be able to understand you when you say 'I do'."

"I could too say 'I do'. See there? I said-I look like shit? What do I look like?" he asked.

She laughed and then replied, "You're face is pale, you have shadows under your eyes, you look like you've not slept well for months, and your hair is unkempt and too long."

He thought about that for a moment then indignantly said, "Hey, my hair is always long."

"Exactly."

-doodely doo-

"Why are we shopping?" asked James, frustration in his voice.

"Don't you want something pretty for your daughter and something nice for your fiancé?" retorted Remus.

"Well, yeah, but what does it matter if Sirius dies from his high fever?"

Remus sighed in frustration. "Sirius is not going to die."

"If you say so," he muttered and led the way into a baby store. They browsed without really caring, but Remus found a really cute shirt and pant suit and James found a pretty blue dress that they absolutely had to buy for Ana, who was asleep in her stroller.

"What should we get for Sirius?" asked James as they left the baby store.

Remus shrugged and then nodded towards a music store. "He likes music. Maybe you can get him a nifty cd."

"Hmm, which cd did you get him?" asked James as they entered the store.

" _New Way to be Human_ by Switchfoot," answered Remus as they began to browse through all of the cds.

"Oh. We could give him the _Beautiful Letdown,_ also by Switchfoot," suggested James. Remus looked at the cd that he held out and then he picked up a P.O.D. cd.

"_Satellite _is an awesome cd, though," said Remus, holding it up for James to see as he perused for a different one. James shrugged and then wandered around into other sections, pushing Ana as he went.

"Think he would like the Beatles?"

"I doubt it," Remus answered, looking through Relient K's cds.

"Can I help you?" a saleswoman who looked thoroughly bored asked James. Her gaze was filled with mild interest.James rolled his eyes and slightly while shaking his head."Are you sure? You look like you need _something."_

Jamespicked up the not-so-subtle hint and glared at her, now completely annoyed. "I'm sorry, but I really do have everything I could possibly want right now. You see, I'm in love with the most incredible man on the planet. And he loves me too. Infact, would you like to meet our daughter? We love her both dearly. Who knows, maybe I'll bring him here to find a cd and you can meet him then."

The saleswoman looked like she had swallowed a lemon and walked off with as much dignity as her embarressment would allow. Remus, who had stayed away during the confrontation due to the fact that he wasnot in the mood to deal with annoying salespeople, walked over, a smile spreading on his face.He chuckled athis friend. "That was a bit...I don't know, blunt?"

James shrugged andresponded, "Serves her right, trying to get a date out of me. Anyways, let's forget aboutthat not so happy confrontation and decide which cds to buy."

"Well," thought out Remus, "what do you think we should get?"

Jamesthought about it carefully and then suggested, "We should get him the P.O.D. cd and the Switchfoot cd."

Remuslooked at him and smiled. "That's the first brilliant idea I've heard from you in a long time!"

James looked insulted by that, but didn't argue as Remus led the way to the counter, where they bought the cds from a very disgruntled salsewoman. They left the store, and after careful deliberation, decided that they should return home before Lily got bored out of her mind and they spent too much money. They walked back to the house, talking about random things and entered the house, getting Ana out of the stroller and laying their purchases by the door.

"Lily?" called James. She didn't reply, but they heard her talking in Sirius's room. Intrigued as to why Lily would be talking to someone who was supposed to be asleep, they walked up to the room and opened the door. She was sitting there to Sirius, arguing with him about knowledge and ignorance.

"How can you say that? Knowledge is power, power corrupts. So how is that better than ignorance?" Lily snapped.

"Well, you're trying to take the easy way out with ignorance is bliss. However, if we want to be successful in the slightest bit, then we have to know something," retorted Sirius.

"Well, I agree that we have to have some amount of knowledge, but that doesn't mean we need to be building bombs with our knowledge. We could be using it to help people instead of blowing them up."

"But some people deserve to be blown up!"

"Like who?"

"Snape."

Remus and James burst into laughter. The last thing they expected was for Sirius to be wide awake and arguing with Lily about something completely pointless. "How about knowledge is okay as long as you don't let it take control of everything," suggested James, eager to avoid a bad argument.

Lily and Sirius thought about that for a moment. It didn't seem to suit either of them. James sighed. "At least agree to disagree."

They both smiled and said, "Agreed."

A.N. yep, I support Lily's side in that argument. That was an argument that I had with one of my cousin's friends. Very interesting person, if wrong. Lol. Anyways, please review and tell me what your view on that is...and the chapter. Please. Thank you!


	36. chapter 36

Chapter 36

The newly scheduled wedding was drawing near. Now the date was set for November 11. Sirius had gotten increasingly better after his argument with Lily. Lily explained it later as sometimes it just took a rousing discussion to get a person better. Whatever it was that had gotten Sirius well, James was extremely happy. He hated it when the person he loved was ill or hurt.

Now, however, they were once again approaching the wedding which meant nerves once again were being pressed, pulled, and stretched past toleration. In the week before the wedding James and Sirius had gotten into quite a few heated arguments that resulted in one of the storming out of the house and coming back about an hour later to apologize. Sirius had decided to take Anastasia to James's parents' house so she wouldn't be subjected to loud arguments while she was trying to sleep. Not to mention their profanity was rather bad.

Remus and Lily came by frequently, as they had the week before the wedding when it was in October. Now, however, the main reason of their visits was to reassure them that everything was going to be alright. James and Sirius had had way too much time to dwell on their upcoming wedding and it was terrifying them that something might go wrong. Dwelling on something was generally a bad thing.

"Something bad is gonna happen," chanted Sirius while he was pacing in the hallway. It was the day of the wedding and it was the most beautiful day that they'd seen in a long time. Typical November happy day. Sirius, though, was not dwelling on that. "I can feel it. Something bad is gonna happen."

Lily came out of the side door and watched him for a moment before bursting out into laughter. "Sirius, calm down. What could possibly happen?"

Sirius stopped and looked at her. "I don't know. The cake could blow up, the food could taste bad, the rings might be wrong, the guests might be rude and loud, the napkin colors could be off, the flowers could die, James might change his mind, the-"

"Sirius," she interrupted sternly, "stop right there. Chances of the cake blowing up are slim to none, the food is excellent because I made it, the rings can't be wrong because Remus got them and he's a perfectionist, the guests are your friends and James's family with your cousin, and I doubt they'll be rude or loud, and if the napkin colors are off, who cares? The flowers are fresh so they won't die. And lastly, James wouldn't change his mind _ever._ Why, after putting up with you for the last month, would he change his mind now? It's not even logical."

Sirius looked at her strangely. "Things didn't sound so implausible until you gave logical reasons against them. Hmm, very well. Maybe a disaster won't happen, but what if my family comes? It would be so typical of them to come and ruin a day that was very important to me."

"I highly doubt something like that would happen," Lily said, looking at Sirius with a small frown on her face at the thought of his parents.

"Maybe," he sighed and then glanced at his watch. "Oh shit! I have to go get dressed and make sure that Mrs. Potter has Anastasia all dressed. And then I have to get directions to the church and make sure the food got there alright-hey wait, did you say that you cooked it?"

Lily smiled and nodded. "Yes I did. Don't worry, unlike you, I happen to be an excellent cook. Now go get dressed and I'll wait down here. I know where the church is and I was told to give you a lift there. James and Remus should already be there. As for Anastasia, Mrs. Potter is possibly the most reliable woman I've ever known. She'll have Ana ready and beautiful. You however, are still in your pajamas. Go change now."

Sirius nodded and rushed up the stairs, taking them two at a time. About fifteen minutes of impatient waiting later, Sirius rushed down the stairs and grabbed Lily by the arm. "We're late, we're late, we're late," he chanted over and over. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Sirius, we're on time. In fact, we're a little bit early. Get in the limo now," she ordered, pushing him into the long black car.

"A limo?" he asked as he sat down inside.

"Yes, now let me fix your neglected hair." He turned around and Lily pulled out a brush from her bag to straighten up his tangled locks. "Is it alright if I tie it back?" she asked. He nodded slightly and she did as she asked. "There, if I wasn't in love with Remus and if you were straight, I think I'd marry you myself."

Sirius laughed at that. "First of all, you and Remus look perfect together. Second of all, I'm as bent as a snapped toothpick."

Relieved that she was able to calm Sirius down a bit, she laughed along and the rest of the limo ride went along smoothly.

Remus, however, was having a harder time trying to calm James down. He was pacing as Sirius had, but instead of just chanting something's going to go wrong, he was naming every little problem that could occur in excruciating detail. The problem was that Remus had far less patience than Lily had and James was driving him crazy.

"You know," he said, shaking his head, "when I get married, you're going to be my best man, if only so you will experience the torture that you're putting me through."

James stopped for a moment and looked at his friend apologetically. "I'm sorry, I just can't stop thinking that something will go wrong. You know, Murphy's law: 'everything bad that can happen will happen'."

Remus nodded and sighed. "James, you need to calm down. I'm surprised that you haven't bolted from the room on account of your nervousness. Really, I don't know why you're so worried."

"He could say no," he retorted.

"You proposed, he said yes. He's not going to say no now, after all of the amazing things that you've done for him. It's just not conceivable," reassured Remus while trying not to blow up at the stupidity of one of his best friends.

"He could have said no then too."

"BUT HE DIDN'T!" shouted Remus, finally losing it. Calming himself, he pat James on the back. "I'm sorry, James, but I can't even imagine him saying no. The odds are like one to 500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000."

James looked at Remus and then nodded abruptly. "You're right, I'm being foolish. Things are just fine. Things won't go wrong. Everything's going to be just fine. Nothing bad will happen." He sat down in a chair slowly, breathing in and out deeply as if meditating.

Remus watched him and then shook his head. It was hopeless. James was a lost case. The door opened and Lily walked in looking stressed but composed. "Everything alright in here?"

"Nothing bad will happen. Everything's going to be just fine. Things won't go wrong. Things are just fine. Nothing bad will happen. Everything's…" James muttered over and over again.

Lily looked at him in concern, but turned to Remus for an explanation. "You'd think he was marrying into royalty the way he was so nervous, instead of his best friend."

Lily smiled. "Sirius was like that too. I managed to calm him down. He's waiting out in the hall for the wedding to start."

James bolted up. "Start? Now? The wedding? I'm not ready. What do I say. What if he says no? What if the cake explodes? What if the flowers are roses? What if the colors don't match? What if I trip and fall and embarrass myself and Sirius? What if I forget what I'm supposed to say? What if-"

"What if Chicken Little was right and the sky fell down, aye?" asked Remus in frustration. Lily smiled at that. James, however, seemed to be pondering it.

"Then we'd all be dead," he answered slowly, "and then I wouldn't have to go through with this."

Lily groaned. "You are the one who _proposed_. This is _your_ wedding day. You're supposed to _want _to do this."

James nodded at that comment. "I want to do this. Everything will be okay. Nothing bad will happen."

"Oh come on," Remus snapped, grabbing James by the shoulder and lead him out the door. Sirius was standing right there and seemed to be calm enough. James looked at him but didn't get the chance to say anything as Remus led him right by his fiancé. Lily came out behind them and glanced at Sirius.

"What was that?" he asked her.

She smiled. "Let's just say he was slightly worse off than you," she replied and then hooked her arm around his and went the direction that Remus and James had just gone.

They went to the front of the church where everyone was sitting, now waiting for Sirius and Lily to arrive, as James and Remus were already at the alter. They paused at the closed doors. Sirius glanced at Lily. "I'm escorting you," Lily said, a laugh in her voice. "Remus walked up with James, so I'm walking up with you." Sirius laughed. "Ready?"

A nervous look crossed across his face again, but he quickly shook it off and nodded. "Bring it on," he muttered and she pushed open the door. Everyone turned to look at them and he smiled brightly.

"Smile, this is a happy day," she mumbled through gritted teeth.

"I am smiling," he retorted the same way she had.

Before long they were at the alter. Sirius stepped up with James while Lily and Remus went to the side. The priest watched them approach and cleared his throat. The wedding was underway. Then they got to the vows.

"Do you, James Potter, take Sirius Black as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in help from now 'til death do you part?"

James took a deep breath and then nodded. "I do."

"Do you, Sirius Black, take James Potter as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in help from now 'til death do you part?"

Sirius smiled brilliantly and nodded as well. "Of course I do."

The priest grinned at Sirius's answer and then said, "I now pronounce you man and…well, man. You may now kiss each other."

James and Sirius laughed, but moved together and kissed, short but meaningful.

la la la-

"See, did one bad thing happen?" asked Lily as they sat down together to eat. James shrugged in response while Sirius shook his head.

"No, nothing did happen, but that doesn't mean that something couldn't have happened."

Remus and Lily laughed. "So what's it like, being married?" asked Remus.

James shrugged again. "Not really different, except now I have a hunk of metal around my finger."

Sirius smiled. "You chose it."

"It was either this or an even thicker one!"

Sirius laughed and kissed him on the cheek. "Be good."

"So, when are the newlyweds going to dance to their carefully chosen song?" asked Lily playfully.

"When the music comes on," responded Sirius.

James laughed. "Good answer."

"You two will never change will you?" a disbelieving Remus exclaimed.

"Never," they responded simultaneously.

Just then music sounded and someone said over a loud speaker, "If the newlyweds would like to come and dance to their song, the rest of the party can begin."

Sirius and James laughed. It was a recording of Remus's voice. "Why'd you do a recording?"

He shrugged. "I was hungry. Now go dance."

James and Sirius stood up. James offered his hand to Sirius, who graciously accepted it and they walked gracefully out onto the dance floor. As the song began, they started dancing, the lyrics flowing around them.

They spun around in circles, letting the music drift over and between them. They were both completely engrossed in each other, neither wanting the moment to end.

The song ended and Sirius and James looked into each others eyes. For some odd reason, that song was perfect.

"We should send Switchfoot a letter, thanking them for that brilliant song," whispered James. Sirius nodded against James's shoulder. He loved being there in James's arms. It was the most perfect place to be.

"Thank you James," he whispered into his ear.

James backed up slightly. "Why?" he asked, dumbfounded. What had he done?

"For everything. For the way you love me, for the way you make me feel, for…for being all that I need." He smiled. "You are enough."

A.N. I'm such a sucker for romance…and pain. Sorry that the wedding wasn't really accurate. I have no idea as to how long weddings are or what happens other than the vows. Please forgive me for that and review. Thanks!


	37. chapter 37

Wow, I don't know whether I should be offended or amused. Hmm…once again, if you don't like the theme, idea, or general content of this story, please don't read it, because you really have no right to complain. It's not brain science. If you don't like it, don't participate in it! Also, I want to thank Gaea Athene (even though you're probably not reading this). I loved your review. Thank you so much! Your review made my day.

Chapter 37

The honeymoon was beautiful, although they didn't really do much other than stay in the hotel room having "fun". However, when did they did go out they experienced the beautiful lands of Italy. It was actually James's decision to go there, as he always wanted to see why Italians have the best food. Now he knew why. Rather bad reason to go to a place, in Sirius's opinion, but he didn't really care where they went as long as they were together. They left Anastasia with Mrs. Potter so it had been just the two of them.

The honeymoon was over though. It was back to facing reality. Back to paying off the bills for the house, back to trying to find a decent job, back to raising a feisty toddler. Anastasia was now walking around the house and trying to be a parrot. Although she failed frequently with copying their words precisely, she had adopted a new favorite word. When it was least expected, Ana would come up to a person and simply yell out, "Fuck!"

Of course Sirius and James wondered where she got it from. Both of them were extremely cautious about their language when around their daughter because they didn't want her picking up bad habits. However, how do you punish an almost two year old for something she doesn't know is wrong? They quickly discovered that Mr. Potter did not have the cleanest mouth when around anyone. They reprimanded him and no more bad words came home with Ana.

Now it was December again. Sirius and James were lying in bed. Sirius was awake and James was still fast asleep, muttering about the chicken and how his life should be spared. Sirius shook his head slightly at his husband and laughed. They had celebrated his nineteenth birthday by apparating to California, America in hopes to go to Disneyland. It was a lot more expensive than they had expected, but they had gotten away with apparating and paid the admission cost. They had all had an incredible time, going on several rides like _Pirates of the Caribbean_ and of course the ever famous _Dumbo_ ride. They had rented a wheel chair for Sirius and the baby in order to get to the front of the line faster. Not to mention Sirius was still getting exhausted easily. A few people had been angry about their obvious faking of illness, but they couldn't do anything about it as Sirius had a medical record on him that stated that he was prone to bouts of exhaustion and might need rest randomly.

So Sirius was lying in bed thinking about that day when he felt the need to throw up. He got up and rushed to the bathroom. Behind him he could hear James sitting up groggily and asking, "Sirius, what's wrong?"

The only response he got was the sound of vomiting. He got up and walked over to see what was wrong with his husband. He was hunched over the toilet throwing up, trying to keep his hair back with one hand and holding his aching stomach with his other hand. James sighed and gently pulled back Sirius's raven black locks of hair. He loved Sirius's hair. It was so beautiful.

Once Sirius had vomited until there was nothing left, he sat back against the wall, coughing slightly. Concerned, James sat down next to him and gently placed his hand onto Sirius's forehead. "Do you feel alright?" he asked.

Sirius turned and glared at him. "What do you think? I just vomited my stomach out and I feel just fine. Goodness James."

James laughed at that. of course he wasn't feeling too good. "Sorry, Siri. I don't know what I was thinking. Do you think you're having a relapse?"

"I highly doubt it, considering that was over a month ago," he retorted and stood up suddenly. He got dizzy and leaned against the wall for support until it passed. Then he went to the sink and poured himself a glass of water to get the taste of vomit out of his mouth. "I think I'm just…I don't know. I'll be fine."

Unconvinced, James nodded. He didn't really want to start an argument, plus he could hear Ana crying, trying to get out of her crib. "Blood child," muttered Sirius under his breath as he tied his hair back with a hair band.

James smiled at that comment and went out to see what was wrong. "Hey Ana," he greeted her, walking into her room. She looked very disgruntled at being ignored for so long. "I'm sorry. Your daddy was having some technical difficulty."

She raised her arms, showing that she wanted out of her crib. He lifted her up and set her on the floor. She fell to her knees and started crawling over to the toys that she had in her corner. James smiled as he watched her. She was so like Sirius that it was scary. Sirius walked into the room and watched his daughter. "Any bad words yet?" he asked.

James shook his head. "Nah, she hasn't said anything yet. She will, but for now, I say we leave her to her toys and go eat breakfast."

"You know, I still don't like leaving her alone up here," Sirius protested as James pushed him from the room and down the stair. He sighed and sat at the table.

"I'm going to make you a delicious breakfast," announced James. He began pulling out eggs and hash browns.

Sirius sighed. As much as he loved him, James could be an idiot sometimes. "James, honey, you are aware that I just threw up and as such am not incredibly hungry," he said.

James nodded, but didn't stop cooking. "I know that, but you need to eat anyways to keep your strength up.

"If you say so," he muttered in response and stood up as an owl knocked at the window. He let it in and watched as it flew inside. It hooted softly as Sirius took the letter off of its leg and flew out the window. "Hmm, this is for you James," he said, reading the back of it. "It looks highly official."

James glanced over at Sirius and replied, "Open it and read it to me."

Sirius shrugged and opened the letter. "It says, 'Mr. Potter, you are accepted to the school of Aurors. This school is highly prestigious and gives only the best training for young wizards or witches who are interested in this occupation. Classes begin on the second of January. Sincerely….a lot of names.' Wow James. I didn't know that you actually sent in the applications."

James shrugged as he continued cooking. "I sent it in while you were ill. I didn't think you should be bothered with something so trivial at the time. So I got accepted?"

"That's what it says."

"Awesomeness!"

Sirius shook his head slightly. James finished cooking breakfast and came to set it in front of them. Ana came down the stairs and began poking Sirius just as he was about to eat, despite his protesting stomach. "What do you want, sweetie?" he asked his daughter, leaning in close to her. She pointed her finger and tugged on his sleeve. Sirius looked at James apologetically and followed her out into the other room. "Thanks a lot, kid," he whispered, a smile coming across his face. "I really did not want to eat that."

"I heard that, Siri," came James's voice from the kitchen. Both Ana and Sirius giggled at that.

A.N.-I'm tired. School sucks. Reality is hell. Please review. Thanks a bunch.


	38. chapter 38

I'm not sure how people are going to react to this, but yeah...I don't care. lol. Sorry if none of you like this new development.

Chapter 38

"I'm pregnant. Hey guess what James, I'm pregnant. Yeah, did you know that when you fucked the shit out of me during our honeymoon you got me pregnant? Didn't you always say you wanted another baby? Well, you get one 'cause I'm pregnant." Sirius sighed and sunk into the chair by the television. Anastasia was playing with one of her teddy bears and wasn't paying any attention to Sirius.

He'd just gone to see the doctor. After a month of throwing up each morning, he had had a vague idea what was going on, but wanted to be told by a professional at St. Mungos. He had gotten his answer and was deemed two months pregnant. Now he had to tell James. He didn't know whether or not James would be happy. After all, they already had one toddler, who was almost two. The last thing that Sirius really wanted was another baby, although he knew that he would welcome the newborn child. However, he didn't know if James would want to deal with that while he was trying to go through his Auror training school. That was where he was right then, and for the first time in forever, Sirius was dreading his coming home. He did not want to tell James about the pregnancy.

"Would you like a new sibling," he asked Ana, who looked up at Sirius curiously.

"Daddy," she said, standing up and walking over to him. He smiled and picked her up. Her hair was now longer, about shoulder length, and her grey eyes were already twinkling with mischief.

He gently stroked her hair. "You're going to cause me a lot of trouble when you go to Hogwarts, aren't you? Always playing around, pulling pranks, flirting with the boys." He laughed. "You're going to be just like James and me aren't you?" She giggled and cooed as an answer. Sirius set her back down and watched her play. She was so innocent and unsuspecting of the cruel world around her. Sirius envied her. He desperately wished that he was innocent and didn't know the cruelty of people, and how cruel they were to each other.

He sighed again and stood up, stretching out his arms as he did. _"I think I'm gonna write something,_" he thought as he walked upstairs to get his notebook. After finding it and a pencil, he walked back down the stairs to find Ana much in the same position, playing with her toys. He smiled and sat back down into the chair. Opening the notebook, Sirius began to write:

_Freedom_

_What would you do  
__What would you be  
__What would you say  
__If just to be free_

_Where would you go  
__Where would you flee  
__Where you hide  
__If just to be free_

_Who would you hurt  
__Who would you leave  
__Who would you change  
__If just to be free_

_There's so much to do  
__So much to see  
__So much to love  
__If you were just free _

Sirius read it over and then wrote with a flourish at the top his name and the title, _Freedom_. He smiled slightly. He could definitely relate to it, but then again, he did write it so that made sense. Anastasia walked over and tried to grab the notebook from him. He smiled and held it out of her reach. "Come on, I'll read you a poem that daddy wrote."

_Falling Down_

_Falling down  
__Icannot scream  
__As I fall down  
__In my dream_

_Falling down  
__I beg and plead  
__To anyone  
__To just help me_

_Falling down  
__My cheeks grow warm  
__For the self-pride  
__I have no more_

_Falling down  
__I see the light  
__And my heart jumps  
__In pure delight _

_Falling down  
__Then I am caught  
__By the one  
__That I forgot_

_Standing up  
__I face the crowd  
__And talk to them  
__About falling down._

Anastasia squealed in delight and clapped her tiny hands in delight. From behind them, a voice said, "Very nice, I didn't know you wrote poetry while I wasn't around. What else do you do?"

Sirius spun around and grinned. James stood there looking tired but happy. "Well, what do you want me to do while I'm bored out of my mind waiting for you to come home?" He shrugged and sat down on the couch across from Sirius and Ana. "Ana can only say so many things, after all."

"I don't know. You could cook dinner, clean, teach Ana how to use clean language, etc."

"Ha-ha-ha. Classic housewife scenario. Dream on Potter."

James laughed and then settled into the couch. Ana got off of Sirius and walked over to her other dad and sat on his lap. Sirius's smile faltered as he remembered what he had to tell James. "Um, James, I went to the doctor today."

James looked at him, a frown crossing over his face. "What'd he say?" Although Sirius and James had been together had been together for the last pregnancy, James had been a part of the pregnancy until later so he didn't really know anything about morning sickness. As such, he had no idea what was really wrong with his husband. He had his suspicions, but they weren't more than that.

"Well, it turns out that I'm pregnant," Sirius said as casually as he could as he leaned back in his seat. Inside he was wondering what to do if James completely rejected the child. In the end, all of his worrying was for nothing.

James smiled at his comment and stood up to walk over to Sirius, leaving Ana on the couch looking disgruntled. "That's great news, Siri!" he exclaimed, kissing him on the forehead. "I cant wait!"

Sirius gave a quick laugh and scoot over to make room for him to sit down. He did so and stroked Sirius's hair back from his forehead. "I was afraid that you wouldn't want to have a baby right now. I mean we have Ana already and you're trying to get through your school thing."

James smiled and kissed him on the top of the head. "I could never reject any part of you, and that would include your children, born or otherwise."

Sirius laughed and leaned into his husband's comforting embrace. Anastasia, feeling left out, came over to crawl onto their laps. James bent down and picked her up, setting her on his lap. She smiled and leaned into his embrace as well. "I'm glad you're happy about this," Sirius said softly.

James grinned and kissed Anastasia on her forehead. "Well, if this new kid is anything like Ana, we'll not only have the most awesome experience raising her, but also the biggest headache at the end of each day.

A.N. another baby, another day. -groans- the two poems up above are mine. They're not yours, not your friend's, not Orlando Bloom's, MINE! Lol. Anyways, please review and thanks a bunch for sticking with my story.


	39. chapter 39

Chapter 39

February rolled around, leaving Sirius at three months. Ana continued to grow into the most adorable child on the planet, while causing as much mischief and trouble that her little mind could think about. It surprised both James and Sirius how similar she was to Sirius. Not only in appearance but also in personality. James continued his school, doing very well and expecting to get a job soon. Sirius was going to look for a job, but decided that while he was pregnant that would be a very bad idea. However, whenever Sirius needed some time away from his daughter, he would either take her to the Potters' house for Mrs. Potter to watch over her, or to Lily and Remus's house. On January 20, Remus had proposed to Lily, who had accepted. Their wedding was set for April 21, but they were already planning it, down to what color the napkins would be.

Meanwhile, Sirius was at the doctor, making certain that he and the baby were both alright.

"Well, Sirius, you've been doing everything right from what I can tell," the doctor said as Sirius hopped off of the table to stand up. "You're eating healthy, not doing anything that could possibly hurt either of you, and not getting overly stressed about things. I see no reason why something should be wrong."

"Thanks, doc," Sirius said, smiling at his name for his doctor. He hated it and Sirius knew it. "So, I'll see you in another month?"

"Yep, unless you have some weird complication or any questions."

Sirius smiled and left the office, ready to go home. However, he could not apparate as he didn't feel it safe to apparate while pregnant. So he was stuck taking the train back to their house. He boarded it and settled back with a sigh. It was going to be a long trip.

dun dun dun

James sat at home, flipping through channels in a very bored fashion. He was all alone and it was his own fault. His mother had been by to ask if she could take Ana for a shopping trip and he had foolishly said yes, forgetting that Sirius would be gone for most of the day. He stood up in frustration.

"There's gotta be something interesting to do," he snarled to himself and began wandering around the house to find something to do. He wandered into his bedroom and lay down on the bed. There was a book sitting next to Sirius's side of the bed. He picked it up curiously. It was Sirius's journal. After glancing around to make certain that no one was around, he opened it. He knew that it was wrong, but he really was bored. Plus, what Sirius didn't know couldn't hurt him, right?

He turned it to the first page. It was dated July 14 and read:

_I can't believe this is happening, every night. I get beaten, raped, and verbally abused. I used to say I feared nothing but death, but I do now. I fear this pain, this hurt, this humiliation. And the funny thing is that I can't do anything about it. I've also learned that I fear rejection. Not from my family, they're not worth worrying about, but James…I have always loved him and now he'll never want to be with someone like me. I had had hopes after he...ah, but what does it matter. I hear footsteps on the stairs. It's funny how this experience has heightened my awareness to every little movement or noise. _

James stopped reading it and flipped back a few pages. The date was August 15. It read:

_This is my life. This is what I've been reduced to. Is it even worth it? Not really. I won't die though, I won't give up. That would make them happy. I'm going to defeat them someday and they'll regret what they've always done to me. Happy thoughts…tomorrow I get to go to Diagon Alley to get my items for Hogwarts. It's only fifteen days away! I don't know if I'll actually survive until then…_

James growled in anger as he turned the pages until he found the date September 2.

_I'm back at Hogwarts, but both Remus and James notice that something is wrong. I don't want to explain it to them, especially James. I don't want to see the pity shining through their eyes. I know they'll find out someday, but does it have to be now? I'm so tired, but if I sleep I'll dream and if I dream it'll most likely be a nightmare about what happened. Maybe I'll just stay up all night. _

James smiled and turned the page.

_James knows. I told him last night. Thing is, he doesn't seem horrified. In fact, he told me that he liked me too. I accidentally let that slip while I was yelling at him. I love him so much. I'm so glad that I have a best friend like him._

September 19

_I'm pregnant with my rapists child. I don't know what to do. I can't raise a child! I can barely take care of myself. I can't kill it though. That would be so cruel. But…what if James doesn't want a baby? After all, I'm ruining his life already. A baby would destroy everything. But…_

James sighed and flipped to the back almost. The date was February 12.

_Miserable children! They won't stop kicking and it hurts. I can't wait until they're out of me. Ha, how ironic. I know I'll miss them once they're gone. I'm so happy. I can't wait. I'm still not ready to be a parent, but considering I had no choice in the matter, I'm ready! Or as ready as I'm going to get. Oh the excitement. _

June 13

_James celebrated my birthday in the most perfect way possible. He's way too good for me, even if he won't admit it. He put a blindfold over my eyes and led me around to all of the places that were important to me. I loved it. It was so different and it brought back excellent memories that I never want to forget. I will though, someday, I'll forget all of the awesome things that have happened to me and all that will be left of me is an empty black hole that replays the horrible scenes of my life. I cannot imagine forgetting that, but as it is I'm already forgetting what we've done at Hogwarts. I dread the day when I can't remember anything…_

James frowned. Why would Sirius forget about the fun at Hogwarts? It didn't seem possible. Most of the good times that they had had were still fresh, engraved in James's mind. He went back a few pages to May 3.

_We had a fight. And it's all my fault. Good. I couldn't let my family hurt the Potters. I could never do that to them. But Ana…I love her so much. I hate letting her go. But why should she suffer because her dad is the failure of the family? I can't got home though. I don't know what to do. I broke my boyfriend's heart and basically threw my daughter away. Maybe I'll just run away. Hey, that's a good idea. Ha, I've gotta go pack! _

"What are you doing?" a cold voice asked. James looked up and saw a barely contained Sirius standing above him.

"I'm um…I don't know actually. You see there was nothing to do and it was just sitting here. You know, you should really consider locking your diary journal thing. It's very tempting. I don't really have-"

"I didn't think that I needed to lock it!" he shouted, angrier than James had ever seen him. "I trusted you. That's my private journal, my private thoughts. And while, if you had asked to read it, I probably would have said yes, you didn't. Those are my thoughts that I intended to share with you on my own time, not when you decide, 'hey I'm bored, let's see what Sirius has been thinking for the past two years'."

With that, he spun on his heel, fully intending to leave. James got up and rushed after him. He had screwed up royally, he had to apologize. Sirius was walking down the stairs and grabbed his coat. "I'll be at Lily's and Remus's," he said, without turning around. And he left.

James stood on the stairs, wondering what had just happened.

A.N. oh well. Arguments happen. Please review, and thanks!


	40. chapter 40

Chapter 40

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! Lily and Remus looked up from their dinner. Who could that be? People seldom knocked on their door. Lily shrugged and got up. Slowly, she pulled the door open. You couldn't be too cautious anymore. When the door was opened, Lily gasped in surprise. Sirius stood there, looking angry, betrayed, and sad.

"Come in, what's wrong?" she asked. Sirius stepped inside and smiled his thanks. Remus looked at his friend from where he was sitting and looked confused. Why wasn't he home with James?

"What's wrong, Siri?" he asked his dark haired friend as he sat down across from him. Lily bustled off to get something for him to eat and drink.

Sirius shook his head slightly and stared at his hands. "It's really stupid, now that I think about it," he muttered as he looked up. "I just got so mad. He had no right, and… he didn't even consider my feelings."

"What did James do now?" asked Lily as she set down the plate of food in front of him and sat down between him and Remus.

Sirius just shook his head slightly. "He read my journal. My private journal. The one that I've been recording my thoughts and feelings into since I was raped by my father and Jacob. And he read it. I would have shared those thoughts with him eventually, I just wasn't ready to just yet."

Lily nodded sympathetically. "I'm sorry. You should go back home and talk about it with him. It was an honest screw up. He didn't mean to hurt you."

Sirius sighed and nodded. He knew that he should do that, but he didn't want to forgive his husband so quickly. Give him a few hours to sweat it over. "He really hurt me though."

Remus stood up and took his plate to the sink. "I'll go talk to him, if you'd like," offered Lily as she followed Remus. Sirius watched her and then drew his eyebrows together in thought.

"Would you?" he asked, uncertain as if he really wanted to get them so involved. They already were though. "I don't know what he'll say, or what it really matters."

Lily smiled in a secretive way that made her emerald green eyes shine like she had an idea forming in her intelligent mind. "I'll just make him see the wrongness of what he's done to you."

Sirius rolled his eyes, but nodded anyways. "Is it alright if I stay the night here?" he asked, not caring if it sounded rude.

Remus shrugged and Lily nodded. "Of course, but you're going to make things right between you and James as soon as I talk to him," she admonished and went out to set up the guest bedroom, leaving Remus and Sirius alone to talk.

"So how have things been going?" asked Sirius as Remus sat back down. He rolled his eyes and smiled.

"I hate weddings. Everything has to be just perfect, or else the end of the world might come. Not to mention the fact that I don't really care what color the napkins are or what flowers we use! How did you two manage to sort out your wedding?"

Sirius laughed and shrugged. "I actually have no idea. I think we agreed on almost everything because we are so similar. Not to mention we didn't really care about what color everything was so we just picked some random color and agreed on it."

Remus smiled slightly and shook his head. "Oh well. It's all my fault I guess, being straight and all."

"Well, at least you are marrying someone who can cook. I mean, James can cook, but…wow, Lily can do anything in the kitchen."

Remus laughed again and Lily entered the kitchen, smiling at the two. "Well, cooking is a lot like potions class. Considering you almost failed it and James just barely got a decent grade, it makes sense that you wouldn't be the most excellent cooks."

Sirius rolled his eyes and yawned. He hadn't been getting much sleep recently. "I think I'm gonna go to bed, unless either of you have any objections."

Lily smiled and nodded her head in the general direction of where he'd be sleeping. He smiled at the two and left to get some rest. Lily watched him leave and then pulled Remus to his feet. "Let's go out in the living room, where it's more comfortable," she said, pulling him into the other room and then down onto the couch. He wrapped his arms around his shoulder and she leaned against him.

"Poor Sirius," he muttered, playing with her red locks of hair. She nodded and started to hum a song under her breath. "It's all James's fault."

Lily laughed and then shook her head. "That's why I'm going to talk to him tomorrow."

"Alright," agreed Remus. "Until then, I suggest we go to bed."

Lily smiled, "Why do you always have the most brilliant ideas?"

sniffle

James was sitting on the couch, holding a sleeping Anastasia in his arms. The night before his mother had dropped her off and then left quickly, but not before he had told her what had happened. She had told him he had been an idiot and needed to apologize to Sirius as soon as he saw him again.

After she had gone, he had sat on the couch listlessly, holding his sleeping daughter. The next thing he knew was that it was morning and he had Anastasia had fallen asleep on the couch together. He groaned slightly as he felt his taut muscles and stretched. Ana stirred and woke up.

"Daddy," she murmured and gave him a hug. He hugged her back and then stood up, holding her in his arms.

"Do you want breakfast, sweetie?" he asked as he carried her to the kitchen. She nodded sleepily and he set her on the counter while he began to get the ingredients for breakfast out. In no time at all he had breakfast cooking and picked up his daughter again and took her out to the living room so she could either watch television or sleep. James wanted to focus on how to apologize to his husband.

Just then a knock on the door sounded. James got up to answer it, hoping that it was Sirius, but knowing that it wasn't. Opening the door, he saw Lily standing there, looking at him expectantly. James stepped aside to allow her to enter without saying anything.

"How could you?" was the first thing she said to him. James sighed in frustration. At least he knew where Sirius was now.

"Nice to see you too Lily," he replied sarcastically.

"Why would you read something that was so private? Do you not have any consideration for other's feelings?"

"Of course I do," James snapped, losing his patience with the young woman in front of him. "I made a mistake, I admit it. I didn't think about how it would hurt Sirius if I read it. I honestly wasn't completely sure what it was. Well, okay, I did, but that's not the point. I know I need to apologize for being an ass, and as soon as you think Sirius is ready to see me, please tell me because I'll come over instantly."

Lily smiled. He had done everything for her. "Alright, he's ready to see you. He's at Remus's and my house."

"I know. Come on, Ana, we're going to go find daddy," he said, gesturing for the young girl to come to him. She got up and hurried on her short legs over to him. He scooped her up in his arms and kissed her on the cheek. "I'll bet you miss daddy, don't you. He has more patience with you than I do."

Lily smiled at them and led him to her car. She didn't like traveling by floo powder and James thought that Ana might be just a little bit too young for it.

The car ride was short and quiet. Lily seemed to be frustrated with James and he didn't want to provoke the fiery red head. She had a temper that could cut like metal when she really wanted to. When they arrived at her house, James unbuckled Ana's seat belt and lifted her out of the car. Lily was waiting at the door for them.

"Sirius!" she called as they entered. After a moment, James could hear pounding feet racing down the stairs in the kitchen.

"I'll get you, you cheating buccaneer!" Sirius's voice yelled.

"How do you cheat at go fish?" responded Remus.

"…I don't know."

They came out into the living room and saw Lily, James, and Ana standing there staring at them as if they'd lost their minds.

"It's from Veggietales," explained Sirius, hesitantly, looking at James with careful, measuring eyes.

"I came to kidnap you," James told him, holding out his hand for Sirius to take. Hesitantly, he accepted it and then he pulled him out the door. Lily and Remus were going to watch over Ana until they could sort out their problems so they flooed home and settled down in the living room.

"I'm so sorry I read your journal. I shouldn't have. It was completely wrong, a lack of respect for your personal space. Please forgive me," begged James, looking at Sirius closely.

Sirius pretended to think about it for a moment, and then smiled. "Of course I forgive you, but you're sleeping on the couch tonight."

"What! Why?"

Sirius grinned and answered, "Because, you deserve it.

James smiled and wrapped his arms around Sirius's shoulders. "I know this might be the worse possible thing to ask right now, but you said in your journal that you were going to forget everything that has happened in your life. Why?"

Sirius looked at James, his eyebrows drawing together slightly, but not in anger. "I just will. There's no why about it. Every single member of my family has lost their memory before their death. I will too, eventually."

"Well, why will you only remember the bad things in your life?"

Sirius shrugged. "I probably won't. Right now, though, it seems like what happened was so terrible that I will remember it no matter what happens."

James looked worried. "I'd rather you not forget everything that has happened."

Grinning weakly, Sirius leaned his head on James's chest. "I would rather it not happen either, but it probably will. And when it does, then that's life. However, until then, I'm going to accept each day with open arms and treat it as a rare, valuable gift. Because life is. Life is precious. We only live once, so why are we taking it for granted? I don't intend to, and I'm almost glad that I will lose my memory. It teaches me, in a way, to look at what I have and realize what I'll lose if I'm not careful. It makes me realize that no matter what happens, whether we live through bankruptcy or national disaster, many things that are lost can be replaced. You and Ana, and the future Potter family member, can never be replaced once taken away. It's the irreplaceable things in life that are so important and valuable, and I'm going to cherish the irreplaceable things in my life."

A.N. in all honesty to myself, that chapter sucked! Oh well. I'm sorry. Thank you for reading it. Next chapter will be up soon. Please review.


	41. chapter 41

Chapter 41

"I need to get a job," complained Sirius as he sat playing with Anastasia. She was having fun playing with her dolls and Sirius would occasionally portray one of her dolls. James was sitting on the couch watching the two of them.

"Why?" asked James. He was working a job on the side of going to the Auror school and that was bringing in enough money for them to live on, although they weren't financially comfortable.

"Because I feel like I'm not doing my part of keeping this family together. I feel like you're doing everything while I'm sitting home doing nothing. That's not fair. We're supposed to be equal partners, which means that I also work."

James sighed and slid down onto the floor to sit next to his husband. "Siri, if you went to work, who would watch over Ana?"

He shrugged in response and leaned over to pick up his daughter. She gladly leaned into his arms and snuggled up. It was getting late and she was getting tired. "I don't know. Your mom is always willing to help out and if worse comes to worse, I can always ask Jamie to watch her."

"Who's Jamie?" James asked, sounding confused. He didn't know anyone named Jamie and didn't know how Sirius could.

"She's one of our neighbors," explained Sirius. "I was walking outside with Ana and she came out and started talking. She's really cool, although she thinks we're gay."

James snorted. "Wonder where she gets that idea?"

Sirius laughed and stood up. Anastasia was now asleep and he decided he should put her in her bed. "I have no idea. I'm gonna take her up to bed and then go to sleep myself. Are you coming?"

James thought about it for a moment and then nodded. Auror school was really time consuming and he was exhausted from getting up early. "I'll be up in a minute," he said and Sirius nodded before taking the little girl up to her bed. Just recently, she had gotten a newer bed, which was somewhat annoying as she could get out as many times as she wanted without being hindered.

Once she was in bed, Sirius walked to his room and got ready for bed. When he came out of the bathroom, James still hadn't come up to bed. He looked confused for a moment, but then shrugged it off. He slid under the covers of his bed and snuggled in. However, he wasn't the least bit tired. Mentally anyways. So he picked up one of his notebooks and flipped through it. He had many pages that were dedicated to his poems and songs.

"That's what I'll do," he exclaimed, just as the door opened. James entered and he looked at Sirius in confusion.

"You'll do what?" he asked as he walked into the bathroom. He didn't close the door so Sirius could still talk to him.

"I'll get a job producing music, or getting mine produced. Who knows? It sounds like fun!"

James popped his head out of the bathroom, completely bewildered. "You really are serious about getting a job aren't you?"

Sirius nodded and smiled. "What's so horrible about that?"

James thought about it for a moment and then sighed. "I like you being home with Anastasia. I'd really prefer that we weren't strangers to our own kid. I'd really hate for her to spend more time with someone like…oh, my mom than us. That idea always freaked me out, whenever I was thinking about something like that." He gestured towards Sirius's slightly protruding stomach. "Plus, we've got another one on the way. This is the fourth month. Shouldn't you be resting?"

Sirius grimaced and shrugged as James sat down on the bed, drawing the covers over his body. "I probably should be, but…it's only the fourth month. What could possibly happen?"

James shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not the pregnant one."

Sirius laughed at that and snuggled up into James's side. "I love you so much," he said softly. James brushed his husband's hair away from his eyes and kissed him on the forehead.

"I know. I love you too. I always will."

Sirius grinned again. "So, can I get a job?"

James rolled his eyes. "Can't you wait until after the baby is born?"

Sirius gently slapped him and responded, "No, 'cause then I'll have another excuse not to get a job. And you know that and you're planning that in your devious little mind. How dare you?"

James laughed. "Oh, I'm so sorry. What could I ever do to make it up to you?"

"Let me get a job."

"Like I really have a say in the matter."

"Of course you do. That doesn't mean I'm gonna listen to it, but you can still say as much as you want."

James laughed and brought his hand to rest on Sirius's stomach. "I'm so happy."

Sirius grinned and turned his face towards James and gave him a quick kiss. "I'm glad."

la-la-la

The next morning, when James woke up Sirius was gone. He sat up and looked around in confusion. Next to James, on his bedside table, was a note. He picked it up and started to read it. It said:

_James, _

_I wasn't joking when I said I wanted to get a job. So…yeah, that's where I am now. I was going to wait until you got up, but you sleep a long time. Sorry, mate. I'll see you when I get home. _

_Sirius _

_p.s. don't forget that Ana's home with you, so take care of her. _

James smiled when he read the last line. Sirius always automatically assumed that James was the worst possible babysitter, which of course made him a horrible dad when alone. Of course, Sirius didn't really think that, but it never hurt to put a reminder. James wondered where Sirius was looking for a job.

His thoughts were cut off abruptly when a little dark haired head popped into his room. He smiled and inwardly rolled his eyes. He had told Sirius that it was a bad idea to get her that kind of bed. He knew that she would be constantly getting in and out. "Come on, Ana," he said, gesturing her over to the bed like a puppy. Eagerly, she complied.

He picked her up and stroked her dark tresses back from her forehead. She looked up at him and said, "Daddy, hungry!"

James laughed and nodded. "Should I go cook breakfast?"

She nodded and he got up. He loved her so much. She reminded him of his husband so much. Her grey eyes sparkled with the same mischief that Sirius's had so many times before and her smile was very similar to Sirius's. The only difference between the two was their noses. And cheekbones. Sirius had high, accented cheekbones whereas Ana's blended in with the rest of her face. Kinda.

"What do you want for breakfast?" James asked as he carried her down the stairs. She could get down them, but she had not mastered the technique of walking down the stairs quite yet. Which caused James much relief. He really did not want to have to worry about her falling and dying because of stairs.

She pointed at the bread and then the refrigerator. Just recently she had started eating more variety of food. Her favorite was noodles. So James got to make noodles for Ana and eggs and hash browns for himself.

Breakfast took no time to cook and soon he and Ana were sitting down eating. Or, at least James was sitting down. Ana was walking around with noodles in her hands, spilling them all over the floor. When she had finished the noodles in her hand, she would walk back to the table and pick up more. James shook his head and after watching her do that three times, he got up and picked her up. "You have to sit down and eat, Ana. Walking while eating is rude. Not to mention you're making a mess."

She looked at him with her big eyes, but didn't move when he set her in her chair, she didn't attempt to get back up. Instead she watched James as he picked up his utensils to continue eating and then did the same. James grinned when he watched her attempting to use a fork. "How would you like to play with play dough today?" he asked her. She looked up at him and grinned. James took that for a yes. "Well, then you can go play with your dolls or…something else. I don't know."

She seemed to understand what he meant and got up to leave the kitchen. He watched her leave and chuckled slightly to himself. Turning his attention back to the kitchen, he started rummaging around for the materials needed to create play dough for the little girl.

later that day

"I'm home," Sirius called out as he entered the house. He could hear giggles and laughter from upstairs. For a moment he just stood there in confusion and then walked up the stairs. James and Ana were sitting on the floor of her room making a big mess with play dough. Sirius just stood there shaking his head for a moment. "I almost don't know which one of you isthe child," he teased as he sat down next to his husband.

James turned to look at him. "And this is coming from the person who sings Veggietales constantly?"

Sirius smiled sheepishly and picked up a handful of play dough. He began to meld it in his hands, saying, "I got a job."

James looked at him in mild surprise. He had not really been expecting for him to get one, for some odd reason. He really didn't want to leave Ana with someone other than her parents for too long. "What are you going to be doing?"

Sirius looked at him and smiled. "I found someone to produce some of my music stuff."

"Like a recording?" Now James was confused. Was his husband going to become some famous singer?

"Kinda, only not right now. For now I'm just going to be rehearsing and getting background music ready and all that jazz." He smiled weakly, "I'm not sure this is going to be so much fun."

"I told you that you shouldn't get a job."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "That's why I did decide to go through with it. I wasn't going to sit back and let you tell me how to completely rule my life. I don't settle well with dictators."

James laughed and kissed Sirius on the forehead. "Then why the hell did you marry me?"

Sirius's eyes widened. He gestured toward Ana with his head, who was watching the adults with interest. "Shush, little ears."

A.N.- that got to be longer than I thought it would be. Oh well. There you go. Anyways, thanks for reading it. Thanks for reviewing it. Thanks for being such awesome people!


	42. chapter 42

Chapter 42

James burst through the door, singing at the top of his out of tune voice. "I passed the test. I'm now an Auror! Somebody congratulate me! I'm bloody brilliant!"

Sirius walked out of the kitchen, where he had been teaching himself how to cook (again), holding Ana's hand. She had taken to play dough like peanut butter took to jelly and, as such,was all sticky. Sirius himself was covered in flour and other cooking ingredients. By now he was very visibly pregnant, being in his sixth month. His new job really hadn't been doing much, and recently he had been going to work with a concealing spell, considering his employers were muggles and wouldn't take well to him being pregnant. "Well, it's Mr. Egotistical himself."

"Oh shut up, you know I did well," replied James walking over to Sirius and neatly picking him up and spinning him around. Putting him back down, Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"I didn't know you could pick me up. I thought I'd be too heavy now."

James smiled and picked up Ana as she walked over to him. She too had been growing. James had gone out and bought a book on good eating habits for toddlers and by the sound of it, they were doing everything right. Hopefully. "Nah, I'm very strong. You shouldn't doubt that."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "What are you talking about? I'm huge! I eat too much, and by too much I mean anything that is within my grasp. I don't exercise, I just sit around with Ana or at work. I feel so bloody useless."

At that word, Ana clapped her hands over her mouth and shook her head, her eyes as wide as saucers. They had taught Ana bad words early and tried to keep their language clean for her sake. Sirius, however, was too hormonal to really care at that point. He was tired of carrying around the extra weight and being forced to use a concealing charm whenever anyone was around, considering it was a muggle neighborhood. The baby was also starting to kick, which Sirius already hated from experience.

"You're not useless," reprimanded James, setting down the little girl and hugging Sirius. She hugged his leg as well, and Sirius looked down at her fondly. They had bonded very nicely while James had been at school. James and Ana were close as well, but she and Sirius had an unbreakable bond that James could never match. It turned out that Sirius was able to take his daughter to work with him. "As for eating, I would certainly hope that you're eating well, or else you'll have some problems with an underdeveloped baby. And you wouldn't want that, would you?"

Sirius shook his head reluctantly. "Doesn't mean I have to enjoy being thirty pounds overweight," he muttered, glancing down at Ana, who was still hugging his leg. He picked her up and kissed her on the cheek. "I think we should expand your vocabulary more, what do you say to that?"

She smiled and nodded. "Yes," she said, smiling happily. Upon her second birthday she had completely mastered walking, potty training, and many different words. She was extremely intelligent and developed quickly. James insisted that the more they talked to the little girl, the more she'd learn. That was why Sirius was so determined to sing to her every night.

"Alright, um…what words should we try to instill into her mind?"

James shrugged and walked over to sit on the couch. Sirius followed suit, setting down Ana, letting her walk on her own. She was such a headstrong girl who knew what she wanted. And right then, she wanted to walk, not be carried.

"Um…say, antidisestablishmentarianism," James said, watching Sirius for a reaction.

"Yeah say...hey wait. What?" exclaimed Sirius, looking surprised, confused, and completely lost. "Antidisestablishment-whatchamecalit?"

James laughed. "Antidisestablishmentarianism. It's some political doctrine regarding the church."

Sirius still looked confused, but nodded anyways. "And you want to teach what an eighteen year old can't understand to a toddler?"

James shrugged. "One of us has to be smart," he explained, shrugging and stretching out his cramped arms. Sitting andtaking a test all day was not really his favorite thing to do.

Sirius simply rolled his eyes at that statement. "Well, we'll try making her smart when she'll actually understand it. For now, let's teach her something useful."

"That word is useful!"

"When is she going to use antidisestablishmentarianism at preschool?"

Not missing a beat, James answered, "When she's trying to suck up to a teacher for giving her a failing mark. Or just to show off."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "James, I'm not trying to raise a mini-clone of us. That would just be bad."

James laughed at that comment. "You've got a good point. I do not want to experience raising us. My mom said it was hell."

At that word, Ana looked up and clasped her hand over her mouth again. James laughed and stood up. "I'm gonna take a nap. I haven't gotten sleep for what seems like forever. Too much midnight cramming. Wake me up before dinner or something please."

Sirius nodded and kissed him quickly on the lips before he walked upstairs. "Shall we get back to cooking?" he asked his daughter once James had gone upstairs.

"Cook, cook!" she exclaimed and Sirius laughed, taking her by the hand and leading her to the kitchen. She immediately wrenched her hand away from his grasp and went to her little play dough station. Sirius, on the other hand, went back over to the cook book that he had been reading through. He briefly remembered the last time that he had attempted cooking. He had utterly failed and Mrs. Potter had taken over. Now, however, there was no one to do the work for him, and he was determined.

A knock on the door sounded and Sirius sighed in mock exasperation. "Well, look at that," he said to Ana, sounding relieved and mildly sarcastic, "someone's here. I have to stop my cooking and everything to let them in."

She giggled and Sirius smiled before walking to the door, but not before putting on a concealing charm. He wasn't sure who it would be. However, when he pulled the door open, he saw that the concealing charm was pointless. Lily stood at his doorstep, beaming. He stepped inside, an invitation for her to enter.

"Hello, Sirius," she said, smiling and stepping into the room.

"Hey, Lily. Wanna come and help me cook. Ana and I aren't doing so good at it."

Lily laughed and followed him into the kitchen. "Where's James?" she asked, glancing around for her other friend.

Sirius smiled and rolled his eyes. "He's sleeping. He's been studying for the Auror test thing and hasn't gotten much rest recently."

Lily nodded in understanding and sat down. She and Remus had gotten married a month ago. It had been a beautiful celebration, very similar to Sirius's and James's, only with more color coordination and arguing in the week up to the wedding. It had been strictly a family/friend wedding. Very small, very simple, but meaningful all the same.

"What brings you around here?" asked Sirius, sitting down across from her, taking a break from his complicated recipe (pork fajitas).

"Is it painful?" she asked randomly, staring out the window in a dazed sort of way.

"Is what painful?" he asked, confused.

"Pregnancy. Birth. Infancy."

Sirius raised his eyes. "Pregnancy, well, morning sickness hurts because of all the vomiting and then nothing really bad happens until around the fifth or sixth month when the baby starts kicking. Birth, I actually have no idea, as I had a c-section. Infancy, only painful if you like sleeping."

Lily smiled and nodded. "Oh well. Our greatest treasures are usually obtained through pain."

Sirius smiled, understanding flashing across his face. "Pregnant?"

Lily nodded and smiled in response. "Oh yeah."

Sirius nodded. "Welcome to the club."

A.N. Thanks. Review. Bye.


	43. chapter 43

Chapter 43

Sirius was sitting on the couch with his hand resting on his now overly huge seventh month pregnant stomach. Ana was taking a nap upstairs after playing with markers for about two hours. Of course, after she had finished playing with them, not only was she a mess, but there were several different shades of blue, red, and green on the walls. Sirius got to go around using a cleaning spell and then he had to wash up his daughter, which was not easy considering she was very squirmy. Afterwards, of course, she went straight to sleep. As such, it was an exhausting day for Sirius, and it was only two o'clock in the afternoon.

James was due to be home in two hours. Sirius glanced at his watch and sighed. He hated being home alone. It really bothered him, the suffocating silence. As much as he hated chasing a little girl around, at least there was noise.

"I know," he muttered to himself, hauling himself off of the couch. It took a lot of effort and he wouldn't have gotten up had he not been driven out of his mind by the encompassing silence. "I'll turn on some music. Music always cheers me up. Well, for the most part."

And he walked over to the stereo system that he had bought and turned on a cd, but not so loud that Ana would wake up. He smiled in satisfaction and headed back to his seat on the couch. He was really supposed to be working, but no inspiration was striking him. As such, he just sat there, staring at the ceiling. "There has to be something interesting to do around here that doesn't require doing much. Apart from reading and writing."

He rolled his eyes at himself. He really was lazy. It wasn't entirely his fault though. Although, it mostly was.

A knock on the door made him groan. Why did people insist on knocking on the door, making him get up? Carefully, Sirius stood up, grabbing his wand and casting a quick concealing spell, and walked to the door. Pulling it open, he came face to face with someone that he hadthought he would never see again. Not to mentionhe hoped that he wouldnever again see him as well. Regulus Black stood there, looking nervous, hopeful, tired, beat up, and confused.

"What do you want?" hissed Sirius, softly, crossing his arms across his chest. He didn't want to yell as Ana was still upstairs asleep. Regulus looked the same that he had two years ago, only…not.

He still had the trademark Black features, but was somewhat…it wasn't so much physical appearance that had changed (although he did appear to be more scruffy and uncertain) but it was his posture, the way he held himself...his attitude. He took a deep breath and shook his head. "This was a mistake. I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry, I don't want to endanger your family."

Sirius raised his eyebrows and put a hand out to stop him, just as the baby kicked. Hard. "Ow," he gasped and clutched onto Regulus's arm to keep from falling. Instantly Regulus was there, supporting his older brother with concern etched across his still young face. This mildly surprised Sirius, but as he was doubled over in pain, he didn't make much of it at that particular moment.

"What is it?" he asked anxiously.

Sirius shook his head slightly and righted himself again, gesturing with his head for Regulus to come inside. He had misgivings about his brother, but he was willing to give him the chance that he himselfhad never received. He settled himself back onto the couch and watched as Regulus carefully took a seat across from him. Regulus was watching him with equal interest.

"So," Sirius began, "what is it that you suddenly want?"

Without missing a beat, Regulus answered, "To apologize. To beg for forgiveness. I don't deserve it, and I'll be the first to say that I don't. How could I?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "So, after being possibly the most evil little brother on the planet, you just come back asking for forgiveness. What sparked this random desire to repent?"

Regulus shrugged. "They want me to become a death eater. I don't want to...well, not really. Why would I? I never agreed with mum and dad. Well, I s'pose I did once, but after a while, I met this girl in London while I was in Diagon Alley. I was outside of the Leaky Cauldron and this muggle girl walked into me. At first I was going to yell at her, but she was so beautiful, so mysterious, so…I don't know. Something about her just captured me. Anyways, I invited her to go get something to drink down the street somewhere and she agreed. We talked about muggle things, because obviously she's not a witch, and she just seemed so intelligent...for a muggle anyway. She wasn't foul, vulgar, or rude. I couldn't picture how she could be a vile creature that did not deserve to live because our parents said so. Anyways, I asked her if I could see her again, and she said yes. So, I'd been seeing her for a while when mum figured out. Of course, the house could have blown up with her angry words and dad practically said he'd disown me if I didn't get rid of her. It was then that I realized there was more to life than conforming to every word our parents said. As such, I was blasted off of the tree, which didn't upset me as much as I thought it would. And now I have no where to stay, but I don't want to intrude on you, so don't think I'm asking to stay here. I just wanted you to know that I understand now. And I'm sorry for what happened between us."

Sirius listened to his entire story and was about to say something when something big hit the floor upstairs. He rolled his eyes. Ana must have gotten up and was probablyplaying with something that she shouldn't be. Sighing, he grinned at Regulasand stood up slowly. Regulus raised his eyebrows at that and then smiled slightly. "Pregnant?" he asked.

Sirius raised his eyebrows slightly and then grinned. "Yeah, a real bummer actually." Regulus laughed as a little body started walking down the stairs. Regulus turned to look at Ana and raised his eyebrows. The little girl walked over to Sirius, who carefully picked her up before sitting back down with just as much caution.

"You kept her," Regulus said, amazement in his eyes. He hadn't thought that Sirius had actually kept her, considering while at school, he never saw her. It made him happy to know that he had.

Sirius smiled and nodded. "Yes I did, and I love her very much."

Regulus smiled at that and shook his head. "Well, under the circumstances in which she conceived and why, I mean, I didn't think that you would want her so much."

"Why? You know why those bastards decided I needed to be pregnant?" Finally the truth might come out, and Sirius was anxious to hear it.

Regulus shrugged and shook his head slightly. "Well, it was just another perfect way of torture, wasn't it? Also, Jacob wanted an heir, and who better to sire an heir than one of the Blacks.It could've been me except I'm just not good looking enough. You are, though, but not like that. Not to mention that mom and dad thought you were more expendable than I was."

Sirius listened, sorrow filling him. An heir? Anastasia was Jacob's heir? Regulus must have read his mind, because he shook his head slightly. "You don't have to worry about him. He was put in Azkaban recently for being convicted of your rape and also supporting the dark lord. You don't have to worry about him coming and making strange claims."

"So the entire heir thing is gone, completely?" asked Sirius, gently stroking Ana's forehead. She was becoming drowsy and falling asleep in his arms. Regulus smiled at both of them.

"Unless you want to start a law suit against him and his family, then no."

Sirius smiled. "I think I'll pass up that opportunity." He looked at Regulus carefully. "You really are in trouble, aren't you?"

Regulus nodded and smiled weakly. "Yeah, but I'm taking control of it. It was my mess that I created, so I'm gonna get myself out of it. Just you watch."

"I believe it, but you should stay here. We could easily transform a room into a guest bedroom. Plus," he added, picking up his wand and removing the concealing charm, "I could use some help around the house while James is at work."

Regulus stared at Sirius's stomach, his eyes wide. "Wow, you really are pregnant."

Sirius laughed and nodded. "Yeah, that's whatmost peoplecall it." Regulus joined him in laughing, waking up the half asleep child in Sirius's arms.

"So this is my niece?" Regulus asked.

"Yeah," a voice from the door replied. Both of the Blacks spun around to face an angry James. "And if you have any sense, you'll stay away from her, Sirius, and the baby."

A.N. ooh, more conflict. I love it! Anyways, thanks, review, see ya!


	44. chapter 44

Chapter 44

"James, chill," started Sirius, "do you really think that Regulus would be calmly sitting here, talking calmly with me if I didn't think it was alright?"

James moved forward cautiously. His wand was not in his hand, but it was obvious that he could reach it easily. "I don't know what to think. All I know is that someone from your deadbeat family is here."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I'm a big boy, James. I can take care of myself."

"Yeah, well, I don't really care right now. You're seven months pregnant, and bad things can happen if you get overstressed or…something else."

Regulus smiled at that and chuckled. Ana turned to look at him with wide eyes. He held out his arms and she crawled over to his lap. He picked her up and pushed her dark curls back from her eyes. Both James and Sirius watched him closely, James in anger and Sirius in happiness. "I thought I said to stay away from her," growled James, barely containing his anger. He hated the thought of either of his loved ones getting hurt by this...this scum!

Regulus simply rolled his eyes again, not really caring what James thought,and addressed Ana. "Hey, I'm your Uncle Regulus, or Reggie if you prefer. I don't really care. Yeah, basically I'm an evil person who suddenly saw the light when I met a pair of big brown muggle eyes."

Sirius laughed at that. "Are you still meeting her?"

Regulus shook his head slightly. "I'm not putting anything past our parents."

"They're in prison," snapped James.

Regulus shook his head. "They _were_ in prison. Certainly you must know more about our parents than that. They have way too much influence in the different departments. They ratted out Jacob and he went to prison and they got out." He smirked slightly. "Where's the justice, that's all I ask."

Sirius laughed bitterly. "Justice? What's that?"

"Precisely."

James watched them interact, anger growing more intense. He did not want Regulus to hurt his brother like he had before, but Sirius was being far too trusting, and as such, was not being helpful.

"What do you want, Black?" snarled James. He was not going to put up with the younger Black, and was not going to even pretend to accept him.

Sirius, however, had a different plan. Slowly he stood up, his hand on his stomach. He flashed a grin and Regulus and grabbed James's arm. "Can I see you in the kitchen for a minute?"

James was tempted to say no, but Sirius looked determined so he reluctantly followed Sirius into the other room, but not before shooting Regulus a poisonous glare. "Why is he here? And why are you being so trusting with him?"

Sirius shrugged. "He's my little brother, right? Well, what he just told me made a lot of sense. He was never really evil, I know that for a fact, just…I don't know, very naïve and…willing to conform. He didn't ever really do anything bad to me, he just didn't do anything to stop it."

James raised his eyebrows. Now that he thought about it, Sirius never had complained about his brother, only his parents and Jacob. "Oh. Well, what are you going to do?"

Sirius shook his head hopelessly. "I don't know. Jacob's in jail now, but my parents are now free. I guess it doesn't really affect me right now. As for Regulus, I don't think I can turn him away. He _is_ my brother."

James nodded, but didn't lose his suspicious air. "If you say so. I'll try to accept him, but it won't be easy."

Sirius smiled slightly and leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. "That's why I love you. You try so hard to make me happy even if you don't want to do what I'm asking of you."

James smiled and leaned in to kiss him in return. "I'm glad you love me. Now let's go talk to your brother who I don't trust worth crap."

"Agreed," he grinned.

They walked back out to find Regulus sitting on the floor playing with legos with Ana. They seemed to be having atug-a-war over one of the pieces. "I'm trying to build my dream house, kid. Do you have a problem with that?"

Ana said, "Yes," and clapped her hands together happily, letting go of the piece. Regulus laughed and leaned in to mock tackle her. He pushed her over gently and began to tickle her.

Beside him, James tensed slightly, but didn't do anything. Sirius smiled and continued to watch the interaction between his daughter and brother. They seemed to be having fun. James, however, got tired of just watching and cleared his throat. Regulus looked up immediately, a grin on his face and twinkle in his eyes. It was the first time that they had not seemed so cold. In fact, they hadn't seemed cold the entire time that he had been there.

"Well, what's the verdict?" he asked, getting to his feet, much to Ana's dismay. He looked at James anxiously. He knew that it was James that he had to convince. Sirius watched both of them eagerly. He was hoping for a quick reconciliation, even though it most likely wouldn't be.

"We're going to give you a chance," said James, looking Regulus up and down. "Innocent until proven guilty."

With those words spoken, James walked over and picked up Ana. He walked up the stairs, leaving Sirius and Regulus behind to talk.

"Well that was a bit more than I expected," muttered Regulus. Sirius smiled at him and slung his arm around his shoulders, steering him into the kitchen.

"I would really like for you to come and live with us," he said sincerely. Regulus looked at him as if he'd lost his mind.

"Why would you want me to stay here?" he asked, uncertain as to whether or not he had heard correctly.

Sirius rolled his eyes as if he'd lost his mind. "Because you're in trouble and we can help you. At least until school starts again." He smiled suddenly. "Not to mention you are the only one who can cook."

Regulus laughed at that and nodded. "Well, if you're sure, I guess. I don't want to impose though."

"Don't worry about that. You're family."

"So is mum and dad and you wouldn't want them staying with you."

Sirius laughed at that and nodded. "Too right."

A.N. that was lame, I know. Thanks, review, bye.


	45. chapter 45

Chapter 45

"I don't wanna go through another c-section," whined Sirius. He was sitting at the kitchen table with Lily. Remus, apparently, had gone out to get a job, leaving Lily alone. Sirius had taken sick leave from his job during the last month. Ana was playing at his feet with a cabbage patch doll that he'd found somewhere or other. "Now that I know what they're going to do, I'm freaked out."

Lily laughed and shook her head slightly. "Siri, you've already done this. Why should you be nervous now?"

Sirius shrugged and shook his head. "Because I know what they're going to do now, and I don't like the sound of it."

Rolling her eyes, Lily got up to fix coffee or something. He watched her, a smile on his face. She didn't look pregnant yet, but he knew that that would change soon. "You're just being childish," she admonished as she sat back down next to him. He laughed and shook his head. She could call it whatever she wanted, but he didn't really care.

"I just rather not be sliced open and then sewn back together."

Lily looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, "I've heard that men can have babies another way. I'm not sure how, but I guess it's like the way that women have babies, only they have to take a potion before the baby comes."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Really? Hmm, I like that idea. What potion is it?"

She shrugged. "They'll have it at St. Mungos when you go there. It's really hard to explain and I don't really want to. When the baby comes, though, I suggest you ask them if you can try to do it that way for fear of being 'sliced open and sewn back together'."

Sirius laughed and nodded, putting his hand on his huge stomach. It was only about a week before the baby was due and he was anxious. The door opened and Regulus walked in. He had been staying there like Sirius had suggested and had been out getting his school supplies. He had also been seeing the muggle girl, which Sirius had managed to pry out of him after threatening him with blackmail.

Regulus walked into the kitchen, looking somewhat nervous. "Um, I kinda brought her home with me," he muttered, looking at his feet. Sirius rolled his eyes. "Can she come in?"

"Of course, just…" he sighed. Grabbing his wand, he put on a concealing charm and then quickly glanced around for any sign of magic. None were visible so he hid his wand in the drawer as Regulus brought in the muggle girl.

She really was pretty. She had soft brown eyes and long midnight black hair that fell around her shoulders. She wasn't very tall, coming only up to Regulus's shoulders (and he was only 5'7"). She had a slightly darker complexion than that of the Black brothers and had rosy lips.

"Hello," she said, moving forward with her hand outstretched. "I am Ana Lopez."

Sirius nodded and shook her hand. "I am Sirius Black and this is Lily Lupin."

She smiled at Lily and shook her hand as well. "It's a pleasure to meet you both. I'm so happy that I've found someone like Ben."

Lily and Sirius raised their eyebrows at that, but didn't comment. Regulus looked worried for a moment before he ushered her out of the kitchen. Once they were gone, Lily turned to Sirius and rolled her eyes. "Ben?"

Sirius shrugged and sat back down. "Beats me. Who knows, maybe he thought that Regulus was too lame of a name, which, hey, it is."

"I resent that," responded Regulus as he walked into the room. "I use the name Ben because I want to start over with my life. And what a better way to do that then just change everything. Which means a new name, new past, new beginning."

Sirius nodded and smiled. "Well, I'm glad, for one."

Regulus smiled and left after giving Sirius a brotherly hug, which was somewhat difficult. Over his shoulder he said, "Yeah, I'm gonna spend the night at her place. Your house is too messy for her and she's not a big fan of kids."

"Hey, this is the cleanest it's been in a year, what are you talking about?" Sirius yelled after him. Regulus just laughed and Lily and Sirius heard the closing of the door.

Sirius laughed and started to sit down. As he did, a sharp pain went up his abdomen. "Ouch," he whimpered and stood back up, placing his hands on his stomach. Immediately Lily was at his side, a hand on his back and looking at his face in concern.

"Are you alright? What happened?" she demanded. She did not want Sirius to go into birth while she was alone with him.

"Ouch," he whimpered again as the pain filled him again. "I think it's time for me to be getting to St. Mungos."

Panic filled Lily's usually calm green eyes. "Okay, um…what should I do?"

Sirius shrugged and tried to swallow the rising panic. He was not ready for this.

"Get me the hell to St. Mungos!" he snapped. Ana looked up at him from where she had been playing. Lily picked her up and then went over to wrap an arm under Sirius's armpits so he could half lean on her and walk.

Gratefully he shifted his weight and let her half support him. They hobbled out to her car and she started driving. Quickly. Sirius had his hand on his stomach and a pained expression kept on flashing over his face. As she was driving, Lily pulled out a cell phone and dialed a number. "I have one because Remus is like a mother hen now that I'm pregnant. And I have a muggle job so we couldn't use any form of magic communication."

She held the phone up to her ear and started talking. Sirius raised his eyebrows. She seemed so panicked. "Yes, Sirius is going into labor…I know you're with James so tell him…no, well, yes….I don't really bloody care you moron! Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure. Whatever. See you both there then. Bye."

She hung up, seeming to be completely stressed out. "I bloody well hate him sometimes," she muttered.

"No you don't. You love him so much that you can hardly see straight."

Lily glanced at him and laughed. "When did you get all deep and sentimental?"

"When the hormones started kicking in I think."

Lily laughed and drove a little bit faster. They arrived at the hospital in about 30 minutes (as Sirius didn't believe in living far from the hospital). Lily helped him out of the car and quickly undid Ana's seatbelt and lifted her out of the car as well. She walked back over to Sirius and helped him into St. Mungos. He had his hand on his stomach and was breathing shallowly to try to ease the pain. She rushed him inside and immediately had him sit down. Before she went to sign him in, he touched her on the arm. She looked at him and he said, "Would you ask if I could try taking the potion thingy. I really don't want to be cut open."

Lily chuckled and went in to register Sirius, leaving him with Ana. She crawled over and sat by his side. He grinned and leaned over to kiss her forehead. "Ready for a new sibling?" he asked, a grin crossing over his face. She nodded slightly and then giggled. He pushed her hair back from her forehead. "I love you."

Pounding footsteps made him look up. James and Remus rushed in and looked around wildly. James saw Sirius and headed over to him while Remus walked over to Lily. "Are you alright? Is the baby okay? Is it coming?"

Sirius nodded. "I refuse to be put under a c-section again. Lily said that there's a potion that I can take that can avoid that possibility and avoid being sliced open and sewn back together."

"Good," responded James, clutching Sirius's hand tightly in a reassuring manner. Sirius smiled and kissed him on the cheek. Lily came back, Remus following her. A nurse came out with a stretcher and gestured for Sirius to get onto it. He did so and tried to relax. The stretcher was taken away to the maternity ward and James followed, leaving Lily and Remus to watch after Ana and find the waiting room nearest to the maternity ward.

la

"Alright, the young woman who checked you in said you didn't want to have a c-section and use a potion instead, right?" the nurse asked as she began setting things up and prepping him. He nodded and James watched her apprehensively. "Alright, then I'll be back in a moment."

She left, leaving James and Sirius to chat. "I'm scared," whispered Sirius, clutching onto James's hand tightly. James squeezed in response, and pushed back his dark hair. The nurse came back and handed Sirius the potion. He took it and grimaced as he tasted it. "This tastes like shit!" he exclaimed.

She laughed and began explaining the process to him. He sat back and listened, his face contorting in pain every now and then as contractions hit him. About five hours of enduring pain, the nurse said, "Are you ready, 'cause the baby is."

Sirius nodded. "Alright, I need you to breathe…and when I tell you push. Alright? Okay, one, two, _push!_"

ow

Two hours later, James sat next to a sleeping Sirius. After he'd gotten the baby out, he had effectively passed out and he'd stayed that way. Lily and Remus had gone home, leaving Ana with them. They had promised to come back as soon as they possibly could. James looked over at the baby in the bed. He was such a beautiful child. He had deep blue eyes, a little button nose, and a tuft of black hair. Ana was asleep on a couch that was in the room.

Movement on the bed made James immediately turn his attention back to Sirius. He was blinking blearily and looking around trying to get his bearings. Everything seemed to come back to him and a small smile came across his face. "Where is it?" he asked, looking around, now desperate. James knew that he was probably thinking about the first baby boy.

James got up and went to go get their son. Gently picking him up, he brought him over to Sirius. Sirius's face lit up when he saw the baby and he carefully took him from James and rocked him against his chest. "Wow," was all he said. The baby was perfect.

"What should we name him?" asked James, sitting down on the bed and watching them.

Sirius didn't even stop to think. "Matthew Benjamin Potter."

A.N. aaaah. So cute. Please review. Thank you for reading. Adios to all!


	46. chapter 46

Chapter 46

Sirius was resting in his room, watching the crib that sat in the corner. They had an extra room in which they could put him, as Regulus had just left for school, but they wanted Matt to be in their room for the first few months. It was now the second month and he was by far louder than Ana had everbeen. It was amazing how quickly he was growing up. It was kinda scary actually.

The door opened and Sirius looked up. "Hey James," he said. James had been getting more hours at his work and Sirius had seen him a lot less. It made him sad. He missed the days when James would come home early and they would kiss and justbe with each other.

"Hey Padfoot. What's up?" Sirius shrugged and gestured for him to join him on the bed. He did so and kissed him on the nose. "What have you been doing today?"

Sirius leaned onto James and responded, "Actually, the guy from the recording studio gave me a call today."

James looked at him with raised eyebrows. "Why? What did he want?"

"He wants me to do a recording of some of my music tomorrow. I told him I'd think about it and call back later."

"How exciting. You call him back right now and tell him you'll do it."

"I will?"

James sighed and rolled his eyes. "Of course you will. This is like a once in a lifetime opportunity. I can't believe you'd even consider turning it down!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Um…I don't know. You should go, though. If not for anything else than to just get out of the house."

Sirius laughed, but quickly sobered up. "What about the babies?" Sirius asked James nervously.

James grinned and shook his head. "I'll watch after them. I'm their father too."

Sirius laughed at that comment and shook his head. "But…I don't really think I'm good enough to do a recording. I've not done anything before."

"Ah," contradicted James, "You are incredible and will do awesome. Just go."

Sirius sighed and walked over to pick up the phone without answering. "Hello, yeah, what up Bud? Yeah, I think I will…maybe…no…hey wait…oh, alright then…no, it's cool…alright, I'll see you then." He hung up and turned to James rolling his eyes. "Bloody producers. Think they're all so high and mighty."

"Well, they are, aren't they?"

"Shut up."

tootles

"Do I really have to go?" whined Sirius as he was preparing to leave. James nodded and pushed him towards the door. Matt was in one of James's arm and Ana was clutching to his leg possessively.

"Yes, Siri. Go now or die!" he teased. Sirius raised his eyebrows and then laughed.

"I think I'll leave then. But only because the other option was not so pleasant sounding."

James laughed and watched as Sirius bent down and kissed Ana on the forehead. "Be good for daddy, even though he may seem evil." She giggled and he quickly kissed the still sleeping Matt on the forehead and departed.

"Now what do you wanna do?" he asked Ana. She giggled.

"Legos. Play legos!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands together. James rolled his eyes and walked over to the baby crib that was downstairs, placing Matt in it. He stirred slightly, but didn't wake up.

"I really wish Regulus was back," he muttered to himself as he settled down next to Ana. He really hated legos and always had. They made him angry for some strange reason. However, he tolerated them for his daughter and she played with them happily and together they built a house.

"Well, that was fun," James said once they were finished and watched as Ana got up and walked into the kitchen. _"What now?"_ James got up and found her with the refrigerator door opened and she was peering inside, and pulling out random food.

"Ana," he groaned and walked over to put the things away. She looked at him, highly affronted, but didn't try to stop him or cause a bigger mess. "Sweetie, you can't have things out of the refrigerator. It doesn't work." He pulled her out of the kitchen and then set her on the couch. "Bloody muggles," he muttered under his breath. "They have the kookiest non-childproof things on the planet. Don't know why I even bother."

He sat there watching Barney with Ana, trying hard not to throw something at the television to stop the torture. _"Who could possibly watch this without losing their minds? Why would parents expose their children to this? Why am I exposing Ana to this? What kind of parent am I? A bloody bad, schizo parent. Oh dear, the show is affecting me in negative ways. I can't even imagine what it's doing to Ana. Maybe I should change it to something more G rated."_

With that thought, James changed the channel and found a basketball game. It was the Lakers. They were winning. Immediately he began cheering them on.Ana watched for afew minutes before settling backand falling asleep.The door opened and in walked an angry looking Sirius. He marched straight up the stairs without saying anything. James glanced after him and then back at the game, torn. Sighing, he stood up and followed him. Sirius had gone into their bedroom and was standing staring out the window.

"What happened?" asked James, coming up from behind him and wrapping his arms around Sirius's slim waist.

"They made me mad so I published a book of my poetry instead," he responded, leaning into James's embrace. James stared at him, pulling back ever so slightly in his surprise.

"How'd you do that? I mean, you go to record a cd and come back an author of a poetry book. How, just how, did you do that?" James asked, completely incredulous.

Sirius shrugged and grinned slyly. "Well," he began, "it wasn't that hard, what with my natural charm. I walked into a book publishing place, handed them some of my work, explained that I had more like it, and they offered to publish one of my books." James stared at him openmouthed. Sirius smiled at him sweetly, "Aren't I awesome?"

"More than you know," muttered James, kissing Sirius on the mouth and steered him over to the bed. He pushed him down and continued kissing him as he fumbled with the buttons on Sirius's shirt.

"Hmm, you are aware that there are children in the house," Sirius reminded James between gasps for oxygen.

James nodded and continued kissing Sirius's amazing body. "Yes, and you are aware that they are now asleep."

Sirius looked up grinned devilishly. "I realize that now. Hmm, where were we?"

James didn't answer, just continued his way down Sirius's body.

A.N. yep, next chapter will be up soon . please review and thanks. (I say that way too much).


	47. chapter 47

Chapter 47

"I don't know, I wanted to do something special for his birthday," Sirius told Lily over the phone. It was now November and Sirius was starting to panic as James's birthday drew near.

"Well, why don't you…I don't know what you can do. You can leave Matt and Ana with us if you want. I'm not going anywhere, as pregnancy sucks."

Sirius chuckled, "You don't have to tell me twice." He heard Lily laugh through the phone. "Anyways, I was thinking about apparating somewhere and going to a lake and having a picnic or something. I know it's all romantic and crap, but I want his 20 birthday to be special."

Lily sighed. "Well, I think that sounds nice. And his birthday is on the 16th right?"

"Yeah," responded Sirius glancing at a calendar on the wall. It was only a few days away. "I think I will do that. Hey, I'm a genius."

Lily laughed. "Just you keep on believing that," she chuckled.

"Ha-ha cute," he mumbled and then hung up after saying goodbye. He had to plan for his husband's excellent birthday.

planning

Lily knocked on the door and Sirius opened it quickly. She had come to pick up Ana and Matt. They had agreed that it would be best if they weren't with their parents as they wanted to apparate and the kids couldn't, obviously.

"Thanks, Lily," muttered Sirius as he handed her the sleeping baby and half asleep toddler.

"Don't mention it," she murmured and kissed him on the cheek before leaving. Sirius watched her leave and then closed the door. James was going to be confused when he woke up and the children weren't there. Oh well.

Sirius went to the kitchen and began packing a basket with food. "Hmm, what kind of sandwich? I know, tuna! I love tuna!"

"What's the occasion?" a voice behind him asked. Sirius turned around and saw James smiling at him. Sirius moved forward and gave him a tight hug. James kissed him on the forehead and looked around.

"It's your birthday, you silly," he teased. James smiled at that.

"Ah, yes. Where are the kids?"

"Lily is watching over them today," explained Sirius, moving back to finish packing everything. James watched him with a small smile on his face. Sirius was very good at getting back to his normal size and was once again slender. He turned around to smile at James and winked seductively.

"Come on, we should get going," urged Sirius, closing the basket and then walking over to James and grabbing his arm. "We'll be apparating, so if you would so kindly hold on to my arm so one of us won't get lost, then we'll be on our way."

James chuckled slightly and grabbed onto Sirius's arm. They apparated away and the next thing James saw was a lake surrounded by trees and mountains. "Oh shit, where are we?" he asked, gazing around.

Sirius glanced at him as he walked away. "I actually have no idea. It looked pretty and I was like hey, I wanna go there and I'm sure James will like it." He shrugged. "Do you?"

James smiled and gave Sirius a tight hug. "Of course I do. It's absolutely magnificent!"

Sirius beamed and led the way to a nice little patch of grass that was perfect to sit on and admire the surroundings. He set up the blanket and basket and lay down on his back, closing his eyes. James looked at him and then went over to him.

"Whatcha doing?" he asked, looking down onto Sirius's face.

Sirius opened one eye and looked at him. "I'm resting. That's what I brought you here for: resting." James rolled his eyes and then moved to sit on his chest. Once he felt the weight on his chest, Sirius opened both eyes and glared at him. "What was that for?"

James didn't answer, just moved forward and pressed his lips against Sirius's. Sirius's eyes widened at first but then he relaxed and returned the kiss. James suddenly burst out into laughter, pulling away from his husband. Sirius looked at him with raised eyebrows. "I'm sorry," apologized James between gasps for breath. "I was just thinking how funny it would be if I suddenly laughed, and then I did laugh and now I feel bad."

Sirius laughed as well, and pulled James back down on top of him. James kissed him again and began running his hands under Sirius's shirt against his body. Sirius squirmed slightly and pulled away. "Your hands are cold," he whined. James laughed and kissed him.

"Sorry," laughed James, pulling back and then going over to the picnic basket. "I'm hungry."

"And that's why I brought food," mumbled Sirius shaking his head slightly. He knew that James would immediately get distracted by his hunger. James pulled out the sandwiches and handed one to Sirius along with a soda.

"There you go. Now we've both got food and Mountain Dew, we can eat, admire the beauty around us and each other."

Sirius laughed and sat down next to James, snuggling up into his side. They sat in silence for a few moments, munching on their lunches and then James said, "I'm gonna teach you how to swim."

Sirius sat up straight and looked at James wildly. He had had some bad childhood experiences when it came to swimming. His parents seemed to use everything they could against him and had decided that they should ruin the experience of swimming as well. "What? No, that's a bad idea. I don't like swimming. I don't want to swim. I think I'll stay on dry land. Swimming is as good as suicide. Why would I want to commit suicide?"

James rolled his eyes and stood up, pulling Sirius up with him and abandoning his lunch. He led Sirius by the wrist to the edge of the water, Sirius protesting the entire way. "Alright, Padfoot, strip!" he demanded, stopping at the edge of the water and taking off his own shirt.

Sirius raised his eyebrows but complied anyways, all the while grumbling and complaining about the injustice of it all. James waited impatiently and when Sirius's shirt was off, he grabbed him by the arm again and led him into the water.

"James," he whined, "the water's freezing!"

"It's November, what did you expect?"

"I wasn't planning on swimming, James."

James laughed and led him deeper and deeper into the water. Sirius was starting to panic, but James held him tight. "Alright, the first thing you should master is floating on your back," James said as they got out to waist deep. Sirius's teeth were chattering because of the cold. James laughed when he saw that and kissed him on the cheek. "Now, get on your back."

Sirius pushed himself up so that he was lying on his back. James supported him for a little bit before taking his hands away. Sirius was breathing shallowly, trying to ignore his fears. James watched for a moment and then grabbed Sirius by the wrist. He jerked and looked around wildly. "Excellent, first step, mastered. Next we're gonna try the doggie paddle."

Sirius smiled at that one. "I can do that!"

"As a human."

Sirius's smile vanished. "I'm not so good at that."

"I didn't think so. Now let's get working!"

"Slave driver," muttered Sirius, and got splashed in the face by James.

A.N. I'm tired and bored and confused and lazy and crazy. All of the above. Anyways. Happy day!


	48. chapter 48

Chapter 48

"Deck the halls with boughs of holly!" Sirius's voice rang out throughout the house.

"Falalalalalalalala," sang James.

"'Tis the season to be jolly!"

"Falalalalalalalala."

Ana came down the stairs, watching her parents as if they'd gone crazy. "Falalalala," she murmured, walking around with a blanket in her arms. James laughed at her and walked up the stairs to find a box of Christmas decorations.

"Don't forget to check on Matt while you're up there," called Sirius from where he was decorating the tree. It turned out that the Potter family had millions of Christmas decorations. They had been kind enough to give them about seven boxes filled with several different types of decorations.

"Alright," he called back and made a right into their bedroom. Sirius chuckled slightly at that and continued his decorating. He picked up one ornament that was a ball with a moving picture on it. It was one of James, his parents, and Sirius, all huddled up and smiling.

He smiled at it. He remembered that one. It was when they were in their fourth year, and Sirius had actually been given permission to visit the Potters that break. It was possibly one of his best Christmas's. As such, he hung it up near the front so that he could see it. Ana walked over and bent down to pick up an ornament. She sat down her blanket and picked up an ornament with a penguin on it. Carefully, she placed it on the tree and then clapped her hands together happily.

"Yeah, that was an excellent place to put that, sweetie," Sirius said, bending down to kiss her on the forehead. That made her giggle and she picked up another. Grinning, Sirius took his daughter's example and started hanging up more ornaments.

"Alright, I think we have enough ornaments now," muttered James as he came back down the stairs.

"You _think?_" asked Sirius as he gestured around to the several boxes surrounding him and Ana. James shrugged and walked back up the stairs after setting down the boxes in his arms. Moments later he reappeared with Matt in his arms. He appeared to still be sleeping. Sirius smiled and cleared a path from the bottom of the stairs to the downstairs baby crib. James set the baby boy in his crib and then began helping with the decorations.

"We should teach Ana Christmas carols," suggested James as he reached up to put a round red ball with sparklies towards the top of the way too tall tree.

"Which one?" asked Sirius, looking for an interesting ornament.

James thought for a moment as he rummaged for anything that wasn't red. "Um, how about…Joy to the World."

Immediately Sirius began to sing, "Joy to the world the Lord has come." James smiled and joined in. "Let Earth receive her king! Let every heart prepare him room…"

falalalalalalalala

"Merry Christmas," greeted James, shaking Sirius awake. Sirius opened his eyes and blinked blearily.

"Merry...oh, Christmas," he responded, yawning. He smiled and slowly sat up in bed. "What time is it?"

James glanced at his watch. "It's seven o'clock."

"WHAT?" exclaimed Sirius, sitting up quickly. "What were you thinking? Getting me up so early? Why?"

"I was thinking that your daughter will be up at any moment, excited and disappointed if you aren't up and ready."

Sure enough, moments later, a head of curly black hair poked into the room. "Daddy, can we open the presents?"

James laughed. "We'll be down in a minute. Don't you want breakfast first though?"

The little girl shook her head and left without anther word. "Kids these days," muttered Sirius. Then his eyes widened in disbelief. "Did I just say what I think I just said?"

James laughed and kissed Sirius's forehead. "We're getting old, aren't we?"

Sirius nodded numbly and pulled himself out of bed. "I don't like that. Soon we'll be all old and wrinkly with nothing left but a few measly grandchildren."

Raising his eyebrows, James shook his head slightly as he got shirts out of their drawer and threw one at Sirius, who caught it. "Aren't you kinda skipping a few years…like, oh I don't know, twenty?"

Sirius laughed. "Yes, but…hey, the future is what we have to look forward to. No one ever prospered by living in the past."

"No one ever prospered by living twenty years ahead of their time, either," responded James, pulling on his shirt.

"Bill Gates did," Sirius muttered. James laughed and walked over to him.

Wrapping his husband in a tight embrace, he whispered in his ear, "Whatever happens will happen. I have a feeling that our lives are only going to get better. However, no matter what happens, we'll always be together, facing it together."

Sirius looked into James's face. "Promise?"

James laughed slightly. "I promise. Now come on, we've got an eager three year old downstairs who probably won't wait much longer."

Sirius chuckled at that and walked down to meet their overactive daughter. She was dancing around the tree singing songs tunelessly. "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh hey!"

Sirius grimaced at the wrong, bad notes but didn't say anything. Instead, he walked back up the stairs to go find Matt. He entered the room, that they had decided to put him in. They figured that there was nothing wrong with him having his own room, so they moved him out so they could have more privacy.

"Come on, buddy," Sirius said, lifting the child out of his bed. He opened his eyes, looking rather disgruntled, but didn't make a noise except for a small whimper. Sirius smiled. "Come on, be happy. It's your first Christmas. Surely that must be exciting."

Once again no response came from the child other than a look that could have passed for a glare. Sirius laughed and carried him back downstairs. James was arguing with Ana about why they couldn't open the presents until everyone was present.

"Look, there he is now. Now we can open the presents," James said, gesturing towards Sirius as he settled himself down with Matt in his lap. "Here, this one is for you," he said, handing a wrapped gift to Ana. "This one's for my beloved husband. This one is for…Ana. This one, for me. Wow, someone actually cares enough about me to get me something? Ah, I'm touched. Anyways, one for Matt. Lucky ducky. Um…another one for my lover. Another one for Ana. And then another one for Ana. Dang it, I think we got too much for Ana. Oh, here's one for me and there's one for me and then there's one for Sirius. Oooh, and one for Matt! And then another one for Matt! I love Christmas."

Sirius laughed. He set Matt in a baby seat and opened the baby's gifts first. He unwrapped a toy truck, a stuffed penguin, and a toy broomstick. When Sirius saw the last gift, he glanced over at James, who was determinedly avoiding his gaze. "A toy broomstick? Did you read the age limit on the package?"

James glanced up and shook his head once. "No, it didn't really occur to me to actually read the age limit."

Sirius shook his head and handed Matt the two toys that he could actually use at his age. Then he turned his attention to his own gifts. He opened the first one and found a new cd. It was 12 stones. "Awesome," muttered Sirius as he turned it over to read the songs. James watched him with a smile on his face. The next gift contained an empty book with a dog on the cover. Sirius raised his eyebrows when he saw that.

"It's for your poems," explained James as he leaned over to assist Ana with one of her gifts. "I figured you'd like to have something nice to write them in."

Sirius smiled and answered, "Yes, I would. Thank you so much James."

"Ah, you have one more to open," urged James, his patience being tested with the gift he was trying to unwrap for Ana. "Who wrapped this?"

Sirius looked up and laughed. "You did." He then returned his attention to his last gift. Opening it, he gasped in pure delight. It was a pair of earrings, only one was a dog and the other was a stag. As he gazed at the earrings, he dimly recalled the time when he had decided to get one of his ears peirced. James had been teasing him about being afraid of needles. The next day, Sirius and Jameshad gone outtoget both of his ears pierced. Once there, Sirius had chickened out though and had only gotten one ear pierced in order to maintain_some_ of his dignity.

James looked at him and grinned. "I know you only have one pierced ear, but I thought that you could alternate between wearing a dog and a stag." He shrugged. "I liked them."

Sirius smiled and leaned forward to kiss James on the forehead. "Thank you so much. I love them. And I love you."

James laughed. "I noticed I was an afterthought." Sirius laughed and stood up as he heard a knock on the door.

He opened it and was greeted by Remus and Lily, with their arms filled with more gifts. "Come in! Merry Christmas!"

"Thank you," Lily said stepping in, giving Sirius a quick kiss on the cheek. James came over to help them with the gifts.

"Hey, Moony," Sirius said, giving him a brotherly hug. "What's up?"

"Same as usual, except the wife's getting a lot more hormonal."

Sirius laughed. "Hey, watch it. If you want to complain about that, I suggest you go to James. You two relate better with that." Indeed, Lily had gotten a lot bigger around the middle.

The all settled back down and began talking about whatever popped into mind. Around the room was a peaceful atmosphere. There was laughter, cheerful chatter, and utter relaxing among the group. Teasing took place and compliments were frequent. It was amazing how content they were. It was amazing how easily things could fall apart. It was amazing how easily lives could be torn apart like a mere piece of parchment.

A.N. ooh a foreshadowing. Dun dun dun. Lol. Anyways, please review and thank you for reading this. I feel so thankful that you all take time to read this.


	49. chapter 49

Chapter 49

It was now April. Not much had really happened during the past few months. Lily had her baby and had called her Natalie Lisa Lupin. She was a beautiful child with brown hair and striking green eyes. The same as her mother. It had been a long, difficult delivery, and it had kept all of them up, including Mr. and Mrs. Potter. The little girl had been born on February 12.

Around that time, Sirius had begun to experience symptoms of morning sickness again, frustrating both Sirius and James. They both predicted that it was because of some bad New Years celebrating. When Sirius visited the doctor, his fears were confirmed and he was thus deemed pregnant. This had caused Lily great joy, as she felt like laughing at someone for their misfortune. James was uncertain as to what to do. He couldn't quit his job, but he didn't want to leave Sirius alone without any supervision during the growing dark times. Lily had solved that problem by suggesting that they alternate between staying together in different homes, as Remus didn't want her to be alone either.

Also during that time, Sirius's book of poetry had been published. This instantly brought in a nice pay check. It had sold a few million copies in the first month and seemed to be enjoyed by critics and readers around England alike. This gave them more financial comfort and allowed Sirius to stop worrying about finding another job. Recently he had been working on more poetry. In fact, the last week of March he had sent another album of poems to his publisher.

Now it was April though. It was nearing Ana's birthday and they wanted to do something special for her. They were planning on a simple birthday party in which she could invite some of the muggle friends that she had recently been playing with. She seemed to be rather popular in their neighborhood, even though most of the adults disapproved of James's and Sirius's relationship. They also found it odd that they had a daughter, but they simply said that she was adopted. Which was half true…at least for James.

So it was April first, leaving only one full day to finish up the plans on her birthday party. They had sent invitations to the people that they thought would most likely show up and to Remus and Lily. Remus had later responded that they couldn't make it, as Remus had important work that day and Lily was feeling sick. Most of the other parents were a bit concerned about leaving their children alone with James and Sirius, but most replied that they would love to come. James's parents were coming though, although they said that they might be late.

"Alright," muttered James, sitting at the kitchen table with Sirius. "We have balloons, pin the tail on the donkey, and a clown."

Sirius shuddered. "Do we really have to have a clown? Clowns really do scare me. And I find pin the tail on the donkey to be a highly atrocious game that implants bad thoughts and teaches children bad habits of violence towards animals."

James raised his eyebrows. "Uh-huh. Yeah, but no. If Ana doesn't like clowns, then we've learned. But if she does, then that will only make her birthday more fun. As for pin the tail on the donkey…you've just got to let some things go, mate."

Sirius laughed at that and leaned back in his chair. "If you say so," he mumbled. James grinned and got up to find plastic plates and cups and utensils. As he found each one he'd cross it off of his list. Sirius watched anxiously. He really did not want to go to the mall right away to get some weird thing for the party. He was bloody four months pregnant! He had the right to stay home.

"Alright, we've got everything we really need. Now, are you going to bake the cake or am I?"

Raising his eyebrows, Sirius answered, "When was the last time I baked anything? Whenever I try, something blows up. Either you cook it or go out to buy one that's already made."

James thought about his options before saying, "I'll be back in a few minutes. I hope." With that, he apparated out of the room, leaving Sirius to think of a fun way to celebrate a birthday.

James rushed through the store. He had apparated into an alley outside of the store so as not to be seen. He had done it several times before, so by then he was confident that he wouldn't be found. If only he could find a cake quickly.

He ran to the bakery section and looked around. As he examined them he muttered to himself, "Too pink…too expensive…ew, who uses that kind of color for a cake…ooh, no wait, she's a girl and most likely does not like basketball…well that was a sexist statement…okay, then she's only four and probably has no interest in the Lakers just yet…oooh, that one! Um, excuse me, but can I get that cake right there please?" he asked the dude behind the counter. The man had been watching him with raised eyebrows as James talked to himself but now snapped to attention.

"Um, yeah sure." The man got the cake ready and put it in the box and rang up the price quickly. "Yeah, that would be ten dollars."

James raised his eyebrows, and muttered under his breath, "That's a lot of flipping lot of money for a cake. It's not even a good color. No cool logos or nothing." This did not stop him from purchasing the cake though. Once it was paid for, he grabbed the box and left in a hurry, wanting to get home as quickly as possible. He went back to his alley and apparated back to his house and waiting husband. However, he was not aware of someone watching him depart…

next day

"Alright kids," exclaimed Sirius, standing by the wall of his house. "Please, no pushing, fighting, any type of violence. This is a happy party that we're all being happy at that."

"I thought it was a birthday party," a little girl with pigtails responded, looking up at Sirius.

Sirius drew his eyebrows together but responded, "It's that too. Now let's be happy for Ana."

Ana was sitting with one of her closer friends talking about the cake. Sirius smiled at her and settled back into a chair next to James. He had a concealing spell on again. Even though he was only four months along, he was already beginning to show. The doctors were thinking that it might be twins again. Sirius was dreading that, mainly because of what had happened last time.

"I think this party is turning out fairly well," muttered James as he watched the children running around. Sirius simply nodded and closed his eyes. Carrying around a child, maybe two, was exhausting. Not to mention he had a bad feeling about…something.

A loud crack was suddenly heard and about twelve death eaters apparated around their house. James stood up quickly and grabbed Sirius by the wrist. "Take Ana and Matt and go, Siri," he commanded.

"But, what about the other children?" asked Sirius. All of the children were backing away from the figures in the black robes.

"I'll take care of them. Just take the kids and go." When Sirius didn't comply immediately, James pushed him slightly and yelled, "Now!"

Sirius called Ana over and grabbed Matt and quickly rushed out of the yard and to his new car. "Come on, sweetie, we're going to go visit Lily and Remus. Doesn't that sound like fun?"

She looked back towards her party. "Were those the clowns?"

Sirius laughed in spite of himself. "Yes, they are," he responded, not completely lying. To him, they were just as frightening as the clowns. "Now come on, settle down and be quiet. I need my concentration."

The little girl nodded and Sirius quickly put the car in drive and drove off, reluctantly.

A.N. ha, a little bit of suspense never killed a person. Well, in one case it might have, but that's not the point. Next chapter will be up soon. In the meantime please review and thank you for reading this.


	50. chapter 50

Chapter 50

Sirius pulled into Lily's and Remus's drive way and immediately jumped out, quickly getting Matt out and pulling Ana by the hand to get her to hurry up. He rushed to the door and knocked hurriedly. A faint call of, "just a moment," could be heard from inside. Sirius groaned in impatience and clutched tighter to Ana's hand.

Moments later the door was pulled open by Lily, looking exhausted. "Sirius!" she exclaimed. "What's wrong?"

She stepped aside, allowing them to come inside. Sirius looked tired, worried, nervous, and scared. She had never seen him so anxious before and it scared her. "What happened Sirius? Where's James?"

At that Sirius broke down. "He's at home!" he sobbed angrily, carrying Matt over to the couch and laying him down, even though he knew that it wasn't a good place for him to sleep. Ana was looking at Sirius strangely and almost with fear. "There was a death eater attack. He told me to grab Ana and Matt and leave. So I did. But that meant leaving him all alone with the death eaters and the kids. There are going to be so many memory charms that are going to be used. And James…what if he doesn't survive. I'll never forgive myself. Ever!"

Lily breathed in, and then pat Sirius on shoulder in a reassuring manner. "Calm down. Nothing bad is going to happen. Come on, sit down and I'll get you something to drink. Is tea alright?"

Sirius nodded numbly and allowed Ana to crawl onto his lap. "Where's daddy?" she asked. She looked worried and sad.

Sirius forced a smile and replied, "He'll be here in a little bit."

She looked unconvinced but didn't press it. Instead she snuggled into Sirius's side and he wrapped his arm around her small body. Lily came back out with a cup of tea in her hands and handed it to Sirius.

"So what happened?" she asked as she settled down on the seat across from where Sirius was sitting.

Sirius shrugged. "Well, everything was all cool and then pop pop pop. Death eaters were apparating in every direction. And then James was yelling at me to leave and so I did. And here I am, freaked out as hell that something happened to the only person that I could ever love! Damn it I am such a lover of romance!"

Lily listened to him and then laughed. "I'm sure he'll be fine. He's completely capable of taking care of himself."

"Against twelve death eaters?" grumbled Sirius.

"What, doubting me are you?" a voice said from behind him. Sirius recognized James's voice and leaped up, completely forgetting that Ana was leaning against him. He rushed over to James, giving him a tight hug. James well backwards a few steps and then laughed as he returned the embrace. After a moment, Sirius pulled back and hit James on the arm.

"Don't you ever do something like that again, James Potter!" he exclaimed. James laughed and kissed Sirius on the mouth.

"Don't worry, I don't plan to."

Lily smiled slightly at the two and got up to go find another glass of tea, leaving the family alone. Ana came over to James and held her arms up, meaning that she wanted to be held. James bent down to pick her up and kissed her on the cheek.

"How are all of the kids?" Sirius asked as he sat back down on the couch, picking up Matt in his arms to rock gently.

"They're all fine. I got them all out safe and performed effective memory charms on the children and parents and anyone else who may need some…forgetting."

Sirius smiled slightly and leaned into James's side. "That's good. What's left of our house?"

James shuddered slightly. "I'm not really sure. They had left, but I have a feeling that they are going to come back while we hide out here."

Sirius nodded. "What does it matter? Houses can be replaced, but you can't be. I'm just so glad that you're alright."

James kissed him on the forehead. "We can check it out tomorrow."

Sirius nodded and fell asleep in his husband's arms.

la

"Wow," Sirius commented, as he looked at the remnants of their house. "That kind of sucks."

James smiled grimly and walked forward into the rubble. "They didn't leave anything did they?"

"It would appear not," he answered, picking up random pieces of debris and then tossing it aside.

James sighed. "You shouldn't be out here while you're pregnant."

"I'm pregnant, not dying," grumbled Sirius and continued wandering around.

After an hour of rummaging, James sighed and turned to his husband who was sitting on a piece of rubble. "Well, I say we start over," he said. Sirius didn't look up. He was holding something in his hand. "What is that?" asked James, walking over to his husband.

Sirius turned it around for him to see. It was a picture of him, Sirius, Ana, and Matt. James laughed at the irony of the situation. "Well, they destroy the house, but they leave the most important thing. Like lives, moments preserved in pictures can not be replaced. Aren't we lucky?"

Sirius smiled. "Without a doubt."

sigh

"Do you want to empty your account?" asked the goblin at the desk. Sirius sighed and shifted Matt on his shoulder.

"No, I just want to get out enough to get a house. What do you think that would be?"

The goblin shrugged. "I don't know and I don't care. How much do you want out?"

Sirius sighed and thought up an amount at the top of his head. The goblin wrote it down and took the key to Sirius's vault. "Follow me," he muttered and walked off. Sirius sighed. He really hated going down to the vaults.

ha

"I think that couch is really nice, what do you think?" James asked Ana as he wandered around throughout a furniture store.

She shook her head and pointed to a big couch that was straight dark blue. James sighed and walked over to it. He really hated that color. He liked blue, but dark blue just annoyed him for some odd reason.

"Wouldn't you prefer the maroon one?" asked a hopeful James, pointing to a couch of the exact same model in the corner. The little girl shook her head.

"No, I like this one!"

Groaning, James grabbed her hand and dragged her out of the furniture. He was going to wait for Sirius's input before buying something. _"Bloody children,_" he thought, as she whine to go back into the store.

A.N. the last chapter is up next. Does anyone want a sequel. I was considering it, but then I was like: hey, I could start a whole new story. So I decided I'd await your opinion. So yeah…if you'd like a sequel, tell me in a review, and if the idea of one disgusts you, tell me in a review! Thank you for reading this!


	51. Chapter 51

Chapter 51

"How long do you think it will take for us to find a new home?" asked Sirius as he walked out of the bathroom with a robe on and his dark hair dripping wet.

From his place on the bed, James shrugged and got up to assist his lover in drying his hair. "I don't know. I can't imagine it will take too long, considering that we agreed on our last house almost instantly."

"But that was like a dream beginning house. We don't need a beginning house anymore. Goodness, we have to kids and another one on the way!" he exclaimed, gesturing to his slightly larger stomach.

James sighed and gently pulled Sirius over to the bed. He pushed him onto it and lay down beside him, wrapping his arm around his lover's waist. "I know. What else can we do though? I guess we don't really _have_ to buy any furniture, assuming you're alright with just transfiguring things into furniture."

Sirius shrugged. "It worked last time. I just…I don't know. I'm tired. This is all just exhausting. Why did this have to happen? We were happy and settled and…"

James listened to him and pressed a kiss to the nape of Sirius's neck. "Sometimes, bad things happen and good things occur because of it."

Sirius chuckled. "You mean that whole bad hand thing?"

James smiled as he remembered that conversation with his mom. "Kinda, except no one's losing this time. Except Voldemort, if you want to count him."

"Nah, I don't think I will. But we lost our house, unless you're counting that as nothing."

"But it isn't anything. That's the thing. The things that are really important are either downstairs or in my arms."

Smiling, Sirius snuggled into James's chest more. He felt so safe and loved that he could stay there for the rest of his life. He'd love to, as well, but they had to face reality at some point, and like they said, there's no time like the present. However, he just wanted to stay there for just a little bit longer.

"Why can't things be like they used to be? Before…when we were at Hogwarts?"

James sighed and stroked Sirius's hair. "We grew up, love. It was inevitable, and it happened."

Sirius laughed softly. "Well, then I wish we could stay young for forever."

"Doesn't everyone who gets old wish that they could just stay a teenager?" asked James, pulling back slightly.

"I guess so," a sleepy Sirius responded and James pulled him closer again. "I'm so tired."

"Is it because you're pregnant?"

"I don't know. I hope not, because I don't want to feel this tired for another four months."

James laughed slightly and kissed Sirius's neck again. "I wonder how long Lily and Remus will tolerate us staying here."

"They'd let us stay forever if we really needed to. However, I'd rather not and I'm sure they'd like their own privacy."

"Alright, then we've got to find a place to live."

Sirius sighed and sat up. He looked around and his gaze fell on a mirror. "I'm ugly."

James turned to look at him with raised eyebrows. "What in the world makes you think that?"

Sirius shrugged. "I'm fat and ugly. I don't know why, I just am."

James sighed. He had already gone through that once, as he didn't have to deal with almost anything from Ana's pregnancy, and didn't want to go through it again. Sirius was always beautiful to him, and he hated how he always seemed to degrade himself, whether it was his appearance, attitude, or personality, he could always insult himself as easily as he could Snape.

"You're just as beautiful today as you were yesterday and a month ago and a year ago and two years ago. You have never been ugly or fat. So whatever you're smoking to make you see something that's not there, stop. It's not good for you."

Sirius laughed at that. "Who said I was smoking anything?"

"It's implied."

"Shut up. I'm gonna go get Matt. He's probably hungry by now. Plus, I'd rather listen to him babble baby talk then listen to you insult me." With those words spoken, Sirius left the room, leaving James to sit for a while in peace. It wasn't long before Sirius returned, however, with Matt in his arms, singing a lullaby to him softly.

"Ah, back so soon?"

"Ha-ha, real cute. I got tired of watching Lily and Remus showing Ana our old school pictures."

James laughed, but quickly grew serious. "We need to figure out what we're going to do."

Sirius sighed. "Must we do it so soon?"

"We're intruding on some other people's homes. Of course we have to do it soon. If we don't then we'll just be imposing. We do have enough money to get a decent house that's big enough for three, as your poetry book brought in quite a lot of money and your uncle was kind enough to leave you some."

Sirius sighed and rocked Matt, seemingly ignoring James. James became slightly frustrated. Before he could say anything, Sirius spoke. "Do you really think that it's safe for us here?" he asked. "I mean, they could come back at any time, and we'd be just as vulnerable then as we are now."

James sighed and rubbed his hand through his already messy hair. "I don't know. Where would we go?"

Shaking his head slightly, Sirius shrugged. "I don't know, I just…I don't like living with the uncertainty of our own day to day lives. I want to know that my children are safe."

"But if we go anywhere, then we'd be forced to leave our friends and my family and…I just don't want to do that. Do you really want the newest additions to our family to grow up not knowing Remus or Lily at all? Or my parents for that matter?"

"Not really, but what does it matter if we're all dead?" Sirius sighed again and continued, "I don't know what I'm even trying to suggest."

Just then Anastasia came into the room and sat down next to her parents. For a four year old, she was extremely perceptive and understanding of her parents' feelings. James looked at her and the memories came flooding back. Sirius telling him of his rape, the first pregnancy, telling Snape about Remus, the fighting, the making up, the kisses, the hugs, the tears, Ana's birth, the first house, the marriage, the honeymoon, the second baby, the death eater attack, and Sirius's current pregnancy. All of the things that stuck most clearly in his mind had occurred recently with Sirius. He loved him so much. Their life had been far from perfect, but then again, who's was? If there was such a person or relationship, James would very much like to meet them, but as the existence of a perfect life was improbable, James was quite content with his life.

Meanwhile, Sirius was sitting on the bed contemplating. The more he thought about it the more he didn't want to leave. This was his home, and while it may not be the nicest place on earth, he realized that wherever they went, there would be new problems creating themselves. Why go to a new place and create problems when you could just stay at your home and take on challenges that had been there since the beginning? Sirius looked at her closely. She had grown up there. Who was he to uproot the entire family because of his own insecurities. "I don't want to leave," Sirius said suddenly, changing his mind abruptly. "We'll just have to take things as they're thrown at us."

"Throwing things isn't nice," reprimanded the small child sitting between him and James.

James smiled down at her and wrapped his arms around her small body. "Well, from what I've heard, the things that make us stronger are the things we go through."

The End

A.N. well, that's that. Thank you all for reading this. It means so much to me. This is the end, as stated above, so…I really don't think I will do a sequel. That seems like a nice ending to me and I can't think of any more brilliant plots anyways. But thank you anyways. You are all so awesome!


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